Deepen Your Connections
(group clapping) So, we're on day number 19: building connection. And so here are our three goals for today. I wanna explain to you something that's called attachment theory, which when I learned the science, it really helped me understand how I attach to people. It's a different, it's a little bit of a different side of love and connection. I'm also going to talk about three relationship builders. How to build the relationship you already have. And then of course I'm gonna give you my 22 questions that every couple should answer. But first we have a warm up and our warm up today is I wanna ask you the question what frustrates you about building connection? I wanna know when you're building connection, either an existing connection or a new connection, what's difficult, what's hard, what's frustrating. Yes? You have to go through small talk to get there.
Yeah, you have to go through the layers to get to the deep stuff. I love it, yeah. Sometimes the deposits you're making aren't bein...
g reciprocated. Yes. Using emotional deposit lingo, I love it. So, the deposits are not being reciprocated. You're giving, you're giving, you're giving, but you're not receiving and you end up empty, yeah. Yeah? The unknown and I think a lot of times like you, like you talked about yesterday in the men verus women, in the, just the way like I'm feeling the stress or feeling like oh did I say something weird or whatever it is like, just this feeling all that. The uncertainty, unknown. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I thought the first answer was gonna be. You guys was like, you were like a step ahead, and like double up, yes, I'm so there with you. I saw another hand, yeah, Leigh?
It's hard to make them last. Oh, yeah, building long lasting connections as, in addition to deep connections. So, one way that, one scientific study that helped me understand how attachment and connection works is attachment theory. This is founded by Dr. John Bowlby and this has been repeated and replicated many, many times across different areas of attachment. So, attachment theory is the way that long term relationships happen. It's four dynamics of long term relationships between humans. So it's the way that children and parents attach. It's the way that partners attach, it's the way that friends attach, and there's four different attachment styles, ways that we connect with another human and each of us has a unique attachment style. When we understand our attachment style it helps us know where our insecurities lie, how we can leverage it and how we can communicate needs to our partners, our friends, and our parents or children. The way that this was discovered was by Mary Ainsworth with the strange situation test back in the 1960s. So this is actually very old research. What she did is she wanted to see how are children attached to their parents. So she put them in the strange situation test. Here is the strange situation test, OK. Step number one, she puts the parent, usually the mother, and child alone in a room. Second, the child is allowed to explore the room with parental supervision, there's a couple of toys scattered around, so the child is able to look around, play with the toys. Then a stranger enters the room, talks to the parent very briefly and approaches the child. Fourth, the parent quietly leaves the room. OK, so the child is left in a room with a stranger. Last, the parent returns and comforts the child, OK. So, the strange situation test is seeing how a child is when they're alone with their parent in a new environment, what happens when a new, something new comes in the situation, what happens when they're left, when the parent leave them and how they're comforted. How quickly they comfort. What she found was that after doing this test thousand of times with thousands of children and parent, there was four different patterns in the way that children reacted when they were put in these five steps. And that actually helps us understand how we attach, not only to our own parents, but also how we attach to other humans. That attachment theory is actually set at a very young age. So, what she found was these four patterns. Are you ready for them? The first one is secure. Secure children with a secure attachment style, they explore freely. They get into the room and they're like woo toys, what this, oh wow, look at the colors. They love exploring, and they're extremely happy upon the mothers return. They do experience some anxiety when the stranger is there and the mother leaves, but they're very happy when they see the mother again. They quickly are able to calm themselves. Second, the avoidant attachment style. They have very little exploration of the room. They get in the room and they kind of look around, but they don't really touch anything or do anything in the room. And they have very little emotional response to the mother. So they don't really engage the mother much. When mom leaves and comes back there's very little attachment there. Third, anxious attachment. So, this is also little exploration, they don't do much when they get into the room. But when the mother leaves they have huge separation anxiety, they really freak out, have a temper tantrum, get upset, cry, when the mother leaves. And when the mother comes back they have resentment towards the mother. They pull away, they kinda punish the mom, how dare you leave me in here, that kind of behavior. So, aware that the mother is there and an emotional response, but it's angry and resentful that she left. And the last one was, is disorganized. So, it's a combination of two and three. So, they have little exploration and they're very confused, so they run towards the mother and they kinda run away and they're angry. And they come back and they wanna be consoled and they throw themselves on the floor crying. So very back and forth as if they're being pulled internally about what they should do. So, I want us to figure out right now what our attachment style is. It's actually quite easy. People can usually self identify quite quickly with these statements. These statements were developed by Bowlby and Ainsworth. So, in your workbook, in segment number 19, building connection. I have a couple of paragraphs for you. Which explanation best describes you: A, B, C, or D? So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna have some of our audience members read these out and as they're reading them I want you to feel does that feel like me, does that sound like me. At the end of this lesson I'm gonna have you confirm it with an official attachment test, but this is the quick version for us doing this right now. So, who would like to read? Jason, would you mind reading "A" for me? I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others, I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close and often others want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being. Thank you. OK, so take note. Does that feel like you? Does that feel like, hmm, that could be me. You can also think about does this feel like someone I know. Right, does this feel like my intimate, or any other. Maggie, would you mind reading "B" for me? I find it relatively easy to get close to others and I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.
