(applause) Alright, we are more than halfway through the course, and today we're talking about people hacks. Day 16, these are my favorite tricks to use in putting everything we've learned so far together. We're gonna start layering our skills together. My goals for today are to apply the people skills you've learned. I also want to talk about acing an interview and rocking a pitch meeting. We're gonna talk about public speaking, cold contacting, conflict, and negotiation. We're gonna be applying our people skills like ninjas to lots of different areas. Your people skills are like martial arts moves, that what you want to do, we can apply in different areas. You can also think of it if you want as a Swiss army knife, that when you go out, interactions, no matter what interaction it is, you might bring out one tool or the other that I've taught you, that you can just pull out at any situation. We're gonna play a little game for our warmup, and this game is called Which Skill? What I'm g...
onna do is I'm gonna show you a situation and I want you to use your PQ Skill Answer Sheets. This is in your Purchase Bonuses. You guys have them right in front of you. What I want you to do is look at your PQ Skills at home and when I show you a situation, I want you to guess or think about what skill you would use in that situation. What Swiss army knife tool would you bring out? There's no right or wrong answer here, so I just want you to call out what you would do when you were in that situation. So here's the first situation: meeting your future mother-in-law. Whoo! (laughing) Yeah, alright, yeah? Trigger dopamine. Trigger dopamine, I love it! (laughing) Yes, 'cause you want to get those pleasure centers going. Maggie, I saw you raise your hand.
I was gonna say that, but also say find their value? Find their value. So here's what I said, be relentlessly curious; find out about as much as you can about them; be a highlighter, and the platinum rule. Treat them as they want to be treated. Again, there's no right or wrong answer. This is just what I like to pull out in this situation, okay?
In worst case, just enter fearvana? Worst case, enter fearvana, exactly.
Introspection, refrain, rename, make love to my fear, I'm good.
Yes, exactly, I love it, Michael. Alright, let's play Which Skill, Which Game. Oh, yeah. He is like, why is that up there, hmm? Alright, let's do it again. Which Skill for your best friend is going through a break-up. Yeah, Lee. Be a master listener. Totally, totally be there for them. Yeah, use the (mumbles) technique, yeah, Erica? Platinum rule? Platinum rule, absolutely. Treat them as they would like to be treated, not as you would like to be treated through a breakup. Here's what I got. What I would do is be a master listener, yes. Absolutely, got that one; be non-verbally attuned, show them that you're there for them in that really hard time; and enter fearvana, right? If that brings up anxiety for them or for you, you can help them go through introspection. Say, don't judge, it's totally normal. "This totally happens, I get you." Next one, which skill would you use: you have to give a toast at your best friend's wedding. Maggie. Surprise people. Surprise people, yeah, I love it. Lee, what was yours? Harvest stories? Harvest stories, yeah, tell me, yeah? I just gave a toast at my best friend's, and I actually entered fearvana. I had to leave the dinner and I went into the other room and I actually did that. Fearvana, I love it. It's (mumbles). So contagious confidence, right, power pose before you get up there to give that toast; surprise people, very good; and harvest stories while we're speaking. In toasts, people love hearing stories about them and that also triggers their dopamine. One more, which skill? You have a pitch with a high potential client. Which skill would you use? Yes! Number eight? Be relentlessly curious? Be relentlessly curious. Exactly, figure out what they need, yeah?
Contagious confidence? Yeah, pre-power pose it before you get in there and make sure that they feel that confidence, too. Yeah, Lacy?
