The Wow Formula

 

Master Your People Skills

 

Lesson Info

The Wow Formula

(audience claps) All right. We are on day 17. "The Wow Formula." I feel like that's how you have to say it. "The Wow Formula." (audience laughs) And today I'm going to teach you my formula for wowing anyone, anytime, anywhere. This is about owning the room, right? That phrase that we hear, "She walked into the room. She owned it! She owned the room!" What does that exactly mean? That's what we're going to talk about today. And networking for awkward people. This is exactly what I use when I'm networking to calm, quiet my fear and my inner awkward. So of course, as always, we have a little warm-up to get our juices flowing. So I want to practice reading someone's personality matrix. So we're going to watch a video of Ariana, we met her briefly yesterday on video, I want you to take out your workbook, I want you to pull out a blank matrix - you can actually just draw one real quick on a blank piece of paper - we're going to watch a couple of questions, then we're going to discuss her mat...

rix together. I also want you to try to guess her intelligence and her value language. Okay, just as extra bonus. All right? We're going to do it all, all at once. All righty. Ready? Let's go. My favorite thing about my job is that I come to work and I work with great people who are really supportive of me and respectful to me, whereas my other jobs I've had in the past, it wasn't like that at all in the restaurant business. It was horrible. And people kind of treated you like you were stupid, but my job that I have now is not like that at all. And you come to work and people trust you, and put - have confidence in you and that makes me feel good. And I like that. When I was growing up, I wanted to be the Crocodile Hunter. And I wanted to work on like a travel show. But, you know, when I was little, I more wanted to be in front of the camera and, like, wrestling a crocodile apparently. I would describe myself as funny, loving, and weird. All right. So how many people got some stuff filled out? And there's a couple - these are getting harder, right? I'm building up your brain muscle, so I'm slowly picking harder and harder videos where we kind of have to do a gut check. We're not going to be able to get all of them in some of these, we're just doing - we're just starting with the fixed point theory. Remember how we learned about the fixed point theory? That we start with one trait that we're pretty sure we know and we slowly work our way down with more and more questions. So we're going to do the three trait theory, see how much we can get. So here is her matrix. What is her intelligence? Did someone get it? Someone have a gut check? Yeah! Naturalistic? Naturalistic! That could be her secondary. What made you think that? Her emphasis was about being the Crocodile Hunter and she spoke a lot about it. Ahhh, yes, you know what we should have asked her? So you, in your head, were like, "My gut check - she could be naturalism intelligent." The follow-up would be, "Do you still want to be a Crocodile Hunter?" Yeah. That would be a great way to confirm it because she could or could not. I like that. I heard - saw someone else raise their hand to guess. Terry, yeah. Would it be interpersonal? Yes! Her intelligence is interpersonal. What tipped you off to that? Well, mostly how excited she got - mostly how excited she got whenever she's talking about working with the people. Yeah. Absolutely. All those emotional needs around people and being supportive - you've got it. Interpersonal. Did other people feel like that was - yeah, exactly. That was my inkling as well. Value language. What do we think her value language was? Again, these are harder, okay, we're stretching your brain muscle, picking it more. Yeah? Tell me. Allie. Relationship? Relationship. All right. What other guess - primary or secondary? Yeah? I was thinking experience. What made you think that? Well for me, she was very descriptive of her experiences of working in the restaurant business and working with the people here. It wasn't just the people, it was the trust and support. And then also the Crocodile Hunter. But it was more descriptive around experience than you would normally hear people talk. So you had a gut check, right? You could hear things but you knew what to listen for. Yeah. But you knew what you were listening for. By the way, that was, like, a huge level up that we just did. We just hit intelligence, both value languages. What an amazing way to respect someone? To be like, I want to know what your innate intelligence is and I want to know what you value. Which is, like, pretty cool. All right. Let's talk about the personality traits. Here's some cues that I picked up on, that I pulled out. Works great with people. Peoples that she trusts and she loves people have confidence in her. Crocodile Hunter and she said loving, funny, and weird as her words. So what do we think? What one stood out for you in terms of fixed point theory? What was your fixed point, which one did you hone in on? Does anyone - yeah? I led with openness and thinking that she was high open. High open? Van, were you going to say that one? Did I steal your thunder? High open? Yup. And Crocodile Hunter, I think, the adventure, the new - I think that might be, yeah, that might be right. Do we have another gut check - yeah. Extrovertedness. Extroverted. High extro - what made you think that? People energize her, the way she described the whole thing, so. Right. Now, I wonder, and I actually don't remember, I don't have, like, an answer key in front of me, my gut check was yeah, she likes people, but it could be balanced because of her nonverbal. She had, like, quite a low voice-tone, she didn't have a ton of movement, not a ton of gestures, so I would not be surprised if it was equal but I don't remember off the top of my head what it was. Any other gut checks on things? How about agreeableness. I think we could - pretty good - we have a good guess on this. What do we think it is? High. High. Yeah, why? Why do we think it's high? She was very attuned to the feelings and the environment of the - Trust. Yeah. I feel good with people. So let's see how we did. Yes, absolutely, high agreeableness. We got that one right. High openness. Good job. Yeah. I had a feeling she fell right in the middle of the extroversion/introversion scale. That is because she expressed liking to be around people but her non-verbal was a little bit more demure, right? I don't think we could see if she's low conscientiousness. I don't think that we got a little tip on that, that's why it's red. And she's actually equal in nueroticism. Now, you could have had an intuitive hit on that but I think that from those answers, I would want to ask more questions for that. I'd want to go into master questioner mode and the law of addition to find out more if I wanted to solve those