How to Get Along with Anyone
(audience applauds) We're here, guys, we're at Human Vampires. I know that we've been talking about this throughout the course. I feel like it comes up in every segment because human vampires are in every area of our life. We're at Day 25, Human Vampires. My three goals for today. I wanna show you how to prevent toxicity, how to spot the four types of difficult people, and then how to deal with them, how to get along with anyone. But, of course, first we have a warm-up and the warm-up is about something called the Naricissism Personality Index. So this was created by Robert Raskin who wanted to study narcissists and we're gonna learn that one of the difficult people is a narcissist and so I thought I would talk about this index. It is 40 questions long. Here's what's crazy. From 1979, when it was first created, to 2006, the average score has jumped 30%. So as a society, we are getting more narcissists in general so we are seeing that personality type more and more often. That's somethi...
ng for us to really be aware of. The interesting thing about narcissists is they can typically self-identify. I know this is surprising, but if you directly ask someone in a safe space or in a workbook, "Are you a narcissist?" usually narcissists can tell you that they are. They might not admit it out loud, but they know that they are a narcissist. I thought I would pull three questions from the narcissist personality index. You do not need to answer them out loud, okay? (laughing) There's no narcissists here, so we're good, but in your workbook, I want you to journal a little bit about if any of these questions might resonate with you. Do you sometimes feel like you're the most important person in the room? Yes or no. Do you often fantasize about the inevitable success, power, beauty, (laughs). People are laughing. Power, beauty, and romance that will enter your life. Are you happiest when all eyes are on you and you're receiving praise? The reason that I start with this, a couple of these questions is because at the end, we're going to talk about what if you're the difficult person, and on our worst days, we all can be difficult. All of us are one of those four difficult people on our worst days and our worst mood. And so I want you to do a little bit of self-exploration in your safe space, in your workbook, about maybe if that narcissist one is you. I wanna show a couple of the answers that Dr. Drew Pinsky did with the Narcissist Personality Index. So Dr. Drew Pinsky was on Loveline for a long time and what he did, which is fascinating, is every celebrity, every guest that came on Loveline, he made them take the NPI. He made them take the personality index because he wanted to know before they got on the call how much of a narcissist were they. He also did it for his own data. So he had male film stars, male TV stars, female film stars, female TV stars, male musicians, female musicians. I want you to guess, there was a category that was so much higher than every other category, that he realized that that somehow attracted or bred the biggest narcissists. I want us to guess. What do we think? Of these categories, who had the highest narcissist ratings? Just guess, does anyone think it's male film stars? Male TV stars, got a couple hands. Female film stars. Female TV stars. Male musicians. Female musicians. You guys are gonna be shocked. Are you ready? Most people guessed male musicians. Male musicians are the lowest. They score the lowest. They have the most insecurities, the most anxieties, they feel like they don't deserve their success the most. The highest by far was female TV stars, especially female reality TV stars. The highest by far on narcissists. That was just our warm-up, guys, okay. This quote, "Some people like to build sand castles "and some people like to tear them apart." And today we're talking about those people who like to tear them apart. First, I want to just talk about your interaction bill of rights. You have certain rights when you interact with people and you have to know them. You deserve to be treated with respect, to say no without feeling guilty, to set your priorities, to healthy relationships, to create a happy life, to have fulfilling connections. You do not have to deal with difficult people. It is in your interaction rights to deal with people who fulfill you. We have to remember about them is they also have rights. Remember that fear is a cross-dresser. Fear often comes out as other things. Most difficult people are covering up, hiding from, or ignoring their low-road fear. That's what makes them prickly. That's what makes them difficult, is because they have a fear that they are not addressing, that they are covering up or hiding. They have a set of bill of rights, too, difficult people. They're allowed to have their low-road fear, their insecurity, their gremlins. They're allowed to avoidant, anxious, and they're allowed to have their self-narratives, as long as our boundaries are being protected. They're allowed to experience their fear. So now it's time to talk about the four different types of difficult people. First, downers. Downers, also known as Negative Nancies, no-people, or Debbie Downers. They complain, they critique, they judge. They always have something negative to say. The difficulty is that they're almost impossible to please. Anything