Why, not what? Why, not what. Oh, God, you skipped ahead, Lac, you skipped ahead. We haven't learned that yet, but you are right. You're right, that's get excited for Segment 23. Okay, yeah. (laughing) So here's the ones I said: Trigger dopamine, right, get there pleasure centers going so they remember a positive experience with you; optimize personality, read that potential client's personality and see how they like to interact; and 19, find their value, find what motivates them so you can tap into that. This all comes down to skill #20, which is to be a people ninja. Use your people skills to be flexible, adaptable, and ready for any situation. I want to take a moment and talk about how we learn. We've been hinting about this through the course about how do we apply all this mountain of information into our real life, so I want to break down the learning process for us. It starts with awareness. In this course, just being aware of our actions, of our fears, of our motivation, how we project who we are and how that's perceived. That's the 1st stage. You can check that off. We are doing awareness right now. That is what the matrix is all about. Just teaching you to be aware of your own matrix, of your personality traits, of your intelligence, of your value language, and in segment 19, your love language. That makes you aware of who you are and who other people are. The 2nd stage is the hardest. It's discomfort. Learning is sometimes uncomfortable. In fact, you might feel like you're freakin' me out. You're freakin' me out, right? And there have been moments like this where you're like, "Oh, you're freakin' me out, Vanessa. "This is too hard." I actually have a shirt that's a cat. It says, "You're freaking meow." I almost wore it, but I decided to go with the Super V instead to get a little bit of inner strength. And here's why that happens. Building muscles sometimes hurts. Let me show you some science behind learning. Dr. Daniel Amen does brain research and he is a pioneer in how our brain can adapt and learn and build muscle incredibly quickly. Here's what he found. This is a scan of an active, healthy brain. It's almost three-dimensional. It's an activity scan, looks pretty good. Now I wanna show you, this is a picture of a drug-affected brain. Holes in activity, whole areas that are missing activity. This is an image of an Alzheimer's-affected brain, whole areas of the brain have lost activity. He worked intensely with Duval Love, former NFL player Duval Love. This is Duval Love's brain when he first got out of the NFL, almost like a drug-affected brain, almost like an Alzheimer's brain with tons of loss of activity from all the hits he took throughout his football career. He actually lost brain power. Parts of his brain shut down their activity. Dr. Daniel Amen has found a way to grow our brain back, to highlight, ah, we have low activity in this area, we're gonna do these activities to build that up. After three months of brain training, of being in the brain gym, this is Duval Love's brain, after only three months of brain gym. This course is your brain gym, right? No matter how good or bad you were with people skills before, those parts of your brain, we are getting that activity up. We're building new neural pathways to read people and hear people, and see people. What is our body saying? How confident can we be? How can we be attuned? Every day we're building up that muscle and that makes it a little big uncomfortable because we're literally carving new neural pathways in our brain. We're making new connections between our synapses. This course is getting you through that discomfort. The last phase is adoption, adoption and assimilation, putting all those skills into practice so it begins to feel natural. Let me show you how to check this part off. This happens in the course as well as after the course. In your workbook, I have a Skills Worksheet. It should be in the very back of your workbook. It's one of the Purchase Bonuses. What I've done to make it easy for you to adopt is I've broken down every day into skills. For each day, there are the skills you need to learn from that day, and then I've split it up into the four columns of adoption. Here are the four columns of adoption. First, I want you to start with one skill at a time. I'm making you do a lot at a time, but I try to only have one skill per day. I'm so happy this is a 30-day course because you're able to do about one skill, or one law, people skill per day. I want you to start with one specific habit change at a time. Start at the top of your chart and only focus on one at a time; otherwise, it's a lot for your brain. You can do more than one, but it's a lot. Second, I want you to do on your own practice. That's the first way to get to adoption. So that's writing, that's why I have a workbook for you. The reason why I created this workbook was so that you could start to write and explore on your own practice, fear file, triggers, why you do things, that's the first part of adoption. You can also practice it out loud or in the mirror. At home, every time you do one of our exercises with us, you're moving down the adoption funnel. Third, third-party practice. Now we're doing this in this course, and I hope at home you have a learning partner or a patient friend, or a wing man that you can start low-pressure third-party practice with where you say, "Okay, I want to try "one new conversation starter today." This gets us into our 4th phase of adoption, which is low-pressure practice. It's almost impossible to try these skills for the first time at a huge client meeting. It's too much. That's why I was so happy the last few segments. You guys have talked about talking to taxi drivers, talking to your hotel checkout person, that's low-pressure practice. Starting on IM, or our email, that's a way where you can slowly start to implement the skills. So what I want you to do is I want you to use this Skill Worksheet, can actually tear it out of your workbook or print it out of your workbook, and you can slowly check off. So you can actually go through, you've already done a lot of on your own practice for the first column for most of these skills, and slowly work across and down your columns. You can do one skill at a time. I want to do Together: Which Skill? We played Which Skill at the very beginning of this segment. I'm gonna go through different areas and we're gonna talk about which skills fit in each area. The first one, how to ace an interview or a big meeting. Big pitch, VIP, same principles apply. So if you had to ace an interview, you had a big pitch meeting, which skill would you use? Real quick, what, yeah?