two. Shall we do one more? Yes? Okay, this is harder. All right? So patient with yourself. Remember, we're listing the really heavy muscles. You should be, like, fatigued, you're like, "Ah, so hard." All right, we're going to watch Michael's. See what we can guess. What I like about where I grew up is - when I was growing up, there was just plenty of space. You never felt that you were constricted. There was always some place to go out and fly a kite or play or throw a football or play ball. You feel like you could be outside forever, all day long. That I loved about it. Living in San Francisco, you don't quite get that sense of space and freedom as a kid. So I think I have two favorite things about my job. I think first, working with the different instructors, and being a peer with them as they develop out their content, I love the relationships that I get to build with them and I feel that with a lot of the instructors, I'll probably know them and be friendly with them for the rest of my life. The other thing I really love about my job is it really is a group that comes together for a common purpose and because of that, we have an incredibly dynamic interaction. A dynamic energy that is always moving towards a mission and a goal. When I was growing up - and now this is, I'm thinking back to, like, being a child of eight, nine, ten years old - my dream job was actually to be an actor in Hollywood. Three adjectives that best describe me would be willing, wide-eyed, and relaxed. All right, so, nonverbal. A lot of nonverbal in this one. What patterns did we see? Just nonverbal first. What do we see a lot of? Li. Gestures. Yeah. A lot of hand-gestures, a lot of movement. Yes. Gazing up. Gazing up. Yeah. Like mhm, let me pull it out, let me see what I gotta think about. Yeah. So I actually learned something when I was watching Michael's video that made me dig back into the research. So I thought it was fascinating the way he talked about space. Right? That was a very interesting answer. Because remember that I had the videos, I had the personality test, their intelligence test, all their stuff, right? I was looking at it and I was watching his answers and he had this answer, he was talking about a lot of space, like being outside, and I was like oh, naturalistic. Right? I think it's naturalistic. But actually, no. The way that he talked about it, did anyone else get a different hit? Because I was wrong about at first - yeah. Body. It's about proximity. Why? Yeah, why? Just likes having space around him. Right. He was talking about - actually, he kept talking about activity. And he kept referencing, like, himself, right? What he was doing. The activity. As opposed to the sky, the soil, the trees. And so that was a very interesting learning for me, watching his video, about how a body kinesthetic person talks about things. Right, that's kind of a weird one to guess but I was like ah! That's what it sounds like when someone talks about it. So, Michael. Bodily kinesthetic. Absolutely right. What are some other clues - here are some clues. Space, play, here are some of the clues I got. Peer to peer. He mentioned that in his favorite job. He talks about being willing, relaxed, and being open without judgment. That's one of the things he liked. So what do we think, what's his ocean look like? Yes, Jason. So I got high openness. High openness. Right. So we see overhead gazing, so nonverbal, and the verbal cues were...? Just trying new things, wanted to be an actor, and, you know, things like that. Yeah. Being outside, flying a kite, yeah. Absolutely. Nonverbal and verbal cues. I got more of a hit on nonverbal on that one for openness. Yup. What else did we see? Yeah. High end agreeableness because he mentioned teamwork and working together. Dynamic. Bringing people together, yes. What else? Yes. Low neuroticism. Why is that? He just very relaxed, chill. Relaxed body and the word he used - I think the word he used to describe himself was relaxed. Nonverbal, so nonverbal cue, verbal cue. Right? Low neuroticism. I think we can guess one another. Yeah. I was thinking equal on extroversion because he seemed like his hand gestures was really open like a confident person, but his way, his tone, and he said he's relaxed as well, so I was thinking maybe between. Let's see. So we had high agreeableness - good job. Low neuroticism. Nice job. High openness. Very good. High extroversion. So, I actually see what you mean. The one that tipped me off, I think, was he wanted to be an actor. Yeah? You don't have to be like a "hello, I'm here" to be high extrovert, but I could see that, okay, there's a desire, he doesn't mind being around people. In fact, he might feed off of it. So I get you on that one. Low conscientiousness. So what about that? Did anyone pick up on that? What could have cued us into it? Li, yeah, you're shaking your head yes. This may not go with - I just thought of myself, and he seems like he's the opposite of me. (laughs) Oh, I like it! Okay, so, this is a very interesting thing. So it's hard to teach intuition in a course like this. What we just said is very interesting. What you're talking about is a high level of empathy and we do that on day 30. That's how long it takes me to get to empathy and intuition. So awesome that you hit it on day 17. Is that when we tap into how we feel and we see, do we relate to this, it's called the like radar, which we're also going to learn later, do we feel the same as them? So it's interesting that you're like, "I am high conscientious. I don't think he's like me." That's how you've tapped into it. I love it. That was your intuitive gut check. So I don't think we could get value language from Michael. I don't think that that was possible - yeah, go ahead. So are some of these things related? Like, for example, a high conscientious person who's much more scheduled is generally more neurotic? Yeah. So remember those big trends that I talked about at the beginning of day 11? Yeah. Those are the only trends they've found repeated. Okay. So they have not found direct correlations like that. People have tried and said, "Oh, neurotic, conscientious," but there isn't a strong enough scientific tie. Not yet, at least. It would make sense but - actually, Michael, yesterday I think, you were talking about how because you're a low extrovert, that changes the way that you are - but you're a high open. That changes some of your personality traits. So that's a perfect example of someone who, they fit their own personality. They don't necessarily have to correlate, if that makes sense. Like, an extrovert doesn't always have to be open. It just changes the way you interact with people. So now I'm going to teach you the Wow formula. That was a long warmup, I wanted to start using all of our skills, do more brain muscle exercises. So the Wow formula uses all of our skills, but I want to give you some very logistical things to do when