Know What's Really on Your Plate
Now let me tell you about cindy she's, a physician, a stress expert ana leadership coach and she is on a mission too distress from eroding focus on creativity, health success, relationships and even profits. Now cindy teaches leaders she teaches teams and she teaches individuals how to de stress in the moment and then create strategies for a resilient future cindy's worked with absolutely everybody thie institute for excellence the u s government leadership, the physician's leadership institute but she's also worked with some really major celebrities including katie couric, oprah and dr also, we are really thrilled to have her here on creative life for the first time please welcome cindy akron welcome so great to have you created my question really treasure this course I don't necessarily feel stress, but I know there are stress points in every day and I'm looking forward to learning from you how to deal with those while the interesting part is some people who need the most don't feel ...
it, I know, but I doubt that you ae like your whole outfit about distress as well yeah, way are not gonna have a life without stress we could put that out there in the very beginning stress is part of life, so we've got to figure out what to do with that on the good news is we're humans and humans are adaptable organisms that so when we tap into that and tap into the science of it then we have some choice so that's the exciting part is gonna be an exciting course I know that there's your clique up I'm gonna get out of your way and seemed to take it away thank you thank you and thank you all for joining us thank you guys for being in the studio that is just lovely to have people to interact and thank you to all you who are out and about that I can't see I really appreciate your joining me this is this is a subject that's near and dear to a lot of people's hearts these days unfortunately too many people's hearts these days the world health organization has declared stress and epidemic that's a that's a pretty serious term um and we've got so much more information that we could be using to deal with it so that's what I'd love to do today's toe empower you tow so have some choices to deal with it um along the way just my style is asked me questions because this is really for you and we all have different stressors I have material to go through and they're things that I really would love to share because I think they're helpful but if things come up that you really want me to understand or you want help with please please ask that's really important so stress is optional that does not mean that you have an option of what happens to you in life sometimes you do, but there's a lot of stuff that's gonna happen to us, we don't we just really don't have a choice, so we need to find the ways to deal with it and we tend to dwell on those things way bring them to attention all that you know you won't believe what I'm dealing with like really don't start with me today because there's a lot you don't want to go there, but before I start talk about all the stuff that you're dealing with, I want to talk about the flip side of this what is it like when you don't feel stress? What is that beautiful state? And everybody knows it, we should actually bring more attention to it. What is it? What does it feel like when you're in that best state of what cheech in mohali took me a while to learn his name? Teacher mohali calls flow this's that state when you just really gauged with what you're doing, you feel really good about it and you almost lose track of time because you're the ideas are flow and you may be in conversation you maybe hitting a golf ball, you may be doing a number of different things, but you lose track of time it's your it's, your really on state you may be feeling your most creative you may be feeling your most engaged but it's his beautiful state so I'd love for you right now to just think about that state and if you want to start following in the notebook it starts out right away with that take a few moments and just describe a moment in your life kind of bring it back into existence a moment when you were really in flow time didn't seem to matter you weren't aware of any stressors you really weren't aware of anything except of what you were doing and it came easily you're not pushing it's just flowing through you like this water I'm just jot that down and kind of bring it back into your mind and and into your body just being in this lovely state isn't that a cool place to be? I mean we want more of that don't we? We want more of that feeling of just you know this isn't so hard and I couldn't do it I can come up with what I need I can meet life's challenges we want more of that state but unfortunately stress bumps is out of that state so if we want more of that state what if we dealt with the stress so that we could have more now I have this theory that one of our problems with stress these days is it our lives have kind of overwhelmed the stress operating system that we came with were tapping out so unless we stop now and get really proactive about what we're doing, something gets compromised so for you theres some check boxes in the workbook for you what on this circle gets compromised isn't your energy level? Is it your focus to get busy brained ideo that's my one of my go to places? Is it your health? Maybe you get headaches or stomach aches or maybe it's a silent health thing I in my story which I'll share along the way came from a world of medicine and I got to see firsthand how often health is compromised by just sheer stress it's just too much for the body to keep repairing the human body is phenomenal and we take it kind of for granted do it it's an amazing system and it's meant to respond to whatever challenges