you do, everything you do, there's something wrong with it. It's not acceptable, it's not enough. Their fear is that they are going to be rejected first. Now there are many fears that could come up, but oftentimes downers, they criticize because they're worried that you're gonna criticize them. They feel like, well, if I criticize everyone else first, then I'll be out there and they won't have to criticize me. I won't have to hear it. I'm the one who said no first. It's like ending a break-up when you think the other person's gonna break up with you, kinda the same kinda thing. On the personality matrix, downers typically fall low agreeableness, low openness, high neurotic. Again, all of us on our worst day, are one of these four types and that's okay. That is okay. That's a way that our fear dresses up. So I wanna talk about, what is it like to be in a relationship with a downer? Professional, personal, social, what does it feel like? Yeah? It feels frustrating and awful. I used to work with a woman who complained all the time and I used to try and point out the bright side and try and like fix things until she yelled at me, and I realized she actually just loves to complain, like she just loved to hang out in that space. Mm-hmm, that was her comfort zone. Yeah. Frustrating. You said frustrating. Absolutely. You try everything and it is impossible to please them. There's nothing you can do. Maggie? Well, it's really stagnant, like you just can't ever move forward. Yeah, Stacy did something when she talked about Dayton, Ohio, in one of those videos and she was like, "Ugh, it just feels like it puts you like--" and she was talking about this. It's like stagnant, keeps you down, absolutely. Terry, did you raise your hand? I wasn't sure. Someone else have something about what it's like to be, yeah? I worked with someone who was a downer and he had a counterpart and they both did the same role and everyone went to the other guy for help and so he was way overloaded because no one wanted to work with the downer because it was so difficult to do. So what's interesting about that is you are identifying a negative feedback loop. So probably what happened is he was a little difficult. And he was showing microinequities. People did not want to work with him. They also felt it frustrating to work with him. So they didn't work with him, which made him even more difficult because he was going, "Does no one like me? "Does no one respect me? "Does no one want me?" And that made him go into even more fear mode, which made him get even worse. Right, it's like this really, really bad cycle that happens which is one of the reasons why microinequities are so important. Li, did you have your hand raised? Yeah, I was just gonna say that downers bring other people down around them. And we learned why that happens. Emotions are contagious. That negativity, it bleeds. It's like that bad apple saying, that one bad apple can poison a whole group. Let's move on to the next one 'cause then we're gonna talk about how to deal with them at the very end. We're gonna learn all four and then we're gonna talk about how to deal with them. One-uppers, also known as better-thans, show-offs, or know-it-alls. Their habits is they want to impress you, they wanna namedrop and they wanna compare. Oh, you're stressed? I'm even more stressed. You're awesome? I'm even more awesome. Their difficulty is narcissism, so narcissists typically fall in this one-upper category where they're always better than, they're always superior. Typically the underlying fear is that they're afraid they're going to be forgotten, ignored, or undervalued. So they show off because they want the attention. They're worried that if they don't show off, people won't like them. Most one-uppers actually think that they're not being a show-off. They think that they're actually trying to impress you and being likable. They think that's a part of their likability and their charisma. They don't realize that what they're doing is actually putting you down or not validating you. I don't wanna hear your story, I'm just gonna tell you mine. On the personality matrix, high openness and high extroversion. The reason for this is because high openness, sometimes they wanna show off all the things they've done. They think it's super impressive. They have this great, oh look at all my adventures I've done so they trump your stories with their stories or they trump their facts. Sometimes high extraversion with their directness. So they wanna be the life of the party. They don't wanna be forgotten, so they feel like they have to razzle dazzle everyone all the time. They always have to be on. What is it like to be in relationship with a one-upper? What does that feel like? Yeah, Joshua? I know a guy like that and he has a lot of energy and I love it. High extrovert? Yeah, he's really energetic and just happy, but every time it comes to me and my friend talking one on one, having a story, he'll jump in and be like, "Oh, what are you guys talking about?" and we say, "Oh, this and that," and he's like, "Well, this is what I did," and then he'll tell a story for a long time and wouldn't stop. And I would be like, come on. (laughing) Don't try to up us all the time, just enjoy the conversation. Yeah, and he can't. He can't 'cause he's so afraid that his story's not going to be good enough. Yeah?