Yeah, thank you. Lacey, "C". I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner and this sometimes scares people away.
Thank you. Michael, will you read the last one? I can't decide between paragraphs A and C. (laughs) So, this is a very, very quick attachment test where you're able to self identify. I know this is personal, but does anyone feel like one really resonated with them or not? Or maybe their intimate? And if you wanna keep it anonymous you can as well, that one resonated with you. Yeah? Thank you for sharing by the way.
Definitely secure. Secure? Definitely. That is like solidly you? Yeah. So, you fall in the majority of the population. So, secure, "B", is 50% of the population. So, 20 for, 25% of the population falls in "A", avoidant. 50%, which is the majority, fall in secure attachment style. Then it's "C", anxious, 20%, and a very, very small percent of the population, 5%, falls into disorganized. You can take your official attachment test at scienceofpeople.com/pq. Did one resonate with you?
Well, yeah, it did, and I also have a question, how much of it is nature verus nurture?
Ah, that is the question. (woman and some others laugh) They think, and I'm gonna talk a little bit about this later, that it is nurture, and the reason for that is because you can change your attachment style.
Hmm. So, and we're gonna talk about, today is all about changing it. Right, so if you're secure, fantastic. If you feel like you have avoidant or anxious, I'm avoidant, then you can actually develop a secure attachment style and we're gonna talk about exactly how to do that. A lot of people don't understand why their relationships aren't going well, and a lot of the time it's because one or both members have avoidant or attachment problems, and just communicating that makes it much easier. So, I want you to confirm it later, but lets go through the different types. OK, what happens. Again, this is for you, but it's also for you intimates. Best friends, partners, parents, children. Lets go over avoidant. People who are the avoidant attachment style, they're uncomfortable with emotional closeness. They do not like to be dependent on others, they suppress or are unwilling to share their feelings. OK, they do not like to go deep or talk about feelings. They have difficulty with intimacy and they invest little emotion in social or romantic relationships. Emotion is a little bit scary for them. Fear, right, we're seeing a lot of underlying fear. Lets talk about what's the underlying fears for avoidant personality styles or avoidant attachment styles. Yeah? The person is gonna leave them, they're gonna be alone. Absolutely, this dependent, do not like to be dependent on others 'cause they're afraid that they're going to be abandoned or left, absolutely. What's another fear that's cross dressing as something else, that we could possibly see for our avoidant?