you're out at events. This is your map of an event. The art and science of handshakes, a graceful exit - exit is actually a huge part at end of an interaction is actually one of the most important parts of interaction. We don't think about the end, we usually only think about the beginning and the middle, or the climax. Then we're going to talk about mortems. Post and pre-mortems. So what is a map? As an observer of people, I spent a lot of time in clubs and bars and networking events, not talking to anyone and just watching people. One of the benefits of this is I notice that there are patterns in physical spaces when people go places. And here are the patterns. Almost everywhere there's a check-in of some kind, whether that's the front desk at a nightclub or with your name tags at a conference or a networking event, or the reception place on a date, or in a restaurant, right, there's always some kind of check-in. One of the worst places to stand, but where a lot of people happen to stand, is right at the entrance. Right after people get in. Here's what happens when people walk into an event. They get in and their brain is going survey, survey, survey. Okay, their low road is kicking in, going, "Is everything okay? Are my surroundings safe for me? Let me take in the landscape." So what was happening was I noticed that people would walk into the event and they're standing and then someone who was ready to go, "Hello, it's so nice to meet you, welcome to the event!" And people would be not ready yet. Their low road had not been in check. And so this is what would happen. "Oh, hi! Yeah, uh, just getting here, I - what do you do?" It's like they're not fully ready for the interaction just yet. And that's because you're getting someone in fear. So I realized that when I was standing up there, my interactions - the likelihood they were going to be awkward was much higher. Because they hadn't checked in yet, I could already feel their fear and the awkwardness and so it just became a really bad downward spiral where we'd be like "Uh -" "Oh -" "Name tag? You want to get your name tag? Sure, oh, I'll just watch you. I'll just - yeah, we're still talking. I'll just watch you write your name tag, that's fine." Right? That was what ended up happening. Okay. So this is not the place where I want you to stand. In fact, next time you go to an event, I want you to watch people walk in and see that, that they're scanning. It's a natural part of what they do. Watch them come in and you'll notice there's a moment where they go, "Okay, I'm here." Right? And that's when they go bar, bathroom, food. Right? That's what comes next. They've planted, and unless they see someone they know, which is where they directly beeline, it's, do I get a drink? Do I go to the bathroom and fix my makeup? Or go to the bathroom? Or do I get food? Do something. You also don't want to prevent anyone from getting any of those three things. (audience laughs) Especially men. Men work on a mission. Typically, when they get to an event, they're like, duh, duh, duh. So you also want to let them do their thing. Right, if they need to go to the bathroom, check something, get a drink, relax a little bit, it helps them settle into the event. Here is the sweet spot where you can make the best connections, where they are ready to connect and you can also pick it as your perch. It is after people exit the bar and seats, if there are seats, where people exit for food. So the reason why this works is because when people exit the bar, they are desperate for someone to talk to. You know that moment, right? Like, you got your, like, okay, I'm in line. I'm in purpose, it's okay that I'm not talking to anyone, it's totally fine. This is at least how I do networking, you guys. You're in line, it's totally fine, you get to the front, you're like, "I'll have red wine, please," and then you're there. And you're like, "I've gotten my wine and I don't know anyone and I do not know who to talk to." When you are there, ready to make a connection, you are like relief. You are like a superhero coming in and they are so excited and open and ready to talk to. They've got their fuel in their hand, they've surveyed the room and they're like, "Oh, yes, it's so nice to meet you!" The difference in the start of interactions - you start on a high just by being there. So that is the sweet spot where I want you stand, is wherever people tend to exit when they leave the bar, that's where you plant. And that's where - if you have a wingman with you, that's where you also plant. Totally logistical. Tactical. We're doing tactics today. The other place where you can stand, especially if you want to sit down, is once people get food. Another hard thing is if it's a standing and food event, like, people are, like, starving, like they're eating, and you talk to them, and they're like, "Oh - yes, um - yes, it's so nice - I'm sorry, I have food all over my hand." Right, you've already, like, lost the high. Now, it's totally okay if that happens. But waiting in line is a great place to talk to someone. Right, well, waiting in line, sweet spot, because you're just standing there. But once someone either puts their food on a bar table or has sat down, at conferences this works really well as well, like if people go get lunch or they're at a buffet line, and they sit down, that's my favorite place to be because they're talking, they're chatting. We actually make faster bonds when we're breaking bread. Eating and drinking with someone, our brain goes into a more open-minded space and we make a faster connection. So either one, if there's seats or sitting at a bar table, and then as people exit the bar. That's the sweet spot for connection. People are ready and wanting to meet. Yeah? What about - the food one, for me - I always thought it wasn't a good idea if they're on the way to get food because they're mission-driven. On the way, agreed. Okay. On the way to any of these places Never. Okay. You're going to stop the mission. It's when they leave, or in line - Line's still okay. Line is still okay, yeah, because you're waiting with them and oftentimes it's like oh, great, low-pressure practice. And your conversation starters are right there for you. "Do you know what they have?" "Have you eaten here before?" "Mmm, those samosas look delicious." Right? Starting on a high, curiosity, interesting questions. So lines are fantastic, yeah. Thank you for letting me clarify. Next part of the Wow formula is handshake science. Now, we talked a lot about handshakes in my Power by Language course, but I do want to give a brief tutorial now because it's so important. I never want any of my students to give a bad handshake. Oh my gosh, we have to stop that right away. So here's handshake science. Handshakes are worth three hours of face to face time. Three hours. They've found that the physical connection that you get, how fast we judge someone from