Fine Tuning Habits of Resilience
You've picked a goal you've made it smart you're motivated you're confident you've put up some environmental social cues what if you still fall off the bandwagon what's she going to do you thought you had it you thought you'd feel that I filled out cindy sheets I got it I'm good I could do this I'm sight I've been a you know days of creative live class there's nothing that's going to stop me and something happens something in your life or maybe it's just from within something happens and you fall off what are your choices? One of my old defaults was teo like live in the livin the mistake or live in the falling off the wagon um meaning meaning not giving myself compassion for falling off the wagon and not and remembering all the falling off the wagon and not just saying I'm starting with a clean slate and I'm moving forward um so that was sort of a default but then I can take that and say ok it was what it wass and now I'm going toe move forward and recommit to where I'm going nice nice...
one of the most important parts of falling off the wagon is coming back to your mindset shocking she would say that that curiosity put on your research hat what happened and in fact this is the trans theoretical model of change from the pre contemplation of I won't I can't to contemplation I may to preparation, I'm putting things in order like I'm taking a class and creative live and I'm going to do this toe action when you're actually doing it to you really it's become a habit, you maintain it relapse is part of every stage of that, so the first thing to do is just accept it just plain except that you may fall off the wagon and that's not the end of the journey it's part of the journey I was doing really well, I was doing my by one thing a day and then we wound up traveling and I came back from traveling I'd catch up with a bunch of stuff and I stopped doing my one thing a day it's not the end of your journey, it's just data to see what tripped you up and how you get back on that's when you start back on the list started the top of the list again xeroxed these off and half available started the top again. Was it the right goal? Are you really engaged with your why is it a smart goal? Or was there room for error in there? Something that you know wasn't wasn't really set up to win and then go ahead and do you know I'm I'm motivated and my confident where's the data why did I fall off? Maybe something else is going on you um but but just take it as research and not as reason that your inner critic is right related to that's very interesting so in work like a fine doing marketing or, you know, product development everything that's the whole approach we're always like okay, we're going to do a test we think that you know this you know, marketing promotion is going to work and I'm going to try it and then we're going to collect data and from the you know and we don't know if it's gonna work it's gonna fail but from the way always have that mindset it's interesting but then my personal life it's not like that at all it's always like yeah, if I failed that's just shows that you know, failure but I never we never think that didn't work, you know are just like, okay, we think you know it's just that a fascinating revelation that yeah, yeah, we need some simon test market data, right? You know, just making test market data this worked this didn't work and it's all a journey to find out what works together. This is just so normal and it's harder with some things and we we talked a little bit about stopping abbot's you know, if you're trying to give up something like sugar or nicotine that you're actually addicted tio it's a whole lot harder relapse is part of it but it's the getting back on and knowing what to do knowing from the get go when you started you have a relapse plan if I relapse I'm going to spend some time going through the habit sheets I'm going to spend a little time thinking about how I fell off and devise a plan to get back on and that's all it is I'm not going to start catastrophe izing which is one of our favorite things to dio well I can't do this so therefore I'm a piece of you know what? And and really my whole educations been wasted and I was born into the wrong family and I probably shouldn't have lived here and are we not capable of going to amazing places from one little failure where we can take one little failure and blow it up into we probably shouldn't have been born and this just something we do and there's actually a physiologic reason or evolutionary reason we do that because we we need to be able to predict worse case scenario to keep ourselves safe if this were to happen and this happens and this happens in this happens we could be so our brains are trained to do that already and that's fine just recognize it for what it is call it out wow, I'm taking this failure and I'm just catastrophe izing just call it out and go back to the research mode this is really a big part of succeeding is being allowed to fail, but making that failure not the end, making it part of the system and usually people who succeed can tell you a million things they learned from their failures along the way, tons of stuff we learn I've learned way too much my brain might explode. Now the worth of this graphic come, who do we need to give credit to for this? This is from the data this is porsche oscars and d clementi's trans theoretical model of change graphic by cindy um and you can find that in that any lots of different sources have this, um probably you khun wikipedia, but it's, um, it's it's a model of change on dh you know, why is there a model of change? Because change isn't easy. So how