How to Inspire

 

Master Your People Skills

 

Lesson Info

How to Inspire

(applause) Welcome to day 23. We are talking about how to inspire. Here are my goals for today. One, I want to teach you the six different inspiration styles. This for me really leveled up my game working with clients and in business, so I can not wait to teach it to you. The art of infecting others, which is not malicious, we're using all of our powers for good and not evil. And three, increasing your influence in whatever way you want to increase your influence in your own life. But of course, we have a little warm up to get our juices flowing. I wanna know who is the most inspiring person you know. And then I want you to think about why. What is one word or one thing about them that makes them inspiring? Because I wanna keep that on top of mind today so we can understand what exactly makes them inspiring. At home, I want you to fill out your workbook, turn to segment 23, and answer this for yourself. Who is the most inspiring person you know and why? Just the top of your head, who i...

s the most inspiring? Yeah, Jason, tell me. So one of the speakers for a previous Creative Live, his name is Kelly Starrett, he's a mobility expert. I know him, he's amazing. So what about him is inspiring to you? He just has a lot of energy. He is extremely knowledgeable about his field. And it's a very technical kind of field but he gets the information out to people in a way that makes them want to actually do what he's asking them to do. Energy, knowledge, reaching people. Yes. Someone else? Someone inspiring, you know why? Yes, tell me. My inspiration is John Morrow. He has a condition and he cannot really move. In spite of that, he's achieved so much and he's helped so many people. Every time I think about that, I'm like man, I should be doing a lot more. So that's exciting. So nothing holding him back and helping and reaching lots of people, I love it. One more, one more really inspiring person and why they inspire you. And it can be someone personally. Yeah? I love comedy. So one of my most inspiring people is Louie C.K. And it's just that I love how he can absorb the world and translate it into humor and it's digestible and relatable to so many things. He's one of my favorite comedians because he has this amazing ability to translate. He can translate almost anything into a smile. How do you do that? So today, the quote that's gonna define what we're talking about is by Gandhi. And it's "The best way to find yourself "is to lose yourself in the service of others." because today, it's not just about inspiring other people but it's also about finding yourself in that inspiration. Because they can not be separated. A little bit of science for you before we get into the inspiration styles. So George Litwin is the one who really pioneered the idea that there could be different ways to inspire people. When we think about inspiration, we usually just think of one thing, like I want my idea to go to you. Or, I wanna help you with your idea. But actually, it's much more nuance than that. So here's what he did. He surveyed 3,871 top executives across all industries. And that's a massive sample size. And he wanted to know how do they act, how are they perceived. So he not only talked to them. He also talked to their subordinates and their superiors, people who worked with them, people in their life. And here's what he found. There were six flexible inspiration styles that they used to get their message across. Let me break this down a little bit. So what he found was that the most inspiring people, people who inspired both above and below them, they had six inspiration styles they used flexibly. When they were in one situation, they would use a visionary style. When they were in a different situation, they'd use an affiliate style. This is a very different way of thinking about inspiration. That actually your style changes depending on the situation. It's sort of the flip side of the platinum rule, right? The platinum rule is changing how you interact based on the person. Same thing with the inspiration styles. You change how you inspire based on the situation. So this is skill number 25. So we're learning 33 people skills in this course. And number 25 is live to inspire. Adapt your inspiration style to make a bigger impact in whatever area works for you. Alright, so we're gonna go through all six of the inspiration styles. I'm gonna explain the goal of the inspiration style. Then I'm gonna talk about when you should use it. The climate, when it comes up. Then we're gonna talk about how to use it. How to implement that style. And I'm gonna give you an inspiration at the very end of the slide of someone who I think uses that style very well. In your workbook, you have a chart. And this chart is gonna help you break down how you can use this inspiration style in your life. So this is day 23 inspiration style. There's a chart that says "person, need, action step". After each and every inspiration style, I want you to apply it in your life. So we're gonna do that together. Visionary is the first one. The goal of the visionary inspiration