Contagious confidence. Yeah, starting with that power pose, I love it. Actually, think that is one of them. Here are my three favorite skills for acing an interview or going into a big meeting. First, harnessing intelligence, thinking about what value do you have to offer. If you're going into a job interview, you're going into a big meeting, you wanna know exactly what talent you have to share and how to harness that. Second, going with purpose and intention. What interviewers look for is someone who is driven. It doesn't necessarily have to be the missions of the company, if you have a personal mission statement of your purpose and intention, you want to help the world, and you wanna do that with their company. You want to be a great team player. You want to be a great asset to their company. With a daily mission statement or a grander personal mission statement, that makes you an attractive candidate. The third one, which you just said, was contagious confidence, and this works amazing on phone and Skype as well. If you have a phone interview, or a Skype interview, having that power body language while you're talking on the phone translates to our voice. I want to add a little bit on harnessing confidence here, a harness confidence plus. Dr. Kelly McGonigal shared a fascinating story in her TED Talk about stress, and when you ask people what stresses you out the most, a big interview or a big pitch meeting is usually at the top of their list. She wanted to know is stress bad for you. You're stressed before the interview, does that actually work against us? She followed people's stress levels for eight years. She tracked people, she said how stressed are you, how do you feel about stress, and she tracked their stress levels for eight years. They found that stress did not predict death in those eight years. Actually, the belief that stress was bad predicted death. So the people in that study who believed stress was bad for them had a higher chance of dying. It wasn't the people who actually had more stress. Stress helps us perform. Our physiological response of stress, deep breathing, faster heart rate, sweat, that cools us down, brings oxygen to our brain, and gets us thinking faster by getting our blood pumping. Our stress response actually helps us perform, especially with contagious confidence because you get that testosterone combined with that elevated oxygen and heart rate level, you are able to think more quickly. They also found that when we are stressed, oxytocin is released in our blood stream. Oxytocin repairs heart muscles, so our body knows we might have a little bit of damage, we might be in intense situations, and it releases the exact chemical that we need to repair. Our body works for us. So I want you to focus your nerves into determination. You're feeling really stressed before a meeting, like fearvana, don't be like no, don't feel stressed, don't feel stressed, no. Harness the confidence that you have and know that your stress works for you. Your stress gives you the physiological response that you need to perform well, so it's a mentality shift on our stress. A couple really quick science-based interview tips that I love. Science has found interviews earlier in the day always go better. It's a very, very easy to see pattern. Study, the first few minutes matter the most. So think about, you're gonna prepare for a meeting or ace an interview, those first few moments, you're first killer conversation-starter, or even your first handshake and hello, which we're gonna talk about in the next segment, is more important than the last few minutes. Handshake, start on a high and master questioner. Starting on a high in your interview is actually more important than doing that at a networking event. Walking in and being like, wow, it's beautiful weather today; oh, this office is lovely, right, starting off on a high right off the bat. And this works online as well, the digital handshake. So even in a video interview, greeting the person just like you're walking into their office, "Hey, nice to meet you." Even seeing the palm of our hand, we learn this Power Body Language course, showing the palm of our hand is a very transparent non-verbal behavior. So even in the digital world, showing that handshake, that's the best handshake you can do. Two, mastering public speaking. If you had to do public speaking, what are the skills that you would like to use, what would be the PQ skills that you would pull out of your arsenal?
Starting with fire pose and fearvana. Love it, love it, harnessing those nerves. Here are the ones that I chose, triggering dopamine, and here's why that's so important. I'll give you a little trigger dopamine plus specifically for public speaking if you speak in front of large groups. John Antonakis did the most comprehensive and amazing study of public speeches. He examined hundreds of historical speeches looking for patterns, looking to see what's the difference between successful speeches and the unsuccessful speeches, and here's what he found. What makes a good speech, first, asking rhetorical questions, so this is kind of a flip side of being a master questioner, but the most successful and effective speakers ask questions from stage. The questions that get people thinking about things, that was the very first thing that he found in successful public speeches. Second, they use more metaphors and this is aside of telling stories. A metaphor is kind of like a shortened version of a story. So telling stories is actually the third thing that he found, which we know from # harvesting stories, we know exactly why that works. It triggers dopamine in our audience and it sinks up the audience and the speaker. Triggering dopamine, harvesting stories, and I want to add two more here: #13, embracing imperfections, remember to be a perfect speaker, you don't need to be perfect. Admitting vulnerabilities, showing you're human, that's what makes you memorable; and lastly, being non-verbally