Dependence is seen as not being independent? Yes, so dependence is like I don't, I wanna be OK on my own, I wanna make sure that I can support myself financially, emotionally. I don't need anyone to be OK. Yeah, that's what that is. Is there, I think there's one other underlying fear. Joshua, yeah? It's fear of vulnerability, they're not letting their emotions out or their inner, what is it, like geekiness kinda to be seen. Yeah, they're afraid that they're gonna get rejected, that their vulnerability if they let it out, that it's not gonna be liked so they'd rather be fake or have a wall up 'cause that's easier than having your truth criticized. Way easier. Anxious ... Prone to fret and worry about relationships, and this is not just romantic relationships, they fret and worry about their friendships, they worry about business relationships. They need constant reassurance. They're anxious that their partner does not love them. They worry that their partner will lose interest in them. They become extremely distraught when relationships end. Now, of course everyone gets distraught when relationships end, but it really takes them out, like it really, really devastates them. Even short relationships. So, what are some underlying fears that might come up here, yes? So, I'm sorry, Sure. I had a question. So is there a way that the same person could be different in different situations, like, for example, while looking for a romantic partner and then while looking to be friends. They're like completely different? Typically they're the same, but if you feel like it could be both, it could be disorganized. Disorganized is a mixture of avoidant and anxious, so maybe you're thinking about someone who actually is disorganized 'cause they keep flip flopping. That, that could be it, but typically you're the same. Like, when I'm afraid of dependence, right, and I think it's 'cause I had so many difficult social relationships growing up. I'm like I don't wanna depend on anyone, I'm afraid I'm gonna be rejected. That comes out in friendships. I'm very, very slow to depend on someone. It comes out in my romantic relationships, it comes out in my business relationships where I really wanna take a long time to make sure that I trust someone before I depend on them, before I ask for help. I have a really hard time asking for help and support. Yeah, so any other fear, underlying fears, yeah? That they're not good enough? Yeah. That they are not enough. Scarcity mentality. The anxious attachment style, they live in scarcity, they're worried. There is not enough love, time, and energy to go around. That's why they're always needing reassurance their partner loves them enough. It's the scarcity mentality. Disorganized, so we just talked about this briefly. This is a combination of the both, OK, and they tend to flip flop. So, they have both avoidant and anxious tendencies. Overall, they're reluctant to become close to others and they worry about the relationships and the depth of connection. What you said is the exact symptom, is they tend to flip flop. And you don't know what to expect from them. One minute they want constant texts. Right, they're like hello, you're not replying to me, why aren't you there, are you there? And the next they're like whatever, like do whatever with your friends, I'm doing my own thing. Right, it's a flip flop, it's 'cause they have a lot of emotional turmoil. (laughs) Vin, you're laughing. Is this sounding?
It's me. Ah ha, yes. Well if you feel comfortable sharing of it you're welcome to. So, disorganized is 5% of the population, right, so it's a very small amount and the good news is we can change our attachment style. So, do not worry, we have more coming. Secure, this is 50% of the population. Secure attachment style. They have trusting, lasting relationships. They easily make connections, they have no problem connecting to people. They enjoy attachment, they like being in relationships. They tend to have high self esteem in self and the relationship. They're comfortable sharing their feelings with friends and partners, OK. So, thank you for sharing Arianna. Does anyone else feel like this could be them too? Yes, alright. I'm curious, what's your neuroticism levels? My neuroticism? You're low right? Your neuroticism is low. Oh yeah, yeah Yes, yes. Erica, are you high neurotic or low neurotic? Well, I think I was born a high and I'm a learned, a learned mid. You've optimized, you've calmed. Yeah, are you a high neurotic or low neurotic? Do you remember?
No. You don't remember. Yeah, I don't remember what yours was either. I would guess low or medium. Does anyone else think that as well? Yeah, I think, and this is not backed up in science, but I think that there is a tie between secure attachment style and neuroticism, I think. That's why I always ask people who are secure, if they're high neurotic 'cause I think that there's a tie there. I would love to do some research. Yeah? So, like with me, some of my neuroticism growing up, like, not exaggerating, in first grade I was worried about going to fifth grade camp. (some of group laugh) and every night I would worry about going to this grade camp.
Wow. And it was like the home sickness but that was like a high neurotic but I was very, like, happy to, like, I felt very secure with where I was. Like going away was very high. Wow that's, how did your parents try to calm you? Like, we would, they would talk about it, we would talk about my feelings. They would acknowledge it. I probably should have been in therapy but I wasn't.
But they used the right technique. But I was heard. I was absolutely heard. Yes. They validated you and that's the best way to help someone when they're feeling scared.