our handshake, correct or not, is worth three hours of face to face time. Now our face to face time at this point in the course is much deeper and much faster, so it's probably 15 minutes of our face to face time now that we know the right questions to ask. But in general, normal chit-chat conversation, it's only three hours face to face time. Here are the four personality characteristics that we can accurately judge from a handshake. Now this is very intuitive. It's very hard. I'm not going to teach what agreeable people shake like. This is just intuitive gut check and so I'm actually going to have you practice with each other in a second. Agreeableness, conscientiousness, neuroticism, and extroversion we can pretty accurately guess from just a handshake. So before you try it - everyone's, like, gearing up, getting ready - (audience laughs) let me tell you about the handshake art. So this is the dead fish. Everyone hates the dead fish. But so many people do it! I don't understand. We hate the dead fish but so many people keep doing it. How is that possible? Okay. We're going to stop it right now. Here are the four elements of a strong - a good handshake. One, always keeping them vertical. So if you actually just turn to the person next to you and don't shake yet - just get about to shake - (audience murmurs, laughs) Ahhhh yes, I saw it. Yes. Is everyone - oh, here - everyone's partnered? Everyone's partnered? So did anyone have the impulse to go up or down? Jason, it was a joke, I saw a little bit of up and down. So everyone was completely vertical. Go ahead and shake - hello, shake - Ah, you're doing up, absolutely. We're going to talk about that. So I'm doing up. Okay. I thought the other way. (laughs) Let me show you. So Michael, will you come up and demonstrate some handshakes with me? So let me explain something about the importance of a vertical handshake. So I saw, you were slightly up, you had turned your wrist slightly up. So this dictates dominance and power. When we have our wrist exposed from our caveman days, this is a very vulnerable place to be. It's incredibly hard to fight. We have less strength when we have our hand this way and obviously this is a very sensitive part of our arm. We're much more protected if we're hit or attacked on this part of our arm. This is way back, our caveman days. So when we do this, it's actually showing submission. When you're talking to someone. It can show weakness or, "I am not so sure I want to meet." It's a kind of hesitation. So if I do this - if you shake my hand - I'm saying I want you to dominate. Right. I want you to take dominance in this position. Now the other way, is if someone gives you their hand like this, you force them to go up. That's a very me controlling him, saying I'm going to dominate you. Yes ma'am. In this interaction. (laughs with audience) So I want to make sure that you are respecting people by keeping the handshake vertical. That way you're not saying I want to be submissive, you're not saying I want to dominate you, you're saying I want to have an equal relationship on equal footing. We're not even usually aware of this. So I want you to turn to the other person and give a up-and-down handshake. Lacey, I took your partner, I'm sorry. I know. Actually, I'm going to have you stay up here. Okay. If that's okay. So the next thing, obviously, is dry and firm. Dry is a hard one if you have sweaty palms, I highly recommend that at networking events you keep a napkin around your glass. It's a really easy way to dry your hand off very easily. And firm, but not too firm. So I want feedback, I want you to shake the other person's hand and tell them honestly, is it too hard or too soft? Very good. Yeah, it feels good. (audience murmurs) At home it's very hard to self-judge your own handshake, but being aware of if you give out vertical, so I want you to sit at your desk or stand up and what comes naturally to you? Is it down or is it up? I want you to practice always giving out and making sure that it's completely vertical and straight-up. You can use the napkin trick when you're drying your hand or drying your inner palm. You can also, of course, always dry on the sides of your pants. Firmness. If you could ask a trusted friend the next time you shake their hand, say, "Do you think that I shake too firm or too hard?" Also, be aware - has anyone ever told you, "Ooph! That's a handshake." Too firm. (audience laughs) If someone's commenting on the firmness of your handshake, it's too firm. Or, if you see people - actually, I'm going to have you go to your - go to the person that you trust and have them tell you, but if anyone's ever told you your handshake is too strong, or too firm, or wow, it's a little too strong. Can I throw you a curveball right now? Of course. So I'm a photographer and I actually have a hand strap on my camera that, like, straps the camera to my right hand. And often times when I'm meeting, like, actual potential customers or when I'm on the site, so, my palm is sweaty and it's, like, occupied. And people are always like, "What's your name? What's your business?" And I'm like - it's this weird juggle, like - So let's come up here, let's figure it out. Okay. Let's figure it out. Because I want you to have something. Because otherwise what happens is you're like (strained tone). Yeah. Every event is starting off kind of, like, awkward, so take it. So, yeah, and it's, like, strapped on my hand. So help us. If I come up to you and I put my hand out, what's one way that she can do it? I - is it - I don't think it's another handed shake. So often times I'll say sorry, my hand's busy, but that just seems so awkward and uncomfortable. Yup, that is awkward and uncomfortable. And it's, like, shutting them down. And you being awkward and uncomfortable is going to make them awkward and uncomfortable. What if - do you think it would work if she reached out this arm and she touched me lightly on the forearm? Could we try it? So if I'm like, "Hey, nice to meet you - " "It's so nice to meet you, too." "Oh, yeah, yeah, great to meet you." Okay. That's good. It's not as good as a handshake but that totally works. So it's a warm touch on the forearm. So, "Yeah, so nice to meet you." "It's so nice to meet you." "Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Okay." I have one other question about that as far as, is it rude to, like... because my hand'll be sweaty! And I'm like - No. If I do decide to do that, I'm like...hey. No. It is not rude, in fact, it's respectful. People will always prefer that - first of all, they don't usually notice. Okay. They will always prefer that to a sweaty handshake. Okay. Always. Thank you. Thank you. That's cool. Okay, I like it, yeah. So sorry, I just - I have two things. One, you were talking about firmness. Just in my experience, and maybe it's because I'm a bigger guy, it seems like eight times out of ten, it's usually not firm