out there. But if it has to respond day in and day out, our health does get compromised or maybe it's, maybe for you you just have this feeling that there's something deeper a deep satisfaction that you're after you know that the kind of end of the day yeah either in a relationship or in your work or some way that you're engaged in life, I've worked with so many really high achievers and they'll say, you know, I'm getting it done now, but I'm not getting that gut satisfaction that I used to get that nice feeling deep down inside that yeah I was effective today I did something that mattered today so any number of these things can be compromised jot down what it is for you there are alarming statistics on what it does to our profits it's time for corporate america and every industry toe understand that if we don't address the stress we don't have productive individuals and they're not making the profit that they used to make think it was in like two thousand three which is pre this recession they estimate about three hundred billion dollars a year I was lost to stress I think now would be probably too stressful to do the statistics so so we're not even looking so the point is we want this beautiful state of flow it's eroded by our stress and these are the things that stress is interrupting toe how can we change that how can we change this equation? Well one of the ways is to think about what you need to be in that state of flow the next question in the workbook is just jot down or think about for a moment what do you need? What is it that would make you feel more whole and hole is an interesting concept we air systems and systems work when all the parts work in symphony together a term in symphony orco coherently what makes you feel whole and what do you need to do that summerlee definitions of health had to do with feeling whole I think that's kind of a cool concept so jack down for yourself what what do you need to have that sense? That completeness or that that feeling alive and well and just think about that for a minute and we're gonna work through that fema's we go through this whole workshop so are you alone in feeling like you're not getting that well apparently it's not a new concept this is cane in paris and twill aries um it's not a new concept about stress and in fact, in early medical literature there's a lot of talk about it's just the way that man is living that has to do with the illness that's occurring or the unhappiness that's occurring. This isn't new it's totally not new, but I do think we've reached a crisis level over it and it's time to step back and say okay, I'd like I'd like to change that and in fact the statistics really are alarming. This is a little more recent this is from last year comes like study showing that sixty two percent of the people then this was several thousand people felt high levels of stress I mean that's an awful lot that's a lot of people not getting to their state of flow, isn't it that's way too many people another thirty three percent or feeling constant but manageable stress why I kind of wonder if that's a happy state constant but manageable stress ifit's we'll talk about the different types of stress but it could be in o k state and five percent feel those stress levels I really want to know what they do you don't you don't you know I kind of want to know you know like who are you what do you do? Maybe you're just in a total state of denial maybe denialism it because everybody has some kind of stresses that that's that's a really good point yeah uh in fact when I worked in a psych office for ten years doing neural feedback on dh by a feedback which is a little bit how I got into this I'll tell you my story will quickly um I'm a physician I'm a gp and very quickly I was just out by the training I mean it's just it is insane there's just no other way to describe it at the same time that they're keeping us up all night and I'm prescribing medications in the middle of the night supposedly in my smartest state not if it's there telling me that labs lab rats go crazy if you keep them up it odd hours, you know I'm thinking wait a minute you just told me that rats go crazy and it's three a m and I'm supposed to take care of somebody's really critical health needs with my full brain capacity something doesn't add up I was stressed out early I actually wound up taking some time off and that's a way long story we won't go there I after I came back I had a child and she had some attention challenges isn't that a lovely euphemism? I'm responsible for them, as is her father, a lot of attention deficit on both sides of the family and she really struggled, so I wanted to find some different ways to help her. And I learned about something called brainwave biofeedback or neural feedback and it's I had not been working for little bible cindy's inter geek came alive I'm like cool this is really the brain is wild aan dit was thie end of the era of the decade of the brain thanks to george bush, they had done ten years of research. Cindy doesn't say that often way have done ten years of research on how the brain works and it was so cool and it was, um, really interesting this term neural plasticity came up the fact that we change our brains through life really? I went to medical school in the eighties, and they told us that if a nerve cell died, that was it, you're done and so now all of a sudden somebody opened the door and said, you know what? You can change your brain but how cool is that? And so neural feedback was a way to do that well, I was dealing in a and I was working in a psychology office with psychologists, psychiatrists lot of mental health issues and I learned very quickly that I could help somebody change a brain pattern but if they were really stressed they couldn't hold it so now