Training for Resilience
So after you identify how you're doing with the basic human operating system wouldn't talk about what you need to operate I mean time in the city I need time outside I know in time people watching and I need to see art I need the world to be pretty um these are the things I need that at the end of the month I feel like I'm okay I've touched base with my individual needs I have to have time with my friends I don't do well without it now knead and my foodie addiction are probably that's probably it over killed but I like it so I I like I need to enjoy my passion's. So what are those for you write down some things that that are particular to you that you need the things that help you thrive, they feed or nourish your thriving and they could be a wide variety of things I've heard you know, some people really are not happy unless they've been outdoors for part of the day and then I've known people who seem to be allergic to outdoors they would rather be in the basement somewhere I need ligh...
t I definitely need to see light I'm a seasonal affective disorder person so I need to see light that's always my first question is I hunt for somewhere to live what's the light so these are the things that when you actually state that you need them kind of validates them, doesn't it it's okay to need this stuff it's okay to need different things in your life in order to thrive these are the things that when you look at them you say yeah that's me they may be playing out your values they may be playing at your mission or they may just be playing out another part of you I amused myself for hours walking around town looking at the different architecture and I needed that space I needed that downtime where I was just observing and noticing and it it renewed me so that's another way to look at it what are the things that renew you that give you energy? Maybe they're already on the black of your plate maybe they need to be on the back of your plate and then once you come up with some of these things that you need, you're gonna have to voice your need here comes courageous again you've got to speak him, you've got to speak your needs or nobody else knows and I see this happen over and over again. We assume that somebody is reading our needs especially if we're in relationship with him we assume that they know us well enough to know that right now we need a hug and then when they don't give it, we tell ourselves this whole big story about how they're uncaring and if they just cared more and after all we gave them a hug and we can we can take that story so far it's hysterical and all we needed in the beginning to do was say you know what? I need a hug so where that some of the things that are coming up for you all mine is to spend time with animals love it I need it yeah do you have animals not here but a soon as I get my visa which in a few weeks things cross I'm gonna get a cat. Yea, I'm staying in an airbnb that, um has a kitty that keeps coming in and it's just made me really happy uh I plopped down on the bed and cat curled up next to me thought wow, thanks a little per in my life. How about you something? Um see, writing movies? Um yeah. Um yeah, I think sometimes it's just something just like you said exploring in city something where it's you go somewhere and just kind of forget the rest of your life. Bet yeah. That's that's white space in and of itself you're disengaging from from the constant focus on something and letting go to notice that there's a there's a um it is a stress reducing and focus and anxiety reducing they're called open focus therapy where you actually practice focusing on a very small thing and then opening your focus back up and then going small and opening back up and you're teaching your training your mind this flexibility of focus that is really powerful so by going out and roaming around going to a movie and changing I'm a friend of mine who's a coach calls movies the great mind wash it's like taking your mind to the washing letting somebody else have it for a minute um it feels good you walk out and you shift your perspective again you can look back at whatever it was it was bothering you when you went in with a refreshed mine and that's helpful how about you, erica uh any quality time with my husband and then I hadn't put this down but time with my dog as well um I need your husband will be proud the dog came after that's right? Hey uh I need to do art so whatever that means it could be collage ing painting and ideally um and he just started art journal something that fills me um meditation sunlight outdoors alone time reading time um connection with my family and laughter is this the same woman who said she didn't have enough on her plate e had a pretty good plate right now but these air these air yeah yes yeah I'm hearing a good play on doesn't mean that we need these things that, you know, I have to do them every day and I should start ah, and I did this once I bought this, it was an art work book, and I thought, ok, I'm going to do this every night after I do, how stupid is that? I'm not gonna do anything every night, you know? And then it's sat there because I skipped it for a few nights and I started to feel guilty, and then I was sitting in my living room and I'd walk by and go, oh, and you know, I just trash something that means so much to me by doing it that way. So just knowing that it's one of your needs, you don't need to meet it every week, even but build it into your life and write it on your calendar, put it down and do the steps you need to make it happen and that's really helpful. I really like your point about have the expectation, like, good to see your example of saying you're gonna do it every night, and then you don't, and then you look at it, I mean, that's the story of my life, so many things, so I really like hearing that perspective good, good, yeah, we're awfully darn hard on ourselves, aren't we? Lighten up any suggestions coming in got lost coming in red scorpius saying they need time with nature and they also need creative time anc's puppies saying they also need creative time but they also need good food coffee uh, yeah curious I'm not sure they mean by this but they say they need a supplier for their needs maybe they're just being cheeky I don't know uh sky relationship maybe that could be it yes, it could be a sky eight is saying they need attention