Yeah. So, here's what's interesting. This is why I had trouble answering your nature versus nurture question because we can change our attachment style, so that hints that there is something environmental there. However, Dan Shaver at UC Davis did fascinating brain research on attachment styles and he found that you actual, the brain patterns of people with different attachment styles changes. The way they experience things in the brain is different. So that makes me think I don't know if the environment causes the brain to act differently or if the brain acts differently from birth, we don't know that yet. So, here are the patterns. This is a terrible, sad but they put people in fMRI, an fMRI machine, and they gave them electric shocks. OK, electric shocks are very unpleasant, you'd not want to experience them and it's pretty terrifying waiting for the electric shock, when you know it's about to happen. Does anyone have this, been in these experiments before? You wanna talk about it just for a second, just to give us the premise? Yeah, I mean the pain is just like so quick, but its the whole time that you're waiting, you're just like sweating, like, oh when is this gonna happen. Right, you're waiting, it's horrible, because you know that it's coming and it's not that it's that bad, but your anxiety for it is horrible. So, the reason why that's important is because they're trying to get your anxiety levels up. That's the point of this experiment. So, here's what they found. That they could match brain patterns to attachment styles. What happened when the shock came? So, here's what happened. Anxious people, people who have the anxious attachment style, they had extremely high activation in the same part of the brain where low road fear occurs. Right, so they stay in that low grade fear. All the time, it never wavers. It stays high the entire time. Avoidant suppress all activation. So they actually have lower activation in their fear, they get the same amount of fear when the shock first comes, but then they try to immediately suppress it. So that, that activation starts to go lower, drop right away, and then for the duration of the experiment they work hard to keep it suppressed. So they're literally trying to get less of a response from that painful shock. Secure have the same activation but they could self calm faster than the other two. So they felt the same amount of pain, they had the same amount of surprise and fear when it happened, but they were very quickly able to self calm. They were able to self assure themselves. So our brain actually handles fear, pain, and stress differently. That's a tie in to these attachment styles. And accurate predictions just based on maps. Here is the good news, you can change your attachment styles and you can do it three ways. Producing oxytocin, oxytocin is the best way to get into a secure attachment style. This is for you as well as a partner. Right, helping both of you get into secure attachment style. The dancing a nonverbal duet. Right, so connecting non verbally. And an exploratory mindset. Here we go. This is our people skill number 22, secure attachment. Building secure attachments with the special people in your life. And I want you to have secure attachments with everyone in your life 'cause that is the most fulfilling kind of relationship to have. First, oxytocin. So, Paul Zak, he calls himself a neuroeconomist and he is like a rogue neuroeconomist. He does crazy experiments, I have like a little business crush on him because, like, he's so brave and, like, does, does really cool things. So, he does a lot of research on oxytocin. This is the hormone that fascinates him. Oxytocin is the chemical that's released in our body when we feel connected or bonded to someone. When we really feel like wow that person gets me. What, what's happening physiology is we're having high oxytocin levels. So, a little bit about oxytocin. It's also called the cuddle hormone. It's what's released when we're cuddling, when we have physical touch. I talked about oxytocin last night with eye contacts and haptics when we talked about handshakes. The reason why we love handshakes so much is because any kind of touch releases oxytocin and that makes us feel connected to someone. That's why, it's three hours worth of face to face time. It's also called the marriage chemical and this is from a study that Paul Zak did. So here's what he did in the study. He wanted to test oxytocin levels and closeness of relationship. So, he went to a wedding, he got permission from everyone in the wedding before he did this, and before the wedding started he drew every ones blood and he tested their blood levels for oxytocin. Everyone from the bride to every single guest, and every staff person at the wedding. Then at the end of the ceremony he took all of their blood again and he retested their oxytocin levels. OK, this is after a real wedding with real guests. Told you, it's a little crazy, right. Like, I even, that's a lot for me. You know, I did some crazy stuff in my wedding, but I don't know if I'd make everyone like, welcome to the wedding (laughs) can I have your vein please. (audience members laugh) So, what he found was, there was direct correlation, oxytocin boost, after the ceremony and it was concentric circles around the bride. So, the bride herself had the highest levels of oxytocin after the ceremony. The highest boost. And then it was the groom, tied with the mother-in-law. So groom and mother-in-law were tied. And then it was the bridesmaids, the brides friends, the grooms friends, the grooms family. So it was all the brides family and friends first, in this particular wedding, felt closest to the bride. You could actually predict the amount of closeness, the amount of intimacy in all those relationships. So, what this