I think with one-uppers, it's hard when their needs aren't being met and then they get a little nasty. And it's like, "You don't know who I am. "You don't know who you're dealing with." They start making threats. Yeah, they default into superiority. But I'm important. I'm important. Do you know how important I am? Yeah, they default into superiority 'cause they're so afraid, they can't say, "I need help with this" or "I am anxious." No, the flip side is where they go. Anyone else? What is it like to be with a one-upper, yeah? Yeah, I know someone and what they're going to be doing is that every vacation they go, whatever they go, they have to take tons and tons of selfies with like random people. (laughing) Pretty girls. High open, lots of people. I mean, high open and little videos of himself, "Look, this is what I'm doing now, "this is what I'm doing now, "this is what I'm doing now." (laughing) And it is all about, "Hey, everyone, look at me, "me, me, me, me." I mean, that's all it is. In our discussion, anything, any topic, you just cannot win. Yeah, and there's no space for anything else but them and typically because they're so full of good and bad. I have someone in mind whose name I won't mention. Non, you can call them a non. Non, there is a non in my world who is definitely a show off and one-upper, but I would say they are super low open because their mode is they know everything, but in order to pull that off, they sort of keep their world narrow and anything that's not in that world is unimportant. Okay, so let's add an asterisk to that because I actually know people like that as well, where they're like, "This is it, this is all I know, "this is all I care about. "Anything else is unimportant." So you're right about that, absolutely. So let's add there's two different types. Really low open and really high open, tendencies. I like that correction. I'm thinking of a specific person. (laughing) When you said that I was like, I know this person. I know the person you're talking about. Passives, also known as pushovers, yes people, and weaklings. Habits, they pull back and they hold back. They're afraid to share. Their difficulty is they're invisible, they're forgotten, they're non-contributors. People don't always like to have them around because they feel like, uh, they don't care. They're apathetic, they don't contribute much. The fear is that they are going to be criticized. The reason they hold back and pull back, they don't contribute is 'cause they're afraid that if they do, they'll be rejected, and they'd rather be forgotten than criticized. Personality matrix, typically, tendencies only, low extraversion, low openness, high neuroticism. High neurotics are afraid they're going to be criticized. They're very sensitive to other people's emotions and they worry about every possibility, so they might hold back for that. Low open is they don't want to try anything new. It scares them a little bit. Low extraversion, they're inhibited, they're a little bit more reserved. They wanna take it in first and that makes them seem passive. What is it like to be in relationship with a passive? Yes? Really difficult because you never-- like, they'll ask you for something, but then they won't give you any context for how or why or when. And then you don't know how to do whatever it is that they're asking you to do because there's no context, really. That is exactly how I feel in relationship with my passives because what happens is they come and I don't know what they want from them, so I feel like I'm pulling teeth. I'm like, "How are you? "How are you really?" I'm like using all my conversation starters. I'm like, "Tell me anything!" And so then I start to get internal. I'm like, "Am I doing something wrong? "Do they not like me?" Right, so it's this very bad feedback loop where they're not giving 'cause they're afraid and then I start to become afraid because I feel like I'm not giving either, or I'm not giving the right thing or I'm not giving enough. Yes, I resonate with that. Yes? One of my risers is actually a passive.
Wow, okay, so what does that mean? And she's much more passive with other people than she is with me. So I think that's why we do have a connection is because she's very protective of her trust, but she's given it to me. But it feels very strange sometimes because we have things in common, but I'll go out and do other things and she won't or if she comes with me, like she's the invisible, forgettable, non-contributor, pulling back person. So it's sort of a weird balance sometimes because I really love her and I do want her to be a riser.