otherwise they'll be in a deep sleep aunt jules de photo saying they need creativity genuine people genuine care humor light and chocolate yes e what about yours? But your top needs what chocolates up there it's human contact um you know it's funny because they tied on my values one of my top values is to love and be loved so one of my top needs is to be with those I love um laughter is huge light is huge art I don't get to it as much as I like. I like the creative space and I I've had a hard time working it in with all that I've been doing recently so I give myself some grace with that but I will continue to build it in and that's a goal for me so it's important to identify these things and to realize that we're complex we have these basic things they put us together that we cannot live in that you know we can't live without eating breathing sleeping we can't do it but then taking the upgrade they're these things that we can act the mesa so us that make us strong exercise in particular is one of the basic ones that makes you stronger in the face of stress when you exercise there are chemicals released at first when you exercise there's something inflammatory chemicals released and then after you continue to exercise their chemicals release that are anti inflammatory so and there's a recovery there's a you know they're exercising and then there's recovery and in that recovery phase is this beautiful renewal phase for your body that is stress reducing its the very anti inflammatory things that reduce your stress the chemicals of the stress reaction the chemicals of depression the chemicals have been inflammation are all interrelated so when we do exercises actually a more powerful anti depressant than any antidepressant on the market it doesn't have a drug company needs one of those but it's a powerful anti depressant so it's a powerful stress reducer because they're the same sister same chemical system and isn't it funny that we tend to resist the very thing we need the most when we need it? You know it's like that's the time that I know we need to do yoga and I don't get to class um so nurture yourself a little bit push yourself just a little bit into those things, and we'll talk in the next session about how to really hold accountable start with this space, where you allow yourself to realize, you know, right now, I'm not doing what nurtures me and just notice it and then say, what if I just do it a little bit? What if I don't say, you know, I'm not going to make it to a ninety minute yoga class, but I'm going to get on the mat for ten minutes and just stretch. We're all just do two pulses, or maybe I'll just to child's pose my favorite it's better than not you're sending these signals, you're changing, you're taking back control, and you're strengthening yourself in the face of stress. Whatever you do, do it with the eighty twenty rule, and that means that if you do it eighty percent of the time, you have one, you are golden whenever you switched all or nothing. Yeah, you're stuck because you're not going to make all, and then you're going to beat yourself up big time, but if you live with eighty, twenty and the gray zones, then you have this ability to find these ways where you say, you know what, I'm not going to get in my three hours of exercise this week or one hundred fifty minutes the minimum for the healthy adult I'm not going to get it in, but I'm gonna get eighty percent of that in this week you you've scored rather than giving it up and that's back to that perfectionism again that's a place where we really get stuck so is you pick these things out learned to do them that way with some grace and some gray zone because you're going to be far more successful so we've gone through so many different things that you can do for yourself from changing your plate too bree framing somethings to finding the things of the needs that are going to make you stronger one way to look at these because it can be overwhelming like, you know, I got in that section I want to do this and this section I wanted to do this and now it's now I'm overwhelmed. Why way to come out of that is to just ask yourself what is your mind body and spirit asking for right now? Because you could have a list of twenty five things that you want to do that would make you this ultimate healthy you pick a few that you're energized by that are kind of pulling you forward that you look at and you say yeah, I kind of want to do that I kind of want to do art I want to kind of want to get on the mat for ten minutes and just start there, so I don't have to do a guided visualization with you about this a little bit of a a little bit of a longer one and then after that, I'd love to hear from the online community what they are asking for and thinking about at this point, so get yourselves in a comfortable position and start to slow your breath down. You can put a hand on your belly and start to slow it down. Bring your breath in those bellows of lungs from the nostrils all the way down to the diaphragm, the bottom just soft belly breathing and just relax into feeling that for a moment, cool nostrils follow it down to your belly and a few are normal human being ten thousand thoughts are going to try to jump in the way of following your breath that's totally normal, but just come back to your breath just keep coming back to it even though the other thoughts air there, you don't have to engage them and trust me they'll be more and just keep noticing the coolness and the softness and picture yourself breathing to an area deep down inside of you that is your core, you're deep inner core, this is the place of you that is unchanged by the busy world around you it's the part of you that is unchanged by whoever's demanding something from you or trying to irritate you it's the part of you that's inside and deep in it's just you and picture breathing that to it for a moment nourish it with your breath, this deep inner core self of you, and remind yourself of the next few breaths what the values of your core are. What are the things that are near and dear to your core? Whether you feel like you're cores in your heart or little below in your solar plexus, remind yourself of those values and breathe to it and feel the softness and start to let each breath spread that feeling, maybe it's a growing warmth maybe you're breathing a little bit of the embers sort of glowing in