enough, the handshake. Yeah. Agreed. It - very rarely do I feel like, oh man, you're really crushing my hand. But I think a lot of people are really concerned about that. Yeah. I would agree. I would totally agree with you. Go ahead, yeah. Second thing. The second was a question. So, some of the most memorable handshakes I get are when people do the sort of, you know - Hey-oh. The double. The double hand. What do you think about that? Yes. So I'm actually glad you brought that up. So I talk a lot about touch and the ability to touch in my Power Body Language course. So what you're calling - what you're doing is called the double handshake. So why that is so memorable is because when we touch someone like that, when we give double touch on hand, you're doubling the oxytocin rush. We're going to talk about oxytocin actually tomorrow because oxytocin is what makes us feel bonded to someone and oxytocin happens when we have that physical touch. So when someone double clasps you, it's because you're getting a double rush of the connection hormone. Now, you have to be very careful with the double handshake. I say the safe spot is hand. You can also do - Michael, will you come back up really quickly? Sorry. So double hand is pretty safe. It's a politician's handshake. Pretty safe. Double oxytocin rush. If you're intimate with someone, you can go higher up the arm. So nice to meet you. That's more intimate. The most intimate is the half-hug. So good to see you. Right? And that's usually a see you, not a meet you. So further up the arm you go, the more intimate. Okay? That's the rule that I want you to know. Thank you. I have a question, actually. My grandfather does this handshake - He dominates. And then I counter it. Perfect. (audience laughs) I've learned that over the years. That is the perfect way to do it. So when someone double handshakes you and you don't like it, right, you're like, "I don't like it," that is exactly what - so let's do it again. So - And then like this. Yeah. Yeah. That's the way. So that's how he corrects me. Okay? So it's a light forearm touch. That's an advanced body language move, that's an advanced body language move. Thank you. Perfect. I have a quick question about the too firm, because I met a lady once who almost broke my wrist (audience laughs) and I can tell you - A lady? Yeah. She had the firmest handshake of anyone I've ever met in my life, but I can tell you - I met her once, but I can tell you her name, what she was wearing, what she does, what business she's in, so does it actually - can it have a more positive effect? So I believe - (audience laughs) I'll tell you about her afterwards. You're like, "I'm going to crush your hand so you remember me." That was like my tip. I'm wondering if that's what she was thinking! Yeah, I bet she was! So I, in this course, teach that all attention is not created equal. I do not think that bad attention is the same as good attention. If you would like to do that, that will probably make you memorable. But it won't make you likable. Right? That's the difference between memorable and likable. So last thing is a small motion. So we naturally do one to three pumps. So it's a "nice to meet you" - especially if it's faster. Typically it's a one, two, three. That's typically what it is, but it's between one and three pumps. We're going to turn to the person next to you, what happens naturally? Try not to overthink it. As soon as I say that, everyone's going to overthink it. (audience converses) So hold up your hands for how many pumps you did. Two? One. One. One, two-ish. One. How many was it? One and a half. Okay. He's all the way from three to five! Yes. Ask me. [ Audience Member] Does firmness change, like, if I'm shaking the hand of a woman or a man, do I need to be aware of that? No. I think you should do what feels right to you, if it's a woman or a man. Because if you're trying to change for them - Yeah. It feels inauthentic. You do what feels right for you. Yeah, go ahead. What do you do when someone lingers too long? (audience agrees) I get that a lot! Yeah. If someone - so the great question was, what do you do if someone lingers too long? So you want to immediately open the distance. So the way that you do that is, so you're in here with them, the way that you can signal them both nonverbally and physically, is to actually step back. So opening the distance, it partially removes your arm, and they probably aren't aware of it. Most people who overlinger, they're just like... Right? They're just excited. They don't realize it. So doing that, it actually nonverbally says to them, "Ah, too much." "Okay! Let go. Release." Right? As opposed to just letting your hand stay there, because then it gets really awkward. Yes. So now let's talk about the art of the graceful exit. Exits are so important. They are the most overlooked in people skills. We think about first impressions, we think about rapport and connection. A graceful exit is hugely important because it's your last impression. Let me give you some science on ending on a high. This is kind of gross. Okay? I'm just letting you know. This is a really weird study, but I think it's the only way that I can effectively show you how important an end is. So colonoscopies. (audience murmurs) I swear there's a purpose here, guys. There is a purpose. So colonoscopies are supremely unpleasant and what they've found - proctologists were like, "We have to make it better. Like, we somehow have to make the reputation of colonoscopy better so people aren't so afraid to come in and do it because it's super important for health." So they're like, "What if we try to make it less pain - more painfree." So what they did is they added, at the very end, one minute of pain-free motion. So stuff that isn't - stuff that doesn't include any pain. It's not uncomfortable at all. Which means that the whole procedure is a minute longer. Now, you would think people would say, "I want it done as quickly as possible." But actually, what they found, was that people remember the entire experience as more pleasant if the last minute is pleasant. The whole thing becomes better! So the ending is super important. Even if you've had a really awkward interaction or you've had a bad negotiation or a bad business meeting or a bad date, you can actually bring it up by ending on a high. You can fix it, you can do some damage control. Even if it makes it longer, ending on a better note makes someone recall the entire experience better. So here are ways that we can end well. I like to do verbal exit clues. The problem - the reason why we have non-graceful exits is because people are on different pages. You want to leave, they don't. They want to leave, you don't. You're not quite sure how to wrap it up. That's the most common one, where you're like, "We both know this conversation needs to end." Or, "We both know the date's wrapping up. But we don't quite know how to do