can we look at human behavior and decide to make it easier? That's the point of this whole thing happily make our lives easier and knowing that that this is a process that we go through, you begin to recognize that you'll talk to friends who were talking about doing something. Have you ever had the friend who talks to you for ever about this goal they have and you wantto, at some point you want to say, you know, I've heard that for three years you're done and you if you think about it you can recognize they're really just in contemplation they think they should do it but they haven't gotten at all to preparation they're not ready but they're talking about it so you you can ask them you know what would what would make you ready to do that humans are fascinating aren't we were very interesting so another important part of making goal is building in accountability how are you going to stay accountable to this goal what's your system what's your system for keeping yourself accountable to writing simon well, one way is having a have let's have a tracking app I kind of like the one you mentioned so no checking that off you know, each day is as they've done it so has a little checklist that's great do you use it? I'm going to start now that I have I can t check it out yeah, I'd used to kind of haphazardly so you know now that's something I'm going to do it's actually so now you're motivated yeah yeah actually do it each time afterwards which which app is it? Oh, I don't know. I'd have to haul. Yeah, just curious good habits is one good scene. Yeah, but um so a digital accountability yeah function how about you? I want to dio the old fashioned elementary school chart by the sticky note by the keys and free today that I do my one thing I'm gonna give myself a sticker alright eh yeah and simon's giving himself a sticker with the habit you know we need to have the stickers we need the recognition and we need to know that it's being counted up and I think for me it will be good to have it visually you know as I put my keys down then I have that decision what is that thing going to be it's going toe it be a little cheerleader to son see the chart that I I get to keep the street going and yeah we'll be good and if you don't keep it going for a few days you still have all of those stars that are there the days that you did it yeah definitely not doing it for three days in a row doesn't mean you haven't gotten any stars where I just where our minds go right but something that keeps you accountable is really, really important otherwise it's one more thing we carry in her head did I do it? Did I not do it? Definitely yeah, I like that concept of that you're caring in your head and even um you know, closing the night and all of that because in like and that's the procrastination it's all of those tasks that I'm carrying in my head and I'm spending energy on and sort of be able tio have that sort of as an analogy and really understand that is very powerful yeah, the more places we can give our brain a break the better I take a variety of supplements and and we don't need to discuss what they are I didn't take a variety of supplements and like a little old lady probably ten years ago I went out and got one of those medicine boxes that says monday tuesday wednesday thursday, friday saturday sunday and my friends were laughing that means like ok or your sixty five yet no but this way if I get up and get busy in the morning if sunday is still in there I didn't take it and I need to take it now so it was just the easiest way for me to have accountability I didn't have to think about it I was making a no brainer out of it so that I could save my brain for more important things than whether I took my supplements or not it's just little things like that that hold us and just make it easier a good habits up and over that type of rap is a really great way a sticker charts great way or any other ideas coming in it's interesting because re animus thing I'm just not sure how to hold myself accountable so it's obviously something she needs to think about some more but red scorpius saying she actually has an accountability buddy nice somebody she met here and she says, you know that they actually met on the course where they were both students so they support each other absolutely on dh angst puppies saying, you know, maybe on online accountability community my helen, we live in the age of social media, so maybe that's something I love that well, actually, andi, I talked with the content producer right before this segment about that of I would like you all to be held for this I mean, it just makes it easier to know you're doing this in community so we could possibly use the facebook page absolutely to do some of that so it would be really, really fun toe hold each other doing it and check in I personally want to hear what you're doing tweet me and let me know your successes because you know it's fun or if you you know, tweet out if you wantto oneto encouragement but that's what we're here for we really, really are and that's if if you form a community or you find one buddy from doing this, it could make a massive massive difference just a huge difference because I can anybody guess what the four letter word stress five goal help go would be another one for you to help no one anywhere said you had to do this alone you're not a martyr and high and mighty for managing life all by yourself one of the coolest part of being human is that we have each other and we have the ability to communicate probably more ways than most species although I I'm not exactly sure about that we have this ability to really take this entire list of feelings that's in