I had seen myself and my colleagues stressed out and seeing what it did to our lives I had seen patients stressed out and getting sick and now I was seen sort of under the hood of what goes on in our brain when we're stressed put it together think this's truly this is truly something we need to be empowered well part of the reason that I took time off from medicine is that I went through infertility which is humongously stressful because up until that point everything in my life you know, if I had worked pretty hard and I could get it you know, find if I wanted to pass this test I had to study and yet got harder and harder but I knew how to do that infertility was like a nuke you can't study harder and get pregnant and in fact everybody kept saying to me you know you really need to reduce your stress okay like how? Well nobody told me that part and that was really my emotional hook into this of you there's got to be something I can dio because I can't chuck it all and move to an island right now so that I get pregnant oh and by the way I was married tio a fellow resident we couldn't both chuck it and moved to an island at that point so I really became fascinated with what this stress picture waas so that's why I'm here and why I'd love to help you all do something about it I think actually fertility is a big stress thing on a lot of women well actually it was the same story for my ex wife but she was stressed about not getting pregnant are stress was making it worse? Oh yeah oh and then they dump a pile of hormones in you which are narrow, active as well and I cried in the middle of rounds in front of the one attending that I never wanted him to see my weak side ugly, but it is it's a very common thing and people weren't discussing that they were it was sort of this it was my problem um so and but there are other situations like fertility there these places where you don't I feel you have control and that's a really frustrating state of being so let's move from that turning the page or if you happen to have a realized paper plate let's talk about really what's on your plate and an interesting note on that one of the things about stress is feeling out of control, but you know our brains actually like workbooks remember second grade when you got the little workbook and there was such a feeling of completion when you got through it o f l good, our brains really like that, so do follow along in the workbook and downloaded twice play with one today as we go, and tomorrow as we go through this a little bit faster and then do it again more slowly, really let it sink in. So today for you guys in the audience, american simon, pick up some pans and start to write down what's on your plate. So what do I mean by that? I mean, what are all the different areas of life where you're spending your very precious energy and time and focus so that's all the different areas of life for some people, they're spending it on some health issues, finances, work, work tends to be huge for a lot of people, this's one that I did not too long ago, very quickly for demonstration purposes off my my life isn't really like this work is a huge part of my life right now, I I came to this line of work in recent years I'm an entrepreneur I'm in business for myself I wherever he had and that is enormously challenging very different than when I knew what to do and go to work in a little white coats and people fed me patients now I have to generate it myself so marketing thought a big bubble you can make the bubbles bigger for the things that take more energy you could put your emotions on there you can put fear on there wherever you are spending and don't overthink this really don't overthink it just start jotting stuff down think about your last week your last month where are all the places you spent you it's really quite fascinating that some people I do this with top executives who I have a habit of putting on blinders and and just concentrating on one thing at a time and I know a lot of small business people who do that as well especially small business people who are in the creative world because it's like a different part of your brain you want to use and you can't think about the marketing at the same time you're trying to think about creating a piece of art or a photograph it would interfere with your creativity but every now and then you kinda have to raise up above and look at the whole picture really important to dio so just keep dumping it out I don't like back up the dump truck and start dumping this stuff onto your plate where do you spend all of your energy if you walk away from this whole workshop with one concept, this would be it stress management is energy management so you need to look at where you spend your energy it's really, really important and every now and then we're gonna talk a little later about doing this on a regular basis not maybe this level of depth but doing our regular basis stepping out of your life or is a friend of mine used to say coming up to sixty thousand feet I'm looking down at your life is a system where does your energy go and it's a fascinating thing to do? What are the kinds of things that you're finding as you put this down? Does anybody find themselves having more emotion around one bubble than another? I'm loved to hear from the online audience any insights is you start to do this, do you are you hearing yourself? It sort of pulled towards one area that stresses you out more than another you'll notice I chose to use red for I'm moving I'm moving next week yikes and moves up on that there are these stress scales in the psych world that look at all the different things that you could do you know, getting married divorce death of a family moving is is way high on there, so I gave him a little fear bubble because it's not