attuned. So I want to share some science on the importance of non-verbal behavior in public speaking. Here's my non-verbally attuned plus. I love this study. Study. They wanted to know how can you make a grand entrance, so here's what they did. They showed participants clips of violinists and they showed them one video of the violinist at the very end of the stage taking the stage, hello, stopped the clip. Then they showed a second group of participants the stage entrance, hello, nice to meet you, and just the first note on their violin. In the third trial, they had them do, hello, nice to meet you, first note, and the entire performance, and they asked them to rate all three clips. Here's what they found. It wasn't clothing. It wasn't attractiveness. It wasn't even the quality of playing that predicted which violinist go the highest ratings. Before playing mattered more than anything. Nodding at the audience as they took the stage, eye contact with the audience as they took the stage, and a confident walk and playing in power pose. The ratings had nothing to do with the actual playing of the performance; they were the same across. People who just saw the violinist take the stage before even a note was played had the same ratings as the people who watched the entire performance, which shows us that after a certain level, now these are all professional violinists, right, so we know their quality of playing is quite high, but actually we make our first impression about how much we like someone based on those first few seconds. I use this all the time when I'm doing public speaking. The importance of coming up on stage and acknowledging the audience, hi, nice to see you, and smiling, and then standing in a power pose, you've set your first impression. Everything that you say next is already on a high. You've already leveled up just by doing that, which I think is incredibly powerful. Doesn't even matter what you say or how awesome you're speech is, just that sets you on a really high bar. You've set a great first impression. The other study is by Allan Pease. Allan Pease looked at non-verbal behavior with public speaking and he specifically pointed out the difference between the palm-up gesture: check out my slide, I want to tell you something; the palm-down gesture, let me show you this slide, let me tell you something; and the pointing gesture; look at this slide, let me tell you something. Three different non-verbal gestures. What he found is that when you can do these right, you tie them to your content. Palm-up gestures is the most open gesture. It shows that you are open-minded. It's suggesting content to the audience. It's the softest of the gestures. It's the least irritating of the gestures. Palm-down gesture should only be used when you're giving authoritative or commanding directions. It's a very harsh gesture. I'm telling you what to do. You're like whoo, right, it's serious. When you're giving directions, like if you're telling everyone there's a fire, you've gotta leave, get out, you want to use that palm-down gesture, but be very careful 'cause it's incredibly demeaning for the audience when you do this to someone. The last one is pointing. It's the most direct, but it's also the most grating or irritating. I get in the habit of pointing at my slides and I'm working very hard on using the open-palm gesture because it's very irritating. The only time you should ever point is when you have a very specific point to make and you want to use it less 'cause it's very irritating on the audience. So a couple really quick tips for you on public speaking a non-verbally attuned plus. I'm excited about this so we are doing our first original research at the science of people. What we've done is we've taken TED Talks and we've had people rate those TED Talks on silent, we've had them rate them for the first seven seconds, and we've had them rate the entire talk on silent to see if there were patterns. We also looked at the top TED Talks and the bottom TED Talks to see what were the non-verbal patterns, and we found there are three different non-verbal patterns very clearly between the top TED Talks and the bottom TED Talks, and I'm excited we haven't published this research yet. This is the first time I'm talking about it. But what makes a good TED Talk? The most popular TED Talks use more hand gesture. For example, in Jamie Oliver's TED Talk, he used over 471 gestured, 471 hand gestures. Literally, every point, he is doing all these crazy things with his hands and the lowest TED Talk, one of them actually had three, three hand gestures in a 20-minute talk. There is a direct correlation between more hand gestures and more ratings. Second, smiling, the length of smiling in a talk, even when it was a serious talk. We watched very serious talks on genocide and gender inequality, even when they were able to make a couple of comments and lighten up and smile, there was a direct correlation between competence and smiling, which is a very surprising connection. Lastly, vocal variety. Vocal variety was a great predictor of charisma. The speakers that got the most charismatic ratings had the most vocal variety, and the easiest way to show vocal variety is with stories. Stories, pacing, that brings out our true emotion. It's a wonderful way to bring up true vocal variety and true passion. Third, cold contacting. Emails, LinkedIn, calling, what skills would you use if you had to cold pitch or cold call? What would you pull out of your arsenal? No right or wrong answer, don't worry. Surprise people? Surprise people, yeah. Get them out of their default thinking, yeah, Mike, yeah? You told us about story telling. I wouldn't know, but (laughing). Yes, yes, I love it. Yes, you (mumbles) and I love it. I actually, on the first one, is to be a highlighter, when you are cold calling, the best thing u can do is start on a high, start your first impression on a high; authentic compliments; and the offer mentality is the best way to