shows us is that when we feel close with someone. When we're happy for them, when we feel connected with them, when we're celebrating with them, we release oxytocin. It's like a nice feedback loop. It makes, we feel connected, which produces oxytocin, which makes us feel even more connected. Does that make sense? Kind of a crazy study. It's also supposedly, the roots of the word oxytocin are swift childbirth because supposedly women release a lot of oxytocin when they're in child birth 'cause that's what makes a woman want to feed and connect and bond with her child. The highest amount of oxytocin that we have in our life is when we have our first child. And it's so that we don't abandon that child. Right, we wanna feed them, we stay awake, we take care of them, that's why we feel so bonded to this creature. It's actually we have this huge oxytocin rush. It's our survival mechanism for taking care of offspring and that's kinda cool. Alright ... So, how do we have an oxytocin bonanza? How do we have an oxytocin party to get that secure attachment style because securely attached people they produce more oxytocin, they have more lasting oxytocin because they feel that safe secure connection. They're secure in that connection. Here's how we do it. We already learned this skill. Number nine, being a master listener. Being listened to and feeling heard is a huge connection building activity. It releases so much oxytocin into our bloodstream. The other aspect of this, the new aspect that I wanna teach to being a master listener is something that's called responsive listening. So, responsive listening is something that was created by Sandy, he nicknamed this responsive listening, Sandy Pentland at MIT Media Lab. He found that responsive listening is how often you say uh huh, yeah, yup, aha, okay, I see. Oh yes, I get it, aha, mm hmm, mm hmm. That is responsive listening and here's what he found. That men, the more short interjections a man made, the more attractive he was to the woman who was talking. There's a direct correlation between the amount of interjections a man make and your oxytocin levels and how attracted a woman is to him. But watch the interesting one. Women, the more short interjections the woman made, the more she liked the relationship outcome. So, if as a woman, we feel engaged, we're like oh yes, uh huh, mm hmm, that actually builds our own oxytocin levels. So, when we're with each other I want us to actually practice responsive listening. Especially with our friends and partners. It's a great way to make them feel heard. That's the plus to being a master listener. So, I want us to try this in action with each other, OK, we're gonna try responsive listening 'cause it takes some practice. Men, I wanna hear from you how this goes for you. If you like this uh huh, mm hmm, yes, interesting, oh, really, okay. OK, I want you try it men, are you ready? So, what we're gonna do is I'm gonna give you one of our table topics. You're gonna turn to your partner. Our men, are you nervous? (group laugh) Are you nervous? No? OK, so I wanna hear how it goes. So, you're gonna turn to your partner. Who wants to come up on stage for this one? You know I'm gonna call on you two, right? You're right here, yeah. Jason I think I saw you like nod slightly no, so that means I have to have you come up on stage. (group laughing). OK, so, here is the question for you. I wanna you to take turns answering. What would you miss most about your home if you moved? OK, what would you miss most about your home if you moved. So, turn on the person. Go right here. Lovely. So, who wants to go first? I'll, I'll go first. OK Alright, so what would you miss most about your home if you moved? I would really miss being able to just walk out my door and right. be so close to restaurants and the city and friends nearby yeah. Yeah. And not having to commute and yeah I just love being right in the heart of the city. Excellent. That was good. yeah that was really good. I wanted to keep going. (laughing) How did that feel for you? I was trying to figure out the timing at the beginning, You got it. The beginning and then I was just like listening and then-- it didn't feel like weird, I wasn't even thinking about it. I was just like oh I wanna keep talking. And you wanna keep talking, right? So, you judge the relationship as better even when you, so now we're gonna, we're gonna switch it. OK, so go ahead. What would you miss the most about where you're living right now if you moved? I think I would miss the weather. I would miss the food. Oh, really? I would really, I'd miss my family Yes. I'd miss the, just being able to go to the beach as often as I want. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. How did that feel having her do that? Was it distracting for you? Yeah a little bit. Yeah it was a little bit distracting. You'll notice that women are the ones who typically benefit from the more responsive listening, which we're gonna go on to talk about. It was a little distracting for you while you were talking? Yeah, yeah. yeah, that's kind of what the feeling that I got. I wanted to not say anything. You wanted to be quiet. Yeah, I felt like it was distracting, I could feel it (laughs). Interesting. I wonder if I was sort of like coming on, you know, like let me talk. Well, it felt like you were trying to like turn away. You were like uh, cause it was like too distracting. That's my openness, I'm looking around. (Erica laughs) So, for you, actually you know what I wanna talk about this in front of everyone. That was perfect learning, thank you guys, thank you. Alright. How did it feel? How did it feel? So who felt like that was like great, that was awesome. (some of group laugh) Terry, you felt like that was awesome? Tell me about it. Well, it just, you feel more engaged.