it." Here are verbal ways you can cue the exit to make it a smooth transition, okay? There are six ways to verbally exit. One: future mention. Future mention cues their brain to think about what's next. Which makes you say, "Ah! This is almost over." So, "Any plans this weekend? What are your plans after this? Heading home after work? What's your workday like today?" Future mention is how you can cue a verbal exit. Follow up. So something that you've discussed. "I will make sure to call you, email you, send you that number, check out that website, watch that YouTube video, look up that news story," whatever it is you talked about. The follow up. Again, it signals that something's going to happen in the future. Three: well wishes. Okay, so this is a really easy way. It's also a way to put in an authentic compliment. "Wow, your project sounds so great, good luck on that." Right? Well wishes of good luck about something they talked about, it's a very smooth way to end it because everyone's like, "Oh, okay, easy out." Right? Easy out. And also, someone, even if they don't want to keep talking, if they want to keep talking to you, this is a very direct way but a nice way of saying, "Yep, we're over. We're ending the conversation. Good luck on that." And everyone we know, mentally, that's a closure. Four: a compliment. So this is a direct compliment. "I'm so glad we met. It's been a pleasure speaking to you. I'm so glad I came to this networking event to meet you! What you told me was so interesting. Thanks for sharing, blank." Again, I don't need to do all of these. You can choose one, maybe two. Okay? Whichever one you're most comfortable with. Five: transparency. Okay, this is another way that you can do it by saying, "I promised myself I would get at least three business cards tonight. I got to go work through them, I promised myself I would do it." Or, "I gotta go say hi to a few people," or, "I haven't said hi to the host yet." So a transparency of a next step. Last. This is my last choice, because I don't like excuses unless it's genuine. Okay? Unless it's genuine, it can come across as not good. "I have to go to the restroom, I have to get more food, I have to refill my drink, I have to check my messages, I have to go refill my parking." I really don't want you to use that unless it's either really true, they're going to actually see you walk over to the bathroom, or you're absolutely desperate, it's your last choice option. Right? You've gone through a couple of these and it's still not happening, this is your last choice of, like, "I've got to go to the bathroom, it was great talking to you." So I want us to practice this. One that you're comfortable with - actually, I'll leave it up for you. So I want you to think about, which one do you think is most comfortable for you? Everyone has one that they're like, "Ah, I would feel comfortable saying that." Yeah, Ally. I have the compliment backfire a lot. Like, I'll say, "Oh my gosh, it was so great to meet you, I loved hearing about your trip." And then they'll start over! (audience laughs) Because they thought, like, I was so excited to hear? I love it. So which is the follow up to that? Well, usually, I start sweating and then make an excuse. Yes. Okay. You can do that, right. But if you're expecting - oh, Lacy, you have a suggestion? A well wish, right? A well wish. I agree. Right, so if they start going onto, like, "Oh, it was so great hearing about your project at work," "Yeah, I'm just so stressed about it - " "Well, super good luck on that." And then you peace out. (audience laughs) Uh-huh. Yeah. Um, I'm a big to-do-lister, so I love the future mentions for me and for them. I like to wrap up what we talked about. That's my number one. That's my go-to. It's also a subtle way. They will often wrap up for you. A lot of these, they will then say, "Yeah, it was great meeting you," and the future mention is a really easy way to do it. Just cues, especially coffees, meetings, that are dragging on a little bit long, that can start the end of the meeting. That's how you mark, okay, we're on next steps. Yeah? Really, I was smiling when I read this, because I basically do one, two, and six. These are the ones that you like the best? I don't like them. (laughs) It actually fills me with dread to ask about the plans this weekend because I want the thing to be over, I don't want to hear anything else. And then the second one is like, okay, well, if they won't finish then I'll just promise them something. Yeah. Anything. Yeah. I'll email you! (audience laughs) I'll tweet ya! So it's actually kind of nice to have some of the other stuff. So hopefully I, yeah, can take the dread out of it, but knowing you have a list to do. So I want you to turn to the person next to you and I want to bring - let's bring two people on stage to talk about which one is your favorite, which one you think you're going to go to to try first. Li and Bob, will you guys come on up, and just turn to your partner and pick your favorite one. (audience converses) All right, so, which one do you think is going to work best for you? Um, I usually go to six. Six, right away. What can you try first? Maybe, "Glad we met, thanks for sharing your story." Number four. Compliment, yes. Compliment. Because that is a more graceful way than being, like, "Goodbye! Going to go to the bathroom." All right, so trying four first. Which one resonates with you? I think one and four. One and four. So possible plans this weekend, then, "Yeah, I'm so going to that, thanks for sharing that." I mean the first one only if I have any impressed to continue with her, if not, then, "Oh, nice meeting you and thank you, that's it." I love it. Okay, that was easy, guys. That was, like, painless. Yeah! (giggles) Thank you! All right. So very, very briefly, I want to just teach you three nonverbal exit cues. So this is to watch for, to see if they're ready to go, especially if you're talking to, like, a VIP, and you're like, "Are they liking talking to me? Do they want to continue this conversation?" Or you can also signal these to someone else to go along with your verbal exit cues. So, the watch/phone check is a very obvious one. If you see someone engage in the watch/phone check, and I'll actually say, "Oh, I'm so sorry, if you have to be somewhere, no problem." And usually people are like, "Wow!" Validated. Validated. Noticed. "Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, I have to pick up my kid from school." Whatever it is. A lot of times that is a sign of their nervousness, a lot of times, it's just that they're working in technology because they're just distracted by multi-tasking. If I personally find that, I don't love it. So when I'm talking to someone, I'll say, "Oh, it's totally okay if you have to get that," or, and either they say yes or no, and they won't do it again because they know that you care. You noticed. You actually genuinely want