without trepidation, that I'm taking on this gigantic move in my life and I have to recognize that that's that's real for me, um, and it's going to involve a lot of change and change involves stress and change is coming faster and faster, isn't it? I think as I'm doing this, I'm thinking of the things that need to be done and the things that aren't flow for me, I procrastinate on then that procrastination just leads to more stress, and so then I just get in a cycle and don't do anything. And so you shut down what I should do, right? Right? Well and what I'm not doing so should is a very interesting term to begin with. Do you know what your brain does? The minute you shouldn't comes out of your mouth or between your ears, your brain is inside there going, you know? Think so, it's. The minute we say should don't you? Do you feel the resistance in your body? You just saved yourself. I should blank, blank, blank and it's. You kind of feel your gut going, eh, you know, our juana? So that's a that's a fabulous insight so go ahead and put procrastination oh yeah I have a job like way back down there procrastination we could be like a clouding color you you put in several area so that's a fabulous insight so this is really a little different than your to do list, isn't it? This is what I'm doing. This is where I'm spending me any insights from the online world we've got some really interesting comments of people are passing back, janie lazy is saying not being able to be yourself because of how you're worried about others perceive you especially family that causes them stress I should be exactly right how how you're perceived thank you for that, that that is a that is a huge stress for a lot of people it is on all fruit of people are perfectly family pressure, I think that's something that a lot of people feel always you're being judged it all compared almost with siblings or whatever right angst puppy is saying coworkers stress them out oh yeah, yeah on red scorpius saying a d d is a problem for her but it's made worse by stress that and that's very true and that will come up as I talk about the brain on stress that attention is a frontal lobe function and under stress our frontal lobe hasn't even harder time doing it and just like this procrastination cycle that air comm mentioned that inability to focus and stress they feed each other in a loop as well and everything you've been through a lot of these were saying iran because you have moved you you're looking for a new job and you mean you've made a lot of changes in your life in the last twelve months yeah for the better fortunately but yeah, but it's still stressful you know so that that brings up an important point recognize that when I I'm a stress expert I lost it a couple days ago I just boo hood it was a long time comment I'm moving I'm in business for myself I have a number of other challenges going on in my life at the same time and oh yeah the truck's coming next week and I'm in calif on the east coast and I'm in california this week oh yeah that doesn't work too well and I'm writing work books in the middle of boxes what I hadn't done this the step that I had skipped was allowing myself all of that you know what? Sometimes life gets really challenging and it's okay to feel that and it's okay to take in that emotion and say you know what? Wow, I'm exhausted emotionally exhausted physically and emotionally and mentally and spiritually it's okay and when you allow yourself that you've done yourself a huge favor will you be talking about ways teo identify that sooner than later? Yes, yes, um, and if I forget to weave this through, keep reminding me because that's really important there's some interesting new research on self compassion. Uh, there is a great ted talk by kristen neff on self compassion that when we actually have empathy for our cells, how powerful that really iss and allowing ourselves to have emotions, I think one of the biggest stressors is that we're not supposed to have emotions. Well, guess what, we're emotional creatures, and when we suppress them all day long, but it was janie said, you said that we need to be somebody for somebody, yeah, that, um, a lot of that expectation is that we're not supposed to be emotional, just like me is an intern thinking that I'm not supposed to be emotional in front of this attending because I was an intern, I'm supposed to be cool, calm and collected wrong, you know, I'm an emotional creature, too, and we have developed a culture that doesn't allow that. In fact, our culture's pretty darn afraid of it. We got more coming. Patrice is saying she's, currently lacking a lot of self confidence amongst our, well, that's a big one as well, yeah. On a day is obviously going through a hard time thank you for sharing the same they've gotta log depression over money they've lost a loved one job situation is very unstable and they're not able to find a new job so mean all of those factors yeah impactful so life israel and life comes with these huge challenges are we suppose to be able to deal with it all with nothing happening? We're not and in fact where human were supposed to ask for help were supposed to be compassionate to others the majority of us like showing compassion to somebody else and we're terrible it doing it for ourselves just terrible. So thank you for sharing all that life really israel and can do I have a magic wand stresses optionals the name this course? Do I have a magic wand is going to change all of those things? No, because if I had it I would have used it already I wouldn't be here I'd be on some island sipping mai tais in that's not really, it really isn't real at all stress is optional in that the amount that you let it hurt you has some options can you get rid of what happens to you know but you can allow yourself