get the attention of a VIP. #4, purpose and intention. I want to show you an email that gives us as an example. Here is the email. Actually, I got this email. I got ones that are very similar all the time. This is okay. "I'm a big fan of your work on science-based people skills. "I would love to work with you. "I'm in marketing. "Let me know how I can help you." That was an okay email, but the problem with this email is it lacks purpose and intention. I'm sure I do need help with my marketing, but I don't know what you want and I don't know where you can take me. I don't know what your skills are. Let me show you how you could fix this email to have purpose and intention, and how much more powerful it makes this cold contact. "Hey, Vanessa! "I have been reading your blog for awhile and love it, "especially the science of flirting post you just did." Actually, it's an email I got a few days ago. This is a very specific call-out on a high, an authentic compliment. A big fan of your work, it's so vague. You don't know if it's actually true or not. This is a very specific positive, authentic compliment. "I would love to partner with you." The intention here is partnership. "To build your social media marketing. "I know I can help you get more followers and likes." That's a very specific thing. This email, even though it's not as broad, it's actually easier for me to answer. I know your purpose and intention, I believe your authentic compliment, and I can reply directly back. I do or don't need social media help or yeah, I would love Twitter help, but not Facebook help. It helps me focus the interaction so I don't have to do the work for you. Cold email and cold contacting is taking the work out of their reply. Lastly, "Could we do a call "where we can discuss your website goals?" A great action step with purpose, right? The intention of this email is to setup a website goal call and that's also an offer. Next, finding their value. VIPs, cold contacts, people you are trying to reach, if you can tap into their value and their motivation, you know you are communicating directly to their core. I want to actually practice this, practice finding their value, purpose and intention. I want you to turn to your partner. Think about someone you really, really wanna reach. How would you use these three skills either in a call, an email, or even a Tweet to reach out to them? We can bring two people on stage to talk about this. Who hasn't been up in awhile, Lac, Maggie, you guys wanna come on up? Turn to your partner and think about how could, even if you use one of these, how would you use it in a cold contact at home. I want you to script out a potential way, an email or a Tweet, that you could use all three of these to a VIP you want to contact, yeah? Can you go through where #19, was 19 in the email that you just showed? Yeah, sorry, yeah, let me bring that back. The value is here, so not, in one in the same. It's an offer. It's also I want to tap into your value. Discuss your website goals, 'cause this person doesn't know, do I want fame, do I want a lot of people, is it about money, do I need to make money, is it about power, do I want to have the best blog on the internet? Without having to guess, they can say, if I got it wrong, right here, if this isn't right, tell me what is right so I can tap into your value language. Thanks for clarifying that, yeah? Sorry, come on up. I did not mean to send you back to your seats. Alright, come on up right here. You can turn to your partner and go ahead and start. So who is someone you want to reach? Perspective client that is totally in alignment with what I want to be doing. Alright, so how can you be a highlighter? Give me, make a nickname for him. Tim. Tim, okay. So what's a great highlight you can start with? He just did a launch that was super successful and really interesting and is trying new and different things that I would like to be a part of. Ooh, I like that, that actually ties in two. A super successful launch and he's trying different and interesting things, right? So you could start with, how would you start with, just that exact thing you just said? Hey, Tim. Hey, Tim, congrats on your launch. Specific name, I'd give it a specific name. Congrats on your blank product launch, always going to be specific, yeah? Right, congrats on your launch. Exactly what you said to me, I love that you're? Trying new things. Okay, I love that you're trying new things. Your products are so different and awesome, right? Yes. Purpose and intention, what's your purpose and intention? What do you want from him? What do you want to offer him? I would love to be a part of those new parts of his business and offerings. Okay, so how would you say that? I would ask him how I can help him. I would love to help you, your intention, and then I would list two or three specific things you would help with. Oh, I would love to help you with strategy on your next launch. Yeah. And implementing, actually making it happen. Which you would hope taps into their value, but what's the end? I want to make sure that aligns with you. How could you end it? How do I, jump on a call, something like that? Yeah, exactly, so would you jump on a call? Would it be another email? What would work for you? It would be a call. Call. Yeah. I would love to hop on a call to? To chat more about working together. And your goal? About how I can help you and your goals. Offer, purpose, and intention. Yeah. Love it. That's your script. Okay. Yeah, that's your script. Okay. Maggie, so who is your VIP's, your cold contact? Ooh, could it be somebody that's just reached out to me, Of course! like, just inquiring 'cause they're, okay-- I want this client, yeah. Okay, so that just happened today. I just got an email and someone's interested. I usually, I would respond that the event that they're having is at a cool location, so I would say-- Start on a high. Highlighter. I usually do that, I say this menu's awesome. I've worked there