this core each breath just listen glow a little bit more, fueled by your breath. Let it spread a little bit as you exhale the steep, calm space that's you it's solidly u se fue and as you breathe again, let it start to spread maybe it needs to spread to the area of you that feels disconnected think your shoulders and your hips do they feel disconnected? Let them come into the warmth and keep breathing through that and start to have gratitude for that breath and for this inner core of yours and know that whenever you want, you can bring your attention here and your breath here and feel this core inside of you that is strong and has your own values, your own existence, and all you need to do is bring your breath to it and allow some of that strength to spread into your heart area. Your heart nourishing pumping that oxygen around you allows some of that strength to be brought into your mind. The calmness that connection to your values, like all the different parts of you, are starting to connect your inner wisdom, your inner values, your intercom, your clarity, your courage and your compassion both for yourself and for those he loved lotte to really sink in and send with your next couple of breath some of that wonderful, connected, warm feeling out to someone else who needs it, someone who may be feeling disconnected or stressed out anxious and then allow it to sink one more time back into you. When you're ready, open your eyes and come back to your normal breathing when you're ready to speak, which usually takes a minute. Tell me what you're feeling. If there any insights that comb from thinking about all the different things that we've talked about in all of these sessions connecting them to your core, what comes up is what you really need. I wasn't feeling this during the meditation but actually after I give myself a few seconds to open my eyes I actually feel joy yeah uh that's a good one yeah iet's I'm yeah I'm surprised um is that something you need more off oh yeah yeah yeah yeah um I love a listener will you don't steal my joy oh and I think uh, the exercise we did before the meditation um with the needs that are specific to you it was very important to me because as I was writing those down I was thinking well, you know I haven't done this or this or this lately um so like I don't need it but then after being a little bit more curious about that it was like well, have you really been thriving in the past few months? And the answer is no, I really do need that to thrive so it was nice too articulate that so that I know that that really is a need for me and not just some fluffy nice saying nice. Um and so yeah, I just feel like when you had said strengthen the guided meditation there's a heaviness that's actually a knot not a depressed heaviness but a strength heaviness solid yeah, you also said that college yeah, I'm part of it so how about you guys I think I felt yeah just pace fel the well analogy I just kept popping up that was one really resonated with me from you so what do you need to fill your well a lot of million time yeah alone time because I love so introverted but I find it hard teo um make time for you know easily give away my time if someone's like this I'm always I'm tempted by that because obviously I love people as well but right you know I have to like be more protective of that nice yeah so this is your deep nourishing and it's expressed in other smaller you know I want to do art I want to be with animals but this is your deep nourishing and I think it's really important that we keep learning the fivefive five type technique that's a cool down in the moment but taking every now and then to really come to a deeper space and put ourselves back together connect back together can be really powerful tio here what it is that's coming from the inside what is your mind? Body and spirit really asking for it? They like joy they like renewal. How about your sign? Well, one thing doing this meditation just like yesterday I noticed there's this feeling of like it's like this general kind of pulsating through my body and a very nice feeling I'm actually carry it. Is that like what? What might be happening? You want e don't I very curious? Yes, probably if we had a bunch of and simon has done some biofeedback, if we had a bunch primers, you probably got into a parasympathetic state, which is what you're feeling and it's a very healing, renewing wonderful state to be in, and we're supposed to rhythm in and out of it every single day. So you you are feeling that you're aware of it physically in problem because you meditate that's more your you analyzing, you go to the mind state and then when you really let go, you get to a physical feeling of it and so that's, just your description of it what it feels like to and that's fine, it doesn't have to have a word and that's a good thing, but thank you for doing that. Anything coming? Yes, I don't know they did this before I wrote this some story before they didn t breathing, but because he answers came in fairly quickly. But we asked, what is your mind body spirit asking for red? Scorpio said right now it's, they've been busy for about ten days, so they just need some rest, so they're just going to take sunday off and they went on to say and I mean totally off possum do you know how hard that is to do in this day and age? Totally to take it off it's like you? What do you mean? And media? Your inner critic pops up and starts ran. You know, here's your to do list said do not seem that cindy you are you're nuts, but actually a day off fuels the next six days and sally saying that her body saying any travel, travel, travel, tyr, you are gonna be too in time and deep conversations with the man of her life son peace, calm and then hoping that the crew will leave them alone alone for a long, long time. So maybe that's a cruise? Nice. That sounds kid, you know, interesting. So I wanted you all to see the contrast between the oh my gosh, I'm triggered right now I need to take a few breaths and ask myself, how am I physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually what's needed right now, who do I want to be? And this deeper feeling of I need to get back in touch with just, you know, I need to come inside for a moment and reconnect all the parts. It doesn't. We only did that for a few minutes, but it's giving yourself permission to go to that little bit deeper space