some grace with it and gets stronger and stronger and more resilient in front of it? Does that make sense good so when we talk about all of these different things that are stressing is they kind of fall into several categories and I notice this especially a lot and executive coaching but also in personal relationships one of the biggest stressors that comes up is not in the workplace is not being respected are valued well what is underneath that it's really not being seen and valued as a human and we all have had relationships, work or personal where that occurs and isn't it kind of powerful to just call it out for what it is? You know I'm not being seen here medical training involved a lot of that a lot of sort of whipping you down we have a culture that does that the whip's down is if you know oh well you're just the intern in whatever industry you're in which means you have a name intern that's not a valued human in a lot of cases we need to be seen and respected as humans another category that comes up in this a lot is being feeling disconnected, disconnected from the people that matter whether it's because something dramatic has happened or were too busy or we're not we're not feeling it we feel left out disconnected from our purpose from feeling engaged with are intrinsic motivation that I'll talk about a lot so these air some themes another thing that comes up so often our boundaries a lack of boundaries I had a friend who was telling me that she has a friend like who hasn't dog who visits the mailman thiss friend's friend was driving her crazy and calling her at all hours and a super needy and because she's a friend and because she cares she started going down this path with her of meeting this woman's needs at all these different hours until all of a sudden she felt like she was carrying around this woman stress too, and she realized she needed some boundaries again because if we don't have boundaries we sort of bleed out all over the place so boundaries come up in the workplace, they come up in personal relationships as well. Sometimes we feel stress because what we're getting is not tapping are intrinsic motivation you'll hear that from me a lot what makes us want to do something it's it's not the carrot and stick that we're trained to and everybody knows what that means. I hope you know the reward and the punishment what really gets us want to do something is to feeling engaged with it we want autonomy, we want to feel like we can we want to be able to do it well and we want to do it for a purpose someone were disconnected from that were really start to feel the stress it's like opening the gate to stress any other themes coming up as you look at your stressors, simon one would be decisions so those could be you know things like career or, you know, taking a particular job or not or graduate school I've noticed in life that those have been big stress points often yeah yeah choice sometimes choices to any kind of choice and why do we need two aisles of toothpaste even right? Well there's that whole part like this one of my professors he had wrote a a book called the paradox of choice um I've read that yeah, but but so there's that that kind like toothpaste but then there's this more kind of macro stuff like, you know, should I be you know, what kind of career should I have should I work in marketing or should I work in, you know, as a writer or, you know, those kinds of things and yeah, I think so those were those different areas I think that so I love that you brought that up and I'd love for you to bring it up a couple times, probably in the next few sessions what's behind feeling stress over that decision can you give me a choice? Sure, in I cast another part of that is a certainty or not so like for example and like you mentioned value and extreme intrinsic worth so like so like any kind of creative career, you're always thinking well cannot do I have what it takes two to make it and that you know what the skill but like you know, could I sustain myself financially, etcetera first, like you know, any kind of other, you know, staple job and I think any probably most creative lives community probably deals with this often so I think that's one part of it um and then there's like the kind of the route to get there so with, um kind of artistic it's like, well, do you just do I just do it on my own first? Do I just don't I don't graduate school to do it so I take class like, what are the steps to get there and how did I motivate myself to do it daily? Uh, I love that you brought that up I've gone through a lot of that myself I left what people would call a traditional career went into business for myself and I'm a very right I was an art major so very right brain person trying to do this left brain function and made some big decisions there's an expectation underlying that that's really quite fascinating and it's that you should pick right that they're an a is there even a right answer? I'm sure there is no eyes really you know there's a probably a mental gap in my mind that that thinks there is right and just like you're so human and wonderful. Thank you. So just like you said, I should figure this out there what's that right choice and in every other part of my life I can kind of, you know, optimize or something like, you know, work in marketing some so you can split test that right? And you can get like okay, you know this this page is going to convert better whatever but but in these kinds of areas it's there's so many different variables so many unknowns and you can't do that so I think it makes it more challenging I that I completely agree and I am so right there with you I've just picked a city out of the blue to go move teo I picked a career that nobody people keep saying what do you do e I understand this