Yeah, and you want to include her, but-- But at the same time (laughs), yeah. First of all, it's a great gift that with you, she's less passive. That shows you that there is hope for that relationship. Right, that the more comfortable she can be around someone, the better she is, and we're gonna talk about what to do around passives next after I get to my last one. Anyone else have passives, what it's like in relationship? Yeah? I had an interesting one with a mother-in-law. I just know it feels like so much work. You were saying it from the stage where it's just like, "How can I fix it? "How can I help?" and you're just always giving and I would always try to plan the day, give everything I possibly could to her, "Oh, I'm not sure," but then at the end, it would come back like, "I didn't like any of that." Oh, gosh. So it's like never satisfiable. Passive and negative. What do you think the fear was for her? I think you had it here, like being criticized. Being criticized. So not afraid to say what she wanted even though that's actually what she wanted. She just held back. Okay, we're gonna get to what to do, but first, let's talk about tanks. Tanks, also known as explosive, bossy, what a handful, that's usually what it is, drama queen. Their habits are they're over the top, overly emotional, and sometimes they can have anger issues. They explode at you. Difficulty, they're seen as dramatic, overly reactive, and they're very unpredictable. You never quite know what you're gonna get. You never know what kind of mood that they're in. They tend to feel their moods very extremely. Fear, they have a couple fears here, but being boring. I've talked to a couple different tanks in those moments of openness, and there's this fear of being boring or being forgotten slash they have just a really hard time controlling their emotions. They're super reactive and they don't realize how extreme they look to other people. They don't realize how hard it is, that their unpredictability makes it hard for other people to react with them. They cannot control those high emotions that are running in them. On the personality matrix, sometimes this can be high extroverts, especially with someone who swings from being like the life of the party to wanting to be a recluse. High neuroticism, high emotional reactivity, worrier, and high openness, because they wanna experience a lot of things, they're always going, and that can make them a handful. They're always trying to do too many things at once or doing too many things. Tanks are by the way the hardest of the difficult personalities because they're so unpredictable and they can range. Unpredictability, if you had to describe it in one word, it would be that. It's that person in your life, they cause you a little bit of stress, they're a little bit difficult, but you don't always know what you're gonna get with them. What's it like to be in a relationship with a tank? Anyone have one, yeah? Like sometimes it's awesome 'cause they get you into some really interesting situations and then they just leave you and that's when it's not awesome. (laughing) Yeah, exactly, yeah. It's like a ticking time bomb and you've gotta be really calm around these people in order to control the situation (laughs) a little better. The almost name for this, which you hit on the head, is grenade. That was the almost name for this. The reason I picked tank was because typically they roll over people. They don't care, it's like move out of my way, whereas a grenade, it kind of explodes and then it's done. Where a tank could be a boss that has a terrible phone call and comes out of the office and is like, "What is going on? "This is bad, this is bad, this is bad," and like freak out and then they go away and they're done. Everyone's like, "What just happened?" (laughing) Yeah, anyone else have, yeah? For me, it's being on pins and needles, and then I can also tell that my neuroticism in that situation bumps up. So that's an interesting point is the difficult people, what effect they have on us. So we talked about the flip side, like being around calm, stable people helps my neuroticism calm down. When you're around someone who could explode at any moment, your neuroticism and your worry goes up. Absolutely, we're not even talking about the flip side. In your notebook, I would love it if you wanna write down next to some of these descriptions how they affect you, if they bring up any of your fear responses, or if they, what's the opposite of optimize? Horrible-ize. (laughing)
Compromise. Compromise, if they compromise some of your personality traits, you wanna write that beside. That can also be very helpful to know. I like that. I gotta do that myself. The question is, what do we do? And that all comes down to skill number 28, prevent toxicity. Prevent difficult people from being toxic by understanding how to get along with anyone. So difficult people, you know the toxic is coming and they can kind of spew toxic around, so how do you lessen that from affecting you and how do you also help them from not being toxic to themselves? How to get along with anyone. Number one, this is the most important one. Don't try to change them. We cannot fix a difficult person. That is not what today is all about. When you try to change them, they get worse. Who's had experience with this? Absolutely, I want to hear. Kim, tell me. Yeah, my complainer co-worker. I tried to fix things, it got worse. Yeah, with a complainer, the more you tell them everything's okay, the more they try to tell you how really bad it is. So they're like, "It's really terrible and bad," and you're like, "Oh no, but it should be a good day," and they're like, "No, you don't understand. "It's really bad." And you're like, "No, it'll be okay." And they're like, "It's the end of the world, it's so bad." (laughing) As you get positive, they get even more negative 'cause they wanna convince you. They're trying to be heard really how bad and scary it feels for them. A couple other people raised their hands about not trying to change them, it makes it worse. Yeah? I have a family member that's really close that's extremely narcissistic, so a lot of these come up, but it's definitely like if anyone in our family calls him out on it, it just gets worse and worse and worse. And it's amazing to hear they just need to be heard. They just need to be heard. You cannot argue with a feeling. You can't argue with fear. Difficult people are in fear mode. They're feeling afraid, they're feeling anxious. You cannot argue with feelings. They are not logical. It's literally impossible. Trying to argue with someone's feelings about someone is like trying to tell them, "Write with your non-dominant hand, please." It just doesn't work, but you can acknowledge it. Remember how with our own fear, fear-avana, we felt the fear and we acknowledged it, you can do the same thing for someone else. And this is step two, value and acknowledge them. This is like the hardest part of the course, guys, is right here, is I'm asking you to those difficult people in your life to figure out how you can value and acknowledge them. If you value difficult people, they will be less apathetic, angry, and fearful. Ugh, yes? I'm guessing that that is where the session we did on the micro-- Ah, actually, this is about the matrix. Ah, okay. Yes, let's talk about exactly-- 'cause value them, it's like, what do you do with that? Here's exactly what you do.