Yeah. And I think that's the main thing is 'cause I want to respond. I, it's like, even when she pauses a bit I'm like wanting her to say something, so I can affirm or something.
And you like doing it as well as receiving it?
Yes. Yes, OK. So, who else thought it was like wah yes, I like it, I like this, this feels really good. Lacey, yeah. I, I felt like he was more engaged and then it encouraged me to keep talking.
Mm hmm. And then also, he also did the ruck,
Oh good job So, then it helped to (cross talk masks words) Good for you. (group laugh) that was good.
Yeah, it was a good combo. And I was like this is fantastic. (group laugh). Oxytocin, right. It was, oxytocin was like gosh. I feel so connected, I love this. Yeah, tell me. I actually thought that you weren't supposed to do that and so for me it's a relief because that's, I like to, like, I like to nod, like, even when you're talking I'm like yeah, and so I thought that I couldn't do it, and so it's a relief to be able to do it. Absolutely and I will say that as a teacher on stage, when I get nonverbal feedback from you, when I get nods and smiles and ah, uh huh, it's like a relief for me. It's like a gift that you give me because you are giving me an oxytocin rush where I feel bonded to you as an audience. Literally that is what is happening from stage. It doesn't have to be even like it can be this far away. Yeah tell me. So, in some conversations I've had though, when the person does that it's, if the do it in more of like a rushed tone, I feel like they're trying to get me to Shut up. Wrap it up. (group laugh) Haseen is like shut up, yeah
I feel, I feel the same way and that's why sorry I'm (group laughing). So, so, yes, now we're gonna talk about the flip side. People who are uncomfortable either doing it or it made you uncomfortable. 'Cause you're tapping into exactly what the, what the key is with this exercise. So, who was like ugh I don't like this? Either saying or hearing it. Yes, Joshua? Yeah, it was, I think 'cause we were so aware of what we were doing I think it just me it seem like, just kind of fake. Like I wasn't sure how much to do it, whether I'm over doing it. Whether they're really genuinely listening, or just saying oh yeah yeah, okay, keep going and just being fake. OK, so for people at home, what you can do is I want you to actually give someone a call after this and I want you to try it and see how it feels. The whole purpose of this exercise is to know if it's authentic for you. OK, if you loved it, if you were like yeah this helps me listen better, I feel this connection. That is something for you to do. If you did not like it I never want you to force yourself to do it because that creates awkwardness. It actually makes you take a step back from the interaction. So that exercise is just to let you know how you feel about it. So, at home I want you to give someone a call. You don't have to warn them you're doing it and see does it feel natural for you to be like uh huh, wow, really, okay, and it changes for different people. So, when you are with you're partner or your friend or your intimates I want you to try it, you'll know in the first moment if it fits you or not with that person. Like, my husband is quite a direct communicator. He doesn't love that, it distracts him. Like, if I'm like oh, he'll stop and like hmm, like. (group laugh) Right, so I am very quiet when he's talking. I just, I just listen. He doesn't need that kind of verbal feedback, whereas if I'm with my girlfriends I'm like uh huh, ooh huh, mm hmm, yeah, I get it, totally, uh huh. I'll actually even say words as they say them. Like, they'll be like oh my god I'm so stressed and I'm like "stressed". So I'm like a choir to like them or something. (group laugh) Right. Like, that feels good to me. That is the way I connect. So I want you to, per person, especially with your intimates, to think about what feels natural for you, okay, on that one. That's one of those examples when science, if you blanket statement it, it's inauthentic. Right, it just doesn't work in action. So, the second way to be, to use oxytocin bonanza is to be nonverbally attuned, and I have a plus here because there's a little bit more on this science when we're talking about relationships. It's dancing the nonverbal duet. So, this is a, I cannot come up with this clever term, I did not come up with it. It was created by Robert Rosenthal at Harvard, and here what the nonverbal duet is. It is fronting, eye contact, and touch. It's the trifecta, that's what he calls the trifecta. Is that when you engage in those three things, fronting, eye contact, and touch, with someone you care about, it produces oxytocin on every single level. Eye contact produces oxytocin, touch produces oxytocin, and fulling engaging with someone produces oxytocin. So it builds all of that