completely and I think it's really important that we tease under that to the expectation and there's this expectation that you should do it right when really life is all research it really is and we learned so much from our mistakes and are they mistakes or they just part of the more sick who would his path? I have a picture in my house that was done by look I live in asheville, north carolina this week so high I have a picture in my house that a local artist has done that it's a person of the bottom of the hill trying to get to the top of the hill and their steps and they go up and they go down a few and they go around and it's just this maze of steps up this hill that's life that's truly life a few up a couple down a little sideways a little over hit a wall come back that's what it really is but our expectation is that there's this straight set of steps that goes up and if we get off the path we've done the wrong thing so grant yourself a little understanding for what's behind that I don't know about you I add a layer of perfectionism to it um that's you know part of my inner critics world and it's actually not a bad thing uh perfectionism is the can knock you out of anything where did it come from though it came from a desire to do something well and it's like your brain hooks into that path and it won't let go and and it constantly compares where you are to some idealistic perfect decision and all we see is this gap so it's really kind of interesting to just note that as you're looking at your stuff and give yourself a little space to say you know what? I can be eighty per cent sure this is the right choice but I can't fill in the last twenty I just can I mean, even if you pick the right school you don't know if you get the right professors for you you don't know if you wind up living in the right we don't know and when we allow ourselves to explore that with a little more curiosity it feels better does that feel frustrating? Uh I'm looking at his his body language is like sure sure lady, it is a ongoing fresh frustration for me that you know the unknowns and then I mean, even my life I'll look back and I'll be like yeah, I should have taken this job I should I should have gone to that school even years later those kinds of sex you know what? Simon? You are one hundred percent human you know, there's a little area in the front of our brain that for if we take path a there's a little air in our brain that is dedicated tow holding path be and for the rest of our lives comparison comparing a and b so good brain sinan, is there a way to turn off a part of my brain one too just recognize it for what it isthe wow, there I go comparing and we'll talk about that as we go through this session of just recognizing where we trip ourselves up first you recognize it and then you add something to it toe help yourself you're not gonna undo your brains path you're never going to be the person who you know puts just stake it and said I'm doing and forget about the it's obviously not part of your personality it's definitely not part of my personality um but accepting that can be hugely relieving just say wow look there there goes my brain and again going off on well what if I'd done that it's an exercise does that help okay uh we are human and when we embrace that we have so much more power unfortunately our culture expects us not to uh and that has set us up for duroc is quite frankly way now give them diagnoses but this is the reality this is what the human brain does it compares and that makes sense through evolution we had to be able to compare in order to survive. Now we add pressure to that or maybe there's it's funny I noticed tell me if this is true for you when I finally make some of the bigger decisions then I can get stuck in the toothpaste aisle it's like I've put so much energy into a few big decisions that I get I'm tired my decider is tired and I get stuck on stupid stuff yeah what it will be a stiff fine if there's like a big decision like that okay, should I go to graduate school then yeah, I'll be in the you know, at the store and I can't decide should I buy this sandwich or that's, right? Something like that, right? So like you, erica, I'm moving and I'm purging I came from a house that was three times the size house I live in now and I'm moving to a condo that's half the size house I live in we're calling this is this's the big purge and I've been overtired and doing things and I find myself looking at an object that I own and I'm trying to simplify I love a book called essential ism, but I'm trying to get down to what's essential to me and when I'm doing this later in the evening after I've been doing other work and I'm back to my packing sure, I'll stare at something and I'll have this ridiculous debate in my mind over whether I should keep this or not like there's a right answer like it really matters if I owned this or not to my existence, but I'm stuck and it's because I I'm spent the day working on my bigger decisions. So thank you for sharing that. Anything coming from the online community around this we've got some interesting things that people sharing about you know what causes them stress and give us some stress et cetera cheetah cheetah is saying having no control of my situation is very big stressor for them that's the definition of stress I think so you write good good observation and angst puppy is saying there's another theme is related to intrinsic motivation and having no control over their situations it's the same thing that she too saying they're on red scorpions just saying that when you're worried that you're going to ruin your life by making the wrong choices maximum piles up the strain that that relates toto this yeah what if there are no wrong choices? What if what if is one of my favorite phrase is it opens