here and communicate him to another person his entire list of needs and use it in communication with another person and we ever hearts to connect with other people the majority of people I have ever met enjoy helping someone do all enjoy helping somebody yeah we all enjoy helping someone so if you are not asking for help when you need it you are denying somebody the joy of helping you think on that for a minute when you don't ask for help when you need it you are denying somebody else the joy of helping you we get our jollies that way we are not weak because we need help we're human and it's a really, really lovely thing and we don't need to stress over should we ask for help just go for it does that resonate it's really amazing to me when people sink into this a little bit I was I was not you know autonomy is a driver and intrinsic driver we want to be able to do things ourselves and I was not a person who asked for help well at all I felt like I was letting somebody down, letting me down, I was imposing, I can come up with a billion reasons of why I can't ask for help, and when I finally let go and asked for help because I needed it, and I saw the join the other person's face and realized that that's, what I like to feel, I got over myself, I'm mrs raised an interesting point, and I think this might be some of the resonates with people they say they see themselves more like a wait for other people, and if they're worried or depressed or stress, they they feel that no one wants to have them around. So that sort of that hurdle of how do you ask for help in that sea, right? You think is gonna be the reaction? Well, I would go back to the questions what's, the real data what's the story that you're adding to that and what needs to happen in who do you want to be? In almost all the cases that I've been through this with people, you really aren't the burden, and there are times in our lives where were lower than other times. There are times when we need people more than other times, but there's a rhythm to that and there's going to be your friends who need you at other times. I'm getting older and I'm seeing friends start to go through some bigger stuff where the sandwich generation were, parents are having issues and kids were still not quite launched stuff happens and the different ones of us have needed help it different times it goes around and comes around so part of that is letting go of a story that you're not a burden that's the same as that is the story along is you you're weak because you need help I think also people have to accept that if you ask for help, you then have to be willing to receive it because I think a lot about people don't get defensive they might hear something they don't want to hear yes, and then they start putting says, oh, I was just a burden yeah that's a tricky one yeah that's lovely saying something like similar to that the same what have you tried a bunch of times you failed and now people just see you as a broken record move. You know, um I would guess that you're telling yourself that story more than people seeing you is that I would really and I I would if I were a betting person, I would bet on that, um change the story one tiny step at a time find his success with something you know you khun dio and share it change it one step at a time and change the pattern of your relation and watch how you talk to yourself around your friends because you made you yourself may be reinforcing that story and how you talk to your friends. I think a lot of us get in the habit of self deprecating humor, and we do it related to humility on we do it because sometimes it gets a re a funny reaction, but sometimes it can be reinforcing something that winds up leaving us not as in control or not, not as connected to the people who matter that just things to look for. Yeah, another question actually, from virginia of virginia's stressing, I think because the person causing her stressing just won't listen, that's saying so how can I tell that person there causing me stress? I try to talk to my boyfriend about it, but he just gets hurt on defensive. I assume he's the one causing this trouble, I'm guessing I'm guessing from that sentence maybe I'm dramatically off, but thank you, that's a good place again for non violent communication, obviously the way you're saying it isn't hurt and you can't control how another person hears something sometimes sometimes the two of you together need help with that and that that is the case, but start by changing how you're saying it we tend to assume that if we say it louder orm or or if we get very creative, we're really going to get there, and sometimes we just don't try the non violent communication method the data feelings needs and request read a little bit you can find a lot of that online read a little bit more about that um and then if he's the person causing the stress, ask yourself what you could do for yourself toe have less of a stress reaction to what he does only you're part of it too. I'm not being hard on you, I'm just stress stress happens within you, he has the the thing that is causing stress for you in a sense, but the reaction is yours. So where do you have room to play? That he does the exact same behavior and you register less stress? Where can you play with that? And if you need help with it, please ask please just let you know the facebook group has already been set up, all right, cool thinkers in the chat room, so please help yourselves join the facebook love yeah support each other that's so cool that's very cool this is wonderful, yeah, I'm not a huge fan of social media, but I love that part of it it's I really do love that part of it