secure attachment. It's literally like telling someone I'm reassuring you right now with my body. Especially if you are with an attacked, an anxious or an avoidant, this is a great way to reassure them. So, very briefly, eye contact releases oxytocin. So I want you to listen with your eyes. It's another reason why I talk about microexpressions because reading microexpressions gives you a reason to look at someones face. Soon as we forget, right, we're like, especially overhead gazers by high open people, you overhead gazers you forget to look. Just to keep in mind, normal eye contact is 60-70% of the time. So, it doesn't mean that you're boring into someone, okay, that's creepy. Right, we don't wanna bore into someone. It's 60 to 70% of the time, that's the ideal, that's the sweet spot for eye contact. Touch also produces oxytocin. And here is the trust and touch map, just to be clear. So ... Red, intimate zone, right. Only if you are welcome should you touch in this area. (group laugh) OK, that's the intimate zone. In professional or social settings typically the arm is safe. The further up the arm you go the more intimate the touch. So, if you're with someone you can start with a touch on the hand. If they pull back, right, or step back, they do not like to be touched. Right, that is not gonna produce oxytocin for them. That's gonna produce fear and anxiety for them. If they lean into the touch, you touch them on the arm, they smile, they lean in, they touch you back, they want that oxytocin from you. It's different per person, so that's about respecting their boundaries with the platinum rule, treating them as they would like to be treated. I have a problem, I'm a high toucher. So, I will sometimes touch someone and I will actually feel them flinch and I'm like. And I have to, like it's a conscious thing to be like don't touch them, they don't like it, it's not respectful to them. Right, so I have to be really careful to not too much high touch. The third way that we build a secure connection is with the exploratory mindset and this is all about the growth mindset, the growth mentality. The good news is we can change our mindset, so I used to have a fixed mindset. In college when I started talking about how I started to go into exploration about people. That was when I first discovered that maybe we are not given all of our talents. Maybe we can actually grow them. So, you can absolutely change your mindset and you can do that with your partner. The best way to build connection with someone, to show them that you want them to be secure and you yourself wanna be secure is to grow and explore together. And this is where I have, ah, partners who spend a few moments each week writing down thoughts about their relationship boost chances that they will stick together by more than 20%. Now this doesn't fit every couple. Yeah? I did this for my girlfriend Oh tell me for, for a whole year. Everyday I wrote down how she impressed me that day and I gave her that as a birthday gift and she was blown away. ahhh. Here's the bowl, Michael, OK. (group laugh) That's awesome, that is really, really great. So, yeah, this is not for anyone, that's taking it to a whole new level. (group laugh) Everyone else is like. (group member says something inaudible) Yeah, no, ah (laughs). So, writing exercises and writing is not for everyone, especially if you're not, that's not the way that you learn, but I think that even discussing some deeper relationship issues, just that, having the eye contact, engaging and fronting. Doing, you know, really, like, I am with you, I want you to feel heard and validated. I wanted to give you a reason to have those discussions 'cause sometimes we just forget. We get busy, we don't even think about asking those questions. So, in your workbook I have the 22 questions every couple should answer. Actually these are not in the workbook, it was too long of a work sheet, so it's in your purchase bonuses where I have a whole handout. And these are questions that are everything that we've learned on the course plus. OK, and I've split them up into categories. For example, I have, the first category is emotional. The emotional questions to ask your couple like what makes you the happiest? When are you the happiest? Like planning, So I have a planning section. Where do you see yourself in five years. I even have a couple of bonus questions that are just silly but important. Toothpaste etiquette: do you roll it from the bottom or do you just squeeze it really, really hard? Right, has anyone seen this with toothpaste, like if you roll or not. People are like, some people are like yes and some people are like what? You've never had someone who had different toothpaste etiquette than you. So I have, the first 20 questions are the really important ones, but of course I have a couple silly