style is to inspire people to move toward shared dreams. So it's moving forward. Like Martin Luther King, he shared a dream. That was his dream. And he wanted to inspire others to share that dream with him so they could move forward. So he's the person who's a perfect example of a visionary inspiration style. When to use visionary... When change is needed. If something needs to be different. And motivation to start. So at the start of a project, a goal, or a relationship. Allie, actually a couple days ago you were talking about how do you inspire someone if you want them to be the person to be the leader. This is the inspiration style that you use. Because you're trying to get them to start something. Whatever that is for them. You wanna figure out what is the shared dream for them to move forward. Let me go a little bit deeper. So how to use visionary inspiration style. Clarifying the mission. Now this could be your mission statement. So your personal mission statement. For example, Martin Luther King, I have a dream and then hoping that others will share in that dream. You can also clarify their mission statement. So if someone's like, I don't know what my direction is you can always say what is your personal mission and take them to the personal mission statement exercise. It's also identifying an ideal outcome. The other way that we use the visionary inspiration style is showing them the end. That the work that we do now is gonna be worth it to whatever ideal in the future that we want. Let's put this into action. Here's a couple of examples for you. Person, so let's say that the person is your blog readers, people who read your blog or social media. And the need for them is to change their body language. You wanna inspire them to have an ideal outcome where they can own their body language. This is one of mine. This is directly from my chart. And the action step would be to post 10 inspirational stories of people who have achieved that ideal outcome. That would be the person, the need, and the action step. Let's say that it's a spouse or a partner. Their need is they're thinking about going to grad school but they're just not sure if they should do it. For them, an action step could be taking them on a tour and showing them the ideal outcome. Showing them what it would be like to walk through that campus and fulfill their goal of learning. That could be an action step. Let's say the person is a friend and their need is they really need a big vacation. A self exploratory vacation, you know that they need it. Maybe for them it would be giving them a travel journal. I actually have a friend in the audience who I want to take a really big vacation and I actually have a travel journal for them. So my friend Lacey I know wants to take a really big trip and you've been thinking about it and thinking about it for years, since I've known her, and so I wanted to give you a travel journal and I wrote a little message to you in it so that you have something to write in for that trip. And I hope that it inspires you on that. (applause) so in your notebook... Yes Allie, ask me. So the action step is what you as the visionary are gonna do to help your person. It's not the step that they're taking, it's the step you're gonna take. I like that. So I want you maybe to add an extra column. Maybe you also have their action step. In my mind, this was your action step but I think it's actually very helpful to think about what you want them to do. Right, so if that is an option for you why don't you split this column into two and have yours and theirs? Because that might not apply for every single one, right? But for some it might. I like it, thank you. Let's watch a quick video of Leslie talking about an inspiration style. 'Cause our inspiration styles actually come out a lot in conversation. When you know what to listen for, you hear it a lot. So I wanted to play a clip from Leslie. My favorite thing about my job is that I get to work with all parts of the company and our customers, so I never have a dull moment. I'm always working on something different, something that's really meaningful and makes a big difference in our customers' lives or in our product. So Leslie doesn't even realize it but she says at the end there that what gives her meaning in her job is being a visionary inspiration style, is using visionary inspiration style with the people she works with and with Creative Live watchers or students. So that's someone who just talked about that inspiration style right in the answer to her question. So I also wanted to point out very briefly that we know just from this answer, huge growth mindset, right? She's all about improving and learning. She falls very high open on her matrix. And she uses the visionary inspiration style. So before we go on to the next one, at home and here I want you to think about who is it in your life that might need a little bit of visionary inspiration? And think about, what's that action step there? What could you do? And at the end, we're gonna talk about some ideas and how to implement that. The next inspiration style is coaching. So the goal for the coaching inspiration style