I feel like it's written all over my face. The microinequities.
Yes, the microinequities are written all over my face. Yes, you are right. When we uncover their matrix, when we go into exploratory mode into skill number one, people skill number one that we learned was endeavor to discover. When you flip into that mode, your microinequities go away because you start to harness curiosity. So instead of being like, ugh, this person's driving me crazy, (Allie laughs) First of all, you're aware of it and some of it will come out, but if you're like, no, I'm gonna crack them. I'm gonna solve their matrix. I'm gonna figure out what is going on that's wrong. You lose that and you focus on the number one, which is uncovering their matrix. So I want you to figure out their personality type. I want you to try to figure out their value language. Turn on law of addition and master questioner. It's not trying to fix them, it's trying to uncover them. The other side of this, which I think is like, what's the word? It's like a potent combination here, like a lethal weapon, is combining the Franklin Effect with the Pygmalion Effect. This is like the ultimate disarmer for difficult people if you can combine these two things. Let me explain how that works. If you ask a difficult person for help, they will almost always rise to the occasion. Typically we do the opposite. If we have a difficult person, we're like, "Don't ask them for help." But actually if you can value them and acknowledge them by giving them a reason to help you, and that fuses both the Pygmalion Effect and the Franklin Effect. Here's how they look together. I need your help with something. For example, this is a very specific example. So at a family holiday situation for Thanksgiving that we had, I have a very difficult personality member who does not like when new people come to family events. Even like new spouses and new children. (laughing) Like, she's very, very low open. Okay, she does not like new people. She's also low extrovert. So we had a couple of out of town guests coming in. We had a couple new people and someone was like, "I don't know what we're gonna do about this person. "She's gonna be angry, she's gonna be surly, "she's not gonna want to talk to them. "Where am I gonna seat everyone?" I was like, "We just have to ask her specifically "to help with this exact issue." And so what we did is, we asked her, "Would you please make the newcomers feel welcome? "We're gonna be so busy with the meal, "we would love it if that could just be your job." She's never been asked anything like this before in her life. I asked her, "Would you help check them in "and make sure that they can find their seats?" So this is the formula you use. Doesn't have to be feel welcome, but can you help do something? Can you make sure of something? Can you make them feel blank? She came and she was like with a mission. (laughing) She came and she was like, "Who are the new people?" (laughing) "Who are the new people? "Just give me a list of who they are." And I told her, like here's who's coming, and she was like, "Where do you want them to sit? "I'll take care of it." And she marched right up to them and she was like, "Welcome. Here's our family. "Here's this person, here's this person, "and you're gonna sit right here. "Can I get you a drink?" (laughing) I was like, what? Like, wow. So in a one stroke, you value them. You use the Pygmalion Effect. You expect the best from them instead of expecting the worst and you use the Franklin Effect by asking for a favor. Next, set your boundaries. There's going to be times where you cannot snap them out of it and that means you have to make sure that you prevent the toxicity from reaching you. So we learn about how to do this in Day Number Two, Detox. Blocking your calendar with refuel activities before and after having to see them. Saying no and setting limits. We learned exactly how to say no, but I wanna teach you one more technique that works extremely well with difficult people and it is the when-feel-need technique. Does anyone know this technique? It's used a lot and it's fantastic. Yeah, it's great, so I wanna teach it to you. The when-feel-need technique is when you do something, I feel, an emotion, I need, next step. Sometimes you can have could you. That's kind of like a parantheses. Sometimes there has to be something you need from them. Stick to this formula. This is your people encyclopedia. When this happens, do not deviate from this formula. The reason why is because they cannot argue with a feeling either. Sometimes if you're talking to a difficult person, you go into logic and reasoning of why they should do something. They get distracted with the logic and reasoning and they try to argue with you. You have to stick to the feeling. Yeah, Michael? I don't have the situation myself, but I suppose people at home have this, how do you deal with, for example, a tank if he's your boss? Would you unleash this thing on him as an anti-tank mine? So if a tank is an anger, right, if someone's an anger, you just wanna let them sorta be angry actually. You don't wanna be like, "Excuse me, just for a second, "could I just quiet you down? "When you get really angry like this, I feel really upset." So you wanna actually let them feel the anger, but then absolutely use this exact formula once they've calmed down because if you need an action, like if you need something done, you have to be able to say something and you can say, if it's directed at the anger-- It's hard