before, great choice. Love it, done, purpose and intention. This is an easy one 'cause they want to hire you, so that's good. Ah, so it would be my purpose? Your purpose for working with them. What would be your ideal way to work with them? Interesting, I don't know the answer to that. If they were to hire you in your dream scenario, would it be doing their engagement photos and their wedding? Yeah, okay, yeah, so can I, I would love to meet you soon. We can talk more about your day and-- Perfect, so that's tying in both. You want to meet, so offer, you want to meet soon. You want to figure out what the specific needs are for your event, or how I can best meet your needs. I would love to help you with Your engagement, your wedding. And any other needs you have, (mumbles) working with you. Yeah. Right, so you tie in and you tap into their needs. You say your purpose and intention and that way that response, I'd be like, "Alright, she's on it." Cool. "Alright, she tapped it." Cool. Thank you, ladies. Yes, cool! Alright, how'd that go? Did you feel like you had some scripts, you explored some new ways to reach out to your cold contact? Yeah, that was really cool, so we talked about actual scripts that we can use for email, and Maggie had a question about what if it's a client that already contacted me and I really want to work with them, this works just the same way in replying back to them. #5, delivering bad news. This is the kind of a blech one we all have to do it sometimes. Here are the skills that we gotta do: enter fearvana, know that by delivering bad news, you might be causing them anxiety and it also might cause you anxiety, especially if you don't like confrontation. Notice, recognize, and reframe. Alright, my low-road has kicked in if you do not like confrontation. I do not like confrontation os when I get into that situation where I have to deliver bad news, I enter fearvana, and know I'm kicking their fearvana as well. Next, the platinum rule, so it's not necessarily how you would like to receive bad news. It's thinking about what their personality type, what their personality matrix, what would make them feel most supportive in how they want to hear bad news. Is it a one-on-one meeting? Is it maybe writing them and them let them see it first and then following up with a phone call? It is doing it with multiple people so they feel like they have a support system? What is the best way for them based on their personality type? And 13, embracing imperfections, that we all make mistakes. This does not make you less of a person. This does not make you less than or not worthy. I want to give you a specific technique to help with delivering bad news and it's called The Poop Sandwich Method. (laughing) Did I have to make that brown? Was that really necessary, probably not, but I did anyway. Here's The Poop Sandwich Method. First, bread: authentic support, advice, encouragement, and positivity. This is how you start, before you deliver bad news. The poopy part, that's the bad news. Then you end with bread, future hope, positive outlook, next steps. This is the real easy way to break down, break in bad news. Special note, the poop sandwich garnish, this is so gross, but I hope that it will make it more memorable for you, a little bit of surprise today, is a bd review delivered with a warm and compassionate tone leaves the person feeling positive. So delivering the bad news with authenticity, harnessing your inner agreeableness, whether it's high or low, and showing that you feel them, that why enter fearvana was one of the first things I talked about, delivering with warm, compassionate authenticity helps them actually not leave feeling bad. Just that can change the way they will receive your message. Let's practice. Here's a little example. You didn't make the team, rough news. Bread, you have improved so much from last year's tryouts, but I'm sorry to say we can't put you on the team this year. I'd love to offer you a spot on the JV team. That's a really simple way to do that poop sandwich. Let's practice. That dress does not look good on you. That's what you could say, but what's a better way to say it? I want to think about what The Poop Sandwich Method. Who's brave enough to try this? Yeah, Michael, yeah, tell me. You've lost so much weight over the past two months. Unfortunately, the dress still doesn't look good on you, but if you keep this up for two more months, I think it will work. (laughing) That was close. (laughing) That was close. Yeah, Maggie? Help Michael out a little bit. Take a stab at it? Yeah, take a stab at it. Okay, so I'm saying something like, wow, that is a wild dress, a brave choice. I don't think it's the right one, but maybe we should go back to the red one you tried on. Ooh, I love it, that's very close to what I had. I love the color on you, but I don't love that style. I think I saw a top in that exact color you have to try on. Michael, thank you for taking a stab at that. You were really close. (laughing) Let's try it again, I can't give you the job. You can't partner with someone, you can't hire someone. What's a way that you could say this with The Poop Sandwich Method? Bread, poop, bread. Yeah? You have so many great skills, but I don't think this job is the right fit for you, but I know that your skills in XYZ are really in demand right now, and I'm confident you're gonna find a position that's a better fit. Yeah, love it, that's a great way to deliver it and a very warm, empathetic, and compassionate tone. That was awesome. So here's what I said, very similar. I loved your passion and enthusiasm for the position, but I'm sorry to say we don't think you would be fit this year. Please do reapply for a future position on the HR team. That's another way of saying the same thing. Exactly. Six, we're flying through these, how to negotiate. What are my favorite skills for negotiation? #3, take control. We learned about take control in segment two, about deciding who you want