is to encourage correct action and forward movement. Let me break that down. When to use it is getting things done and improving performance. So it's checking things off the list, finishing a project, getting things done, GTD method. How to use it... Setting goals and mapping out a plan. This is our most black and white of the inspiration styles. Because sometimes, people who need coaching, they just need to know what to do next. They know the shared goal, they know the vision. But they're like, where do I start? What do I do next? How do I even think about how to break up this task for my mission? So this is all about helping them get it into action, setting goals, and mapping out a plan. Coaches of any kind, so Vince Lombardi, love the Lombardi trophy, sports coaches use the coaching inspiration style every single day, right? They're like, we're gonna get to practice. How are we gonna get ready for the game on Friday? We're gonna do drills. We're gonna practice shooting. I don't know sports well, whatever you do in basketball. So you do all that stuff. You check a bunch of stuff off the list to get to the game. So it's breaking it down so they know exactly what to do. I actually think that probably, Jason, you must use coaching a lot in your line of work because when someone comes to you they say, I want this end goal. I know what I want, how do I do it? So do you actually sit down and map out a plan with them? Do you set goals with them? For certain people, absolutely. We have sort of check-ins on a regular basis so it's like hey, the goal is to get your first pull up. Okay, day one we need you to work on this, this, and this. And then kind of the plan for the whole sort of one month or three months or whatever it is. I'm realizing this is one of the reasons why the way that I teach meditation works really well with my clients and people is because I'm able to make it really clear and set out a plan rather than saying, oh, just sit and clear your mind. Which no one knows how to do. But by giving them really baby steps that are super clear to follow. I'm like oh, that's why that works for them. Yeah, exactly. Also that meets their matrix, how they think. Yeah, Erica. And so it seems to me that you could combine the visionary with the coaching? Perfect, I actually think Allie maybe, and correct me if I'm wrong, I was thinking about your business yesterday and I think that you probably combine visionary and coaching all the time. You start the call with visionary. What's our goal, what's our dream, why are we here? And then you go on to coaching. Okay, what's the next step? What's the action step? When you think about working with people whether you're a coach on entrepreneur or you're just a friend, you can flexibly adapt these inspiration styles like okay, someone sits with you and you realize we need to focus on goals first. And they're like yes, that is my goal. And then you're like, okay, what's the next step? What you're doing is going from visionary to coaching. Is that right, did I get that right for you? You did, and then very frequently, and then back again. Because it's often not the first thing that's really what they want. There's a whole other layer. So I could see that flexible model where you'd move between them like oh, I thought we were ready to go to coaching, no, we're not ready, we gotta go back to vision because that wasn't quite- Perfect, and now you have the language and the mental framework to do that. If you're working with people or sitting with someone, sometimes you're like, I don't know what to say next. What do we do? And it feels disorganized. For me, disorganization causes me anxiety. So when I at least know I can feel what's needed, we need to stay in visionary or we need to go into coaching, it helps me take down my anxiety so I can be fully present. So here's an example. Let's say that the person is a colleague. Their need is tackling a big project and they come into your office and they're like, I don't know what to do. I'm so overwhelmed. I don't even know where to start. Action step would be to go through their to-do list with them. Alright, where do we start? What's next? What can you finish today? How long will it take you? Let's go into the next one, affiliative. Affiliative inspiration style, the goal is to bring the right people together at the right time. So it's building affiliations. When to use it... Healing rifts, so if there's been problems on a team or with people. New projects or team members are brought in. So you have a new thing you gotta tackle or maybe in the family, you need to work on something together. Who do you need to bring together to get it so that you can move forward? How to use it... Team building and expressing shared interests. So a perfect example of this is whenever a U.S. president takes office, he has to build a cabinet. He goes and he takes this person with this special skill and this person with this expertise and he brings them all together and he says okay, we gotta run this government. How can we use all of our expertise to do this? And to do that, he has to make sure that okay, we have shared interests. We all wanna