because if you're trying to change their angry response, you wouldn't be doing that unless it was something specifically a task that you needed to solve. So let's go into the examples, and then we'll figure out if that answers that question for you. So when you don't call me back, I feel worried. I need you to just text me that everything is fine. Right, a lot of miscommunications happen when people are in avoidant attachment. They're a little bit afraid to connect and trying to logic out, well, you could be hurt, you could be in car crash, I wanna go to bed, they're like, "What, I would never be in a car crash. "You're crazy." No, I feel worried. I just need you to text me that everything is fine. Let's try another one. Oh, I want you to actually practice. So with your partner, I'm gonna give you a scenario and I want you to practice using the when-feel-need technique with your partner. So I'm gonna have, who hasn't been up on stage? Do you guys wanna come up on stage? You haven't been up in awhile. Are you ready for this scenario? At home, I want you to write out your answer. You also have the luxury, you have the time to think about how you could use this specifically in your life. Come on up, right here. Are you guys ready for this scenario? Your friend is always late. I'll be the late one. You'll be the late one. (laughing) That was good. When you're late, I feel concerned about your safety. I just need you send me a text and let me know that you're running late. Okay, so I want to challenge you a little bit on that. If you think about a downer or someone who actually doesn't care, a one-upper, they'd be like, "I'm always safe." You actually made it about them. The feeling has to be about you. Okay. When you're late, it's always a good time. No. (laughs) It's hard, yeah. I feel worried. Panicked, worried, yeah. And I just need you to give me a call or give me a text. Perfect, you made it about you. Make it about them and they'll argue with you. Okay. Would you say something similar or what would you try? When I don't hear from you, I get concerned. So I just want you to update me about what's going on and I'll be relaxed. Perfect. You said want, which is totally fine. The reason I have need is it speaks to an emotional need as opposed to a desire. So you can say I want if you want to soften it, but if it's like really you need, you can switch out want or need. Use it when you feel like you need to be stronger. Okay. I like it. Thank you, guys, thank you. All right, how'd that go? Was it all right? So we had something interesting where Li made it about the other person. I'm worried about your safety. You wanna make sure you keep it about you because if you talk about them, they will argue with you. So the feeling is what your feeling is to prevent that argument. You ready for the next one? Let's try it again, yeah? I've had this exact situation with a friend and I discussed it with her. I said, "If you do that, "I feel like you're not respecting my time." And she said, "I understand, but this is just the way I am. "I'm just not good with getting on time." So I think that was very close to the when-feel-need technique, except that it was missing the last part, which is the action step. And this is where you can say, "Okay, I get that's how you are. "What if?" and you can start going into solution mode with her. So, "What would work with your personality type, "but would also respect me? "I feel not respected. "I feel like you don't respect my time." Because then it tells them, that's a personality type, if I'm actually not respecting you, my friend, not only can I not argue with that, but it shows them that it's not all about them. They're actually showing you they don't respect you, they don't respect your time. Yeah, so the action step, that last part, the I need. All right, let's try one more. You need more help from your roommate/partner around the house. Do you guys wanna come up? I haven't had you guys up in awhile. Turn to your partner, bring up your mic. Do you guys both have mics? Come on up. Right here. Okay, who wants to be the difficult one? Who wants to start? Go ahead. Let's say that you want more help around the house. So, okay. When-feel-need. So is she asking me? Yeah, I need more help around the house so I'm going to say. So when you. So when you don't help around the house. Move this higher. When you don't help around the house, I feel very stressed. It would be great if you could just do the dishes today? So I vary that a little bit? It's totally fine, that softened it. If you think that that will be enough, great. The reason why I use the word need is 'cause it taps into something a little bit more emotional. So I need you just to help me with the dishes today. Either one works, but if you wanna really hit a little bit harder, you can use the need versus it would be great if. Okay. Either one. I need you to do the dishes? Is that what you're saying? I really need you to help me out with the dishes. Yeah. I mean, whatever I think is more comfortable. For you, yeah. Pick the wording. Yeah, I wouldn't say I need you to do this because I just-- It's not you, yeah. Right, it's not you, absolutely. What would you say? Well, my personality, I would just say, "Yeah, sure I could do that." Perfect. In that situation, I wouldn't be difficult at all. Sorry, I meant, so now you want her to help you. So she's not helping around the house. I'm the jerk. So when you don't clean up or whatever it is that happens in your home or whatever. Is it the same thing? Maybe I messed with your computers? Boy, I don't know. It's okay. What's something in the house that happens where you just need a little extra help with it? Computers? I'll just pretend like you're my kid and I need help with the lawn. 