to negotiate with and what it's for. We forget that if we're gonna go into negotiation with someone, we want to make sure that they're a nourishing person, that it's in the right place for us. Negotiations are tough, so the more that you can take control of the time, the location, and who it's with, the more in control you're gonna feel. #12, have an experimental mindset. Negotiation goes differently every time, but going into it saying, "You know what, "I'm gonna try this, I'm gonna try a couple different "verbal methods, I'm gonna try a couple different "non-verbal methods, and we're going to "find a way to get to the solution." Harness that Nancy Drew of relationships. Get that Christopher Columbus to endeavor to discover, to have an experimental mindset. #20, be a people ninja. When you're preparing for negotiation, the best way that you can prepare for it is to harness your inner ninja. In whatever comes my way, whether I need to do the personality matrix and speed-read someone or I need to find a value, I'll be ready for it. A little bit extra on the negotiation mindset, some of the science that I love on negotiations: when asked to pick a metaphor for negotiating, men pick playing a ball game, and women pick going to the dentist. SO our mentalities on negotiation can be a little bit different and I just want to highlight one of the differences between the sexes here, that men have a more experimental mindset typically built-in. They think of it like, yeah, let's experiment and play a game. Women tend to see this as a necessary evil. So I want you to try to harness that experimental mindset mentality because oftentimes, men negotiate for much higher salaries at much higher rates than women because they have a different mindset. Last one is calming someone down: enter fearvana, understand low-road anxiety, how their fear is cross-dressing; the platinum rule, how do they want to be treated; and lastly, using the personality matrix. There's a special technique I want to teach you for calming someone down, and it's called The Nut Job. The Nut Job is a really easy technique, and remember that you are gonna have this at your workstation. This is your people encyclopedia, so if you all of a sudden find yourself in a situation, you can refer to this or just remember, ah, it's The Nut Job, right? If it's a little bit crazy, it's a little bit nutty. I have to use The Nut Job. This is a technique that's actually used by hostage negotiators. They use this technique when they're talking to people who are totally freaked out, who have kept hostages, and this is what they do to calm them down. What this does is it makes people feel heard, it shows that you care, and it also gets them into solution-mode. Oftentimes when someone's freaking out, you have to move them from high emotions and fearvana into solution-mode and this is exactly how I want you to do it. First, N, name the feeling. This is kind of a funny thing to do and we're gonna practice it. Naming the feeling, making someone feel heard. I'll be you feel, let's say it's angry, okay? I bet you feel really angry. How angry does this make you feel? I bet this is really outraging to you. Naming the exact feeling that they are feeling is a great way to tap into them to show them I hear you. The Nut Job is kinda like a step-up or a level-up from The Rock Technique, a little bit. It's like taking it to the very next level. When someone's in overwhelm, they cannot identify their own emotion, but when someone does it for them, they're like, yeah, I do feel really angry, or I do feel really sad. If you're not sure what they're feeling, you can use these three words: upset, overwhelmed, or aggravated, can also use confused if you want to as well if you don't know the feeling. If you say to someone are you feeling upset, or I bet you're feeling upset, or you seem upset, that triggers them to define that upset for you, to say yeah, I think I'm just really angry and stressed. Ah, now you know, angry and stressed. Hey, how angry and stressed are you? Tell me about that anger and stress. Step two, understand the feeling. Get the depth of the feeling. You've named it, you've identified it either with them or for them. Tell me what happened that made you feel this angry. The reason you're so angry is because? What caused this anger for you? And I want you to stay here, you, for as long as needed. When people are upset, they will keep going until they feel heard and validated. Not rushing them out of this feeling is the only way that you can get them into solution mode. They will not go into solution mode until they have (sigh) let it all out. They're understood, you care, they know that you're there for them, and that's when you can finally go into T, which is transform the feeling, very similar to fearvana. We're just taking it a step up. Now, how can I help you? What needs to happen for you to feel better about this? What role can I play in making this better? What role can you play? These are the most powerful questions you can ask. This is what hostage negotiators use. They use this exact script that I just taught you. That now matter how upset someone is, when you can name it, show that you understand it, let them vent, and then transform it, that's how they're able to move from upset and overwhelmed to explanation and solution mode. Let's practice it. Example: you're partner is angry at a friend. They come home and they're like grr, I'm so angry at this friend. Name: I'll bet you feel really angry about that, that sucks. Yes, I feel so angry, I can't believe she did that to me. What made you feel so angry? She canceled on me last minute, I just don't feel like I'm getting enough from the friendship. Keep telling me how did that feel? Why did that make you so angry? Has this made you angry for a long time? Finally you hear that final relief breath. (sigh) I know it just sucks. How can I help you feel better? What can I do to support you? How can I help you? This is how it