to connect with them, not with them on their phone. Toes towards the door. So we learned in my Body Language course that we point our toes in the direction that we want to go, including our crushes. We tend to point our toes towards the person that we're most attracted to in a room, but that's not this slide. So when someone's toes, all of a sudden, they've stopped fronting with you, they've started overhead gazing and they're pointing their body towards the door, it's usually a physical symptom of the fact that they want to leave. It's a physical symptom of the emotional desire. In your bonuses I have your next big thing worksheet. So next time you have a big thing, whatever that is, I want you to do a pre-mortem and a post-mortem. Now you don't have to do this forever but I think it's a helpful way to apply some of these people skills and it's in your free bonuses for you. In your pre-mortem, what you're going to do is some reflection questions. What are you most excited about? What are you most nervous about? How can you make love to your fear? This engages your pre-frontal cortex, it helps you set your intention for the event. Okay, you don't have to do this for all events but if you have a really big thing coming up, before I did this course, I did this worksheet. Right? Thinking about, okay, what do I want from this event? You have a big speaking event, a pitch, a meeting, this can help you process some of those nerves. Really get really focused and set your intention. I'm also going to teach you in that worksheet a pre-mortem get ready routine. So I want you to pick the three things you're going to do before that event to get ready. Looking ahead. Is it a success routine? Is it setting your legs? Is it your superhero activity list? Is it reframing your gremlins? That's three questions or action items you want to do before you walk into the event. Then your post-mortem. So after an event, especially if it didn't go so well, a way that you can process some of the anxieties so it doesn't revisit you next time you have an event is to do a post-mortem. So post-mortem. First, the reflection questions. Who do I need to follow-up with? Are there action steps? Do I need to send a thank you? What do I need to do next? And then a little bit deeper. What was the highlight? What was the lowlight? How could it have been better? Just processing that out helps you reframe a little bit so you can learn for next time. So one last thing I want to do is people logistics. This is just a very simple thing, a way that I keep all my contacts in check, is I use email folders to keep all of my contacts in check. For example, I create email folders for different categories of people in my life. I have a follow-up folder of people who I just want to regularly check in with. I have a folder of VIPs. People who I just want to be really sure that I get their email and that every few months, I look in there, and I'm like, should I follow up with someone? Should I give them a cool article? We're going to talk about reaching out to big people later but I love using email folders to organize different people in your life. Otherwise, things disappear. You forget to follow up with them. I also love the gmail plug-in, and I think it's only for gmail right now, reportive. Reportive pulls in people's contact information when you're opening an email to them and it displays their face, their title, their social media alongside the email. It helps you put a face to the name and it does it automatically. It's a fantastic plug-in. It helps you, just, get a little bit more about them. We're going to talk about, in segment 28, how we can tell a lot by someone's profile picture. So just getting that little profile picture, it helps you speed-read their personality right there in your email. And lastly, I also do cities email, so I put people in different cities, so if they're in San Francisco or New York or Chicago or Boston and I have a last-minute trip there, I know exactly who to email. It's a really easy way to do it. You can do it on Facebook as well, but for business contacts, it's a really great way to be like, ah, when I go to Boston, I forgot, I wanted to reach out to her for coffee. So what we have coming up. The psychology of attraction and building connection. We are fully in our love section. The psychology of attraction. What are the three secrets to attraction? What are seven attraction murderers? What murders attraction? And the science of men versus women, the differences between the sexes. Lastly, building connection. Common connection obstacles, attachment theory, which is how we attach to someone, and three relationship builders that I use. Your challenge today is to do the next big thing worksheet before an upcoming event. I also want you to schedule to re-watch this segment before your next really big thing. So in a year, or two, if you're like, "I have a big thing, I need to take down my nerves, what do I do?" You can schedule in your calendar to re-watch this. We're ready for the what was the most important thing you learned today? What was your a-ha moment? At home, I want you to tell me as well. Use the hashtag #peopleskills or @vvanedwards, we're going to reward people who do it for all 30 days with my dating and my entrepreneur course. Matt, you raised your hand right away. The huge a-ha moment with, like, the chart of when you enter a big social situation and where it's best to meet people is - that was an incredible thing, not only for where I should position myself to meet people, which is actually where I meet a lot of my clients, is at big events, but also why I get irritated when I do. Because I go in with a mission to get somewhere, and if someone stops me, I'm like, I can't talk right now, but it makes sense now. Yeah, that's why - oh, yeah, so it's self-understanding as well as others understanding. Very cool. Erica? I agree, the map is going to give me a lot more confidence to approach someone because I'm never really sure and so that's, just, like, it'll help me level up to approach them in a more confident way. And then the exit strategies. I was just at a wedding where I was just miserable because I did not have a good exit strategy, and I would, like, mumble something that I'm sure did not come across, so that's going to be really helpful too. I like it. Did you have your hand raised? No? Okay, Jason. That you just have to practice this stuff. Because, you know, I told you I used those first few, we practiced, I tried to do a different one, and I just went right back to the first few. (audience laughs) Low pressure practice! Yeah. Yeah. Low pressure practice. Where it doesn't matter. Right? A stranger comes up to you, try it! Because you're never going to see them again, right, so that's a great way to try it. Experimental mindset, that skill, I love it. We hope you will join us for our next segment and we'll see you then. (audience claps)