the mind it opens the possibility what if all the choices are okay? It's not how we're taught it's definitely not how we're taught but what if that's the answer in fact, there are cultures who do believe that it just doesn't happen to be this one. Erika um I think I find that when I have a higher stress level that's one like I would I'll second guess a job decision I made five years ago that doesn't matter to where I am now, but if I'm not if I'm in like a flows well obviously from flow state, but if I'm gonna lower stress level, I don't think about that I don't care about that decision um but since things creep in and when I have a higher stress level that is perfect that is so true you're not at your you're not resilient when you're at the high stress level for the mental intrusions that can occur, and that will make more sense is we go through this as you see the different parts of the brain that do that, but that that's really dear it's like once I'm tired, somebody opens the door to self doubt, ok, let it just pour in, you know, I think in third grade you shouldn't have picked that way. Well, it's like somewhere in our brain is a catalog of all of those things and somebody opens it and starts rifling through going, oh, yeah, you remember that time that's what we do, andi, no it's a really good question of saying they've talked about some of the stressful situations living in east, thanks puppy angst, poppy wow that's really something that you're using example of people who say they need the pressure to get a deadline done, they can't do it otherwise, so they kind of put themselves under that kind of stress but decided that they're also asking considered, can you? Just what is the difference between being stressed being anxious? Well, great question, great question um, anxious is the name of a state when we're not coping with it that's when our thoughts become more interested and we are not in control of our thoughts so that's that's an out of control feeling as we go through this, I'll talk about stress being a normal part and yes, we need stress to get going so we we definitely use stress people with a d d tend to use stress ah, whole lot because it turns on the frontal lobe. But when we overuse that as our motivator, we wear it out and we overdo. So great question. Thank you. Angst puppy. I love that name it's so I will talk about anxiety a little bit more. That is really the other end of the curb. So that's uh that's great, thank you. Any other questions that came from that? Yes, rianna is saying what about when you sabotaged your stress? If you're thinking of it constantly, you here how to stop it but you just don't follow along. Can you break that sabotage cycle? Yes, you can. Most of the time, nothing is black and white. Nothing is one hundred percent that's a fabulous question and we're actually going to dedicate sometime. And in fact, in the third session, we're going to spend the whole section on self sabotage because that is really it's something we do who are our worst enemies, where the most of where did most of our enemy qualities live right here um and that is an outgrowth we'll get into this a lot more but that is an outgrowth of a part of us that was motivating ourselves gone awry and now pushing too hard so yeah well and we all have self sabotage ways whether their behaviours or the thought processes we all self sabotage and what about angst puppies point about people who deliberately put stress on themselves by claiming that stress actually makes them do things you know they would they'll never meet that deadline unless somebody says you have that they're fine angst puppy I would love for you to learn some other ways to meet the deadline and we'll talk about that and that is true we have a culture that has taught us the deadline dependency and there's a there's what I call a cortisol dependency to that an adrenaline dependency to that and we see it over and over again been there done that myself that is a great motivator until you burn out from it. So thank thank you that's wonderful. So now you have this plate that has like who bug you know feels kind of heavy on we talked about the different things that are on here whether it came from some unrealistic expectations is that you know, I should have the perfect job I should pick the right career I should have the perfect family and oh yeah my a certain relative isn't you know isn't really up to par um I used to love being behind those cars and in traffic that have you my child is the perfect student at like that's how about that? You know, I think the people who claim they've got children on board as well, you know, yeah look at me I reproduced just you exactly and and when you're going through infertility running over, you talk about loving compassion e no stress I'm just intolerant of everything perfect he's got an excellent coping mechanism, so what are the majority of people were surveyed stressed about health health is the number one finances air close behind it and of course they were late to relationships and work they're all tied together and that's probably when you start to do this, you could put arrows between the things that relate and realize we're kind of a little more interconnected than we like to think we like to think of, you know I'm work cindy and I'm home cindy and I'm out with my friends cindy, but that's actually stressful to be different people in different places were less dressed when were authentic to who we are and we're being who we are but we're doing different things according to the demand it's so as you look at your plate, just think about where some of the set up for your stresses and for some people this becomes very overwhelming take a breath. We're going to do a lot of that in this class. Take a breath and just it's, okay?