works in action. Now, with a partner, it might be a little bit longer than that, right? It might be a little bit more drawn out, but this is the basic structure of that feeling. So let's practice. I'm gonna give you a situation. I want you to turn to your partner. I want you to try it. Who hasn't been on stage? Joshua and Ally, you guys haven't been up in awhile. Do you want to come up and join me? So here is the situation that you have. I want you to turn to your partner and practice it. Your client is about, and I want you to tell your partner what typically someone at your work, a colleague, or a client is upset about. At home, I want you to write what is someone in your business environment typically upset about and how can you use The Nut Technique with them. Alright, so come on up, yes. When are people typically upset in your school or work environment? I would say where I work, it would be, oh, I actually had a incident and that happened recently, and it was 'cause there was a shift change so when I'm at the grill, there has to be certain stuff that needs to be made for me to have a good shift, and there's times where a guy, he will cook, and then just leave it right on, and I'm like, are you serious, like, I'm stressing out now. And I actually had a talk with him, but yeah, that's basically one of the stresses that happened. Okay, so I want you to be. Actually, you actually have to be the one who's upset, right, because you're the one stressed and upset, so I want you to be Joshua, actually. You're stressed and upset. How would you calm you down using The Nut Technique? So you're really stressed and upset because nothing has been prepared. (growling) Oh, yeah, that's good. How am I supposed to get these orders out if stuff isn't ready? Name the feeling. I see you're really stressed out about-- Of course I'm upset! It's my meals on the line! Explore that stress. What's wrong, like, why are you feeling so upset? The manager is gonna be on me and it's not even my fault. It's the guy behind me, he didn't get his job done. It's my, on the line. Does this happen all the time? Yes, this happens all the time. He's completely unreliable and the manager always thinks it's me 'cause he's scary and I'm easy to yell at. So you're saying that-- Perfect, yeah. I see this kinda is more one-sided in a way where that you feel like you're not getting the appreciation that you need and help-- (sigh) Ah, you heard it, you named it, yeah. Yes, and I need this job, I've got bills. Yeah, of course. You're ready, you're ready. Is there anything I can do to help you out or is there anyway I can help you? (sigh) You know, it was just really enough to get it out. Just being emotionally supportive. That was really good, guys. (talking over each other) Alright! (talking over each other) So, in the moment, by the way, if you feel yourself getting anxious, here's a little bit of a special note for you. One thing you can do is you can act as if your Mom is watching. If you feel yourself starting to get angry and upset as well, thing is you can channel and be like, what if my Mom was watching. You can also channel a really patient, awesome friend. If you are alone in agreeableness and you're like, oh, my God, how do I be empathetic, just channeling a friend they've found has helped us put us into their mindset, so my friend Barri is one of the most patient, empathetic people I know, and when I'm around someone who's really upset or angry, I'll be like, what would Barri do in this situation? What would Barri say in this situation? I channel her a little special note. Alright, here's what's coming up. Tomorrow we're learning the Wow Formula. This is how to wow anyone, anytime, anywhere; how to own the room; and networking for awkward people, and believe me, I know how to network 'cause I'm an awkward person and I've had to own at networking. Then we're gonna talk about the psychology of attraction. We are finally going into our love section. This is if you're single or in a relationship, if you're married or you're just dating, how to explore the three secrets to attraction, the seven attraction murderers, that was really strong, but I wanted to make it strong, and the science of men versus women, some of the differences between the sexes. Here's my challenge for today. I want you to do three more skills. We learned about your Skills Worksheet today. I want you to move down that list, try some low-pressure practice. Try practicing with a third party. I want you to check off three more skills on your own, with a partner, and low-pressure. We're ready for the most important thing you learned today. JKO, come join me. Today, we put a lot of stuff together. We went through a lot of things. What was your aha moment? What was your favorite thing that you learned at home? I want you to tell me on Twitter @divaedwards or #peopleskills. Yeah, Erica? I love your help with public speaking. I think that I'll be in fearvana less to know some of these, and I'm just astounded at the study with the power pose and walking out and nodding. That is really huge for me. It's gonna help my stress level. Even just taking the stage, taking it well. You've done it. You've make that solid first impression, yeah. Two more, most important thing you learned, yeah, Lacy? I tend to be too wordy, like I have to explain myself, and then it just all gets lost, so the biggest thing is to be more direct and that just by being short and sweet doesn't mean you're being mean or rude. It still can be conveyed and you can still be kind. Yeah, that warm and empathetic tone, absolutely. One more aha moment, yeah? I loved the part about talking about finding the value and then catering to that in terms of emotion, kind of putting those two together. I think you can connect with pretty much anybody. And the people skills layer like that. We're gonna start to see all these ties between them. But I hope that you're going to join us for our next segment. We will see you then. (applause)