Class Description


Learn how to inspire, influence, and engage people in this life-changing program with Vanessa Van Edwards.

If you want to succeed in business, life, and love you need to master the science of interpersonal intelligence. Master Your People Skills will show you how to effectively communicate with partners, clients, and colleagues so you can flourish in all aspects of your life.

In Master Your People Skills, Vanessa will teach you the communication methods and relationship-building strategies that will transform your interactions. You will learn how to increase your likability, deal with difficult people, be a master conversationalist, and quickly identify personality types.

This is class has 30 lessons each 45-60 minutes that are comprehensive lessons, activities, and challenges to assess and improve your people skills.

You’ll also develop techniques for overcoming awkward interactions, avoiding toxic people, and building rewarding relationships. Not only will Vanessa show you how to be proud of your in-person interactions, but you will also learn how to communicate more effectively online — via email, text, and social media.

Here’s how Vanessa will help you increase your impact:

  • You will be able to command respect and supercharge your first impression.
  • You will know exactly how to win more deals and attract more clients.By the end of week three you will have learned the art of speed-reading people.
  • You will have mastered your presence to be more persuasive, likable and influential.

Vanessa transformed lives in her previous CreativeLive class, The Power of Body Language. In Master Your People Skills, Vanessa will go beyond non-verbal communication, showing you how to boost your emotional and social intelligence.  

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