'Cause they never do that. Perfect, perfect. Sounds good. When you, when you. When I do what? When you don't help out around the house, or help me with the lawn work, I feel like the burden is all on me when we all live here in this house and we should all be helping each other, so I would like you to, at least today, could you just mow the lawn and rake the leaves? Perfect, that's perfect. I don't know how to, but absolutely. (laughing) Perfect. It just simplifies that ask. Perfect, you said when you do something, the effect that it has on me, I feel like I'm the only one burdened with this, and the actions I'm gonna take. Perfect, exactly. Thank you, guys. I'm sweaty. No, I don't mean to make you sweat, I'm sorry. All right, so this has come up twice during the examples, if the wording needs to change a little bit differently for you, like if you wanna say, "It would be great if," or "I want you to," or "Could you please," that's totally fine. I want you to tweak it so that the words fit what would come out of your mouth. As long as you get the formula down, it keeps it simple, as opposed to getting into something that might promote argument for them, that they can argue with. All right, I have one more. Your colleague forgets to include you on important emails. Okay, how do you turn this into a professional setting? Michael and Lace, do you guys wanna come up? Perfect, turn to your partner. At home, I want you to write out what you would say, and also how this would work specifically in your life. Come on up. Who wants to be the difficult person first? I'm usually difficult, so. (laughing) All right, Lace, what do you need? When you forget to include me on emails to our boss, it makes me feel unprepared and misinformed. Could you please take an extra second and include me? Okay, doesn't it make you also feel excluded from the team? It doesn't actually as much that way. I would've said that, too. It makes me worried that I don't know and I like to get things done, anything that's my task. So if I didn't get it done, then I have this guilt about something I never knew. Right, neurotic much? Yeah, a little high. (laughing) A little high. All right, your turn. I don't have any colleagues, actually, but my girlfriend was in this situation, and I think she went up to the colleague and said it like, "This happened a couple of times. "Could you change it because you're making me feel "like I'm not part of the team?" So I'd always want to start it with, "When you don't include me in emails, "I feel like I'm not part of the team. "Could you make sure that you always include me?" Yeah, okay, the action step, yeah. Yeah, exactly, end with that action step, perfect. Thanks, guys, yes. So I want you to also think about your own. Think about a boundary that's not being met and practice ahead of time. You get that prefrontal cortex in action so that it's prepared for some of those things. 'Cause conflict, at least if you're like me, makes you a little bit nervous. When you have a formula to depend on, makes it a little bit easier to find your words in that moment. Ninja tip, imagine yourself as the most patient, kind, and fair person you know. So sometimes when I'm dealing with a difficult person, I've talked about my friend Barry before. My friend Barry is like the kindest, most patient, most honest person I know, and whenever I'm with someone, I'm like, "Just channel Barry, just channel Barry." It actually does help your brain get into a different mindset. It makes you step back. It's a trick on the brain to get emotional distance for just a second, to channel yourself as someone else. I'm like, "What would Barry do in this situation? "How would Barry respond to this email?" This works awesome in emails. It's a very, very direct and clear way to communicate when you, I feel, I need. Here's the thing, we are all one of these difficult people on our worst day. What happens when you are the difficult person? (laughing) In your workbook, I want you to look at some of these descriptions and think about where you tip into. What's your fears for you? And here's how we deal with it. It's the exact same three step process as learning. We start with awareness. Do people say to you or do you feel like this always happens to me or I always hear that? Sometimes when we don't realize we're a difficult person, are people always saying to you, you know, I wish you'd get back to me sooner, or you're always late? That will give you some clues about you could possibly be a difficult person, and just being aware of which one of those you tend to fall into and the fear that's underlying it. Same with learning, that's the first step to fixing it. Second, discomfort. That's the second stage of learning. It's also the second stage of dealing with your own difficult person. Reframing the low road, figuring out what that fear is and then reframing it. So identifying it and figuring out, what's a name you can call it? How can you have some introspection on it? And asking for feedback. Sometimes a part of discomfort is asking for feedback from people that we trust. How can I be a better friend? How can I be a better client? How can I be a better coach? How can I be a better instructor, yeah? That is how we get uncomfortable, but it's also how