ones at the ends. And these are based in research about what makes a couple successful. So, I hope that gives you some reason to go in and have those moments where you can have a lot of oxytocin, an oxytocin bonanza, and really make them feel heard and felt. Here's what's coming. Day 20, finding love. I'm gonna teach you the three elements of love. How to be the best possible partner and the five love languages. I love teaching the five love languages. And day 21 we're gonna talk about brand personality. We're gonna go from our love to our business section. In brand personality we're gonna talk about how to reach your ideal customer. We're gonna talk about the psychology of branding, the science of branding, and we're gonna talk about how to create avid fans. Very excited about that, that's kicking off our business section. Today's challenge. I want you to go through one question on questions every couple should answer. Do one of those with someone you're intimate with. It doesn't have to be necessarily your partner, it could even be a friend, but they're geared towards a romantic relationship. Another little bullet here is do you know your own answers? Lets say that you're not in a relationship right now. Going through that worksheet, do you know how you feel about those answers? Just doing that as a self exploratory exercise can prepare you to lay the ground work for a great relationship. If you're in a relationship or not. So I want you to actually go through them if you're not in a couple and see if you know your own answers to those questions. I also want you to take our official test on what your attachment style is and follow up on what you wanna work on or not. And what's your partners? If you're in a relationship, what's your partners attachment style. That's at scienceofpeople.com/pq that test for free, you can just take it. So, today I have a lot of extra credit prompts in your workbook. So, I did not teach everything in the live section 'cause I, this is such a personal section, you know, talking about attachment style and why it happens that I decided to put some things in the workbook for you to work on on your own or with you partner because I didn't wanna necessarily call, call my poor audience members out on attachment style stuff and where it comes from. So, there's some extra prompts in your workbook for you. Are we ready for? We are. What was the most important thing you learned today? So what was kind of an aha moment for you? I want three today, yeah, Erica? I am just so thrilled that the responsive listening is OK.
Yes, it is OK. Because I'm sort of just like trying to stop myself because I, for whatever reason I thought it was bad, and so I'm gonna be able to be, like, more authentically me listening in a conversation. So I'm thrilled about that. And then the dance the nonverbal duet, it's just a really good reminder again where the fronting, because I don't think I do that. I was catching myself a couple of times and so I-- or you were pivoting out? Oh yeah, like one of my legs is out, so having that as a reminder is really good too. Cool, yeah. Two more, two more aha moment. Lacey? Knowing what my attachment style is. I've heard it before, read a book about it, totally forgot about it. And then, so it helps me make sense of my own self, but then helps me make sense of my partner as well and being able to understand why something's happening. See how I would handle it, why she's handling it that way, and then and then the difference is to bridge move forward. Yeah. Yeah. And then pair that, pairing away that with journaling 'cause we journal back and forth too.
Yeah, I love it. And understand that that's complementary. You do the writing already. Now I have 22 new questions for you guys to do in your writing, yeah.
Thank you. One more aha moment, or thing that you learned today that you're going to take forward from here on out. Yes. The exercise that we did there, even though it was a mock up, but still I felt that in her answers she was very confident, she was likable, her answers was authentic and that was a new experience. Yeah with the responsive listening exercise. Cool, I love it. Well, I hope that I get to hear yours at home. Remember that, to use the hashtag peopleskills or at vvanedwards, I wanna hear what your most important thing you learned today was. We certainly do, I think we learned that all the ladies here want to marry Michael. (group laugh) He had the whole bowl already. Now as Vanessa was saying there's some exercises in the workbook that is a purchase bonus that are not actually part of the live segments that Vanessa is sharing with us, so definitely have this at hand, so that you can follow along with the challenges as well. Thank you for joining us for this segment, we'll hopefully see you back in our next segment. (group clapping)