we get to the next stage of learning. I try, it's very difficult, but I do try to ask this of my employees and people who I work with because it gives them a safe space to tell me if they have something that's been on their mind. It gives them a safe place to actually tell me that. And lastly, adoption. I want you to turn your fear into determination. If we are determined to be in a growth mindset, to know that our failures or our shortcomings or our bad moods, they don't define us. If we're in a bad mood, we're not a bad person. If we made some mistakes with people, that doesn't make us wrong. So we need to turn it into determination and turn it into growth. We absolutely can change our natural response and this is the biggest challenge. First, I want you to ask one person, "How can I be a better," one person. I know that's hard. Can be one of your intimates, could be your riser. I want you to ask someone that. Then I want you to try the when-feel-need technique in action. It can be something extremely small, very, very small, but I just want to try it in action once and see how it feels. What are the words that you use that come naturally to you? My bonus for today, think of a really difficult person in your life and I want you to try to crack them. Endeavor to discover, give 'em a call, email them, and see if you can solve their matrix. What's their value language? What's their intelligence? What's their love language? And what's their ocean? See if you can crack them. Because here is what's coming up. You have to be able to deal with difficult people if you want to persuade them or change their action or motivate them. We're gonna talk about 26, Persuasion, how to be an agent of influence, the psychology of persuasion, and how to motivate people to take action. Then Supercharge Your Sales. These actually go together. We're gonna learn the 12 different laws of persuasion. We're gonna learn the first 7 in and the rest of them in 27, so they go perfectly together and we're gonna practice. In Supercharge Your Sales, how to win every deal, how to get buy in, and how to sell like a superhero. May have to bring out those capes again, guys. So I wanna know what the most important thing you learned today is. On Twitter, I wanna know hashtag people skills or @vvaneedwards, and of course I wanna hear from the audience. Do you have something, Kim? I loved getting the underlying fear behind the different difficult people. It made so much sense and it made me feel like I have a better ability to handle them now. As you were talking about that, with handling people, I don't think I answered fully, Erika, your question on passives and how to engage them. Finding their spark is typically-- uncovering their matrix, but really focusing on the part of the matrix that's like love language. You know, how they feel most appreciated. Finding that spark, finding their fire, that might be the events that work best for them. Yeah, that part of the matrix. I love knowing to ask difficult people to help. That's so smart because all we do is we wanna pull away and that just perpetuates their difficulty. And the one most difficult person in my life, it's true. You opened that in my head today about like when he's given a task is when we all like him. And we tend to do the opposite and pull away. And that's a nice positive feedback loop. You turn the negative spiral into a positive one where you're like, ah, they're being helpful. They feel helpful, they're validated. Yeah. Saw another hand over here. Yeah, Li? For me, it was don't try to change them. I think that's so important 'cause we all want to help and we wanna make them better, but knowing that they are the way they are and it's for a reason and don't try to change them, it's kind of amazing. And hopefully relief, right? It's not your job to fix them. We cannot fix feelings. We can only acknowledge them. Allie, you had your hand up, too. I am thrilled about the something to do when you're with them, that cracking the code, be a master listener, because I'm just so sure that my microexpressions or micro--
Inequities. Inequities, are leaking all over the place. (laughing) And if I can stem that, that's gonna make things immediately better. Yeah, they'll feel it. They will feel it.
I'm sure. Yes, they will. Babra, did you have your hand up? Same what Maggie said, that giving importance to the difficult people, the Pygmalion Effect, and that will just flip the whole story there, and they are the one who will help you and take it to the next levels. The crazy part about that, and I use the Pygmalion Effect all the time with work, is they're usually the ones later who will refer you. Like they're so grateful (laughing) and it always shocks me the most because they're like, wow. They never get that. They're usually avoided and ignored and so they're usually the ones who bring you the most business later or write you the most amazing testimonial. You're like, "What? I'm shocked." It's because of that. You expected the best and they rose to the occasion. Fantastic. This is gonna be another amazing segment and I do just want to remind everybody at home. It doesn't matter which segment you're joining us in, whether it's number 2, number 23, or number 30, you do need the workbook. There's so much detail in this and there's also some exercises that Vanessa is not necessarily covering in the live course, so I do recommend that you have this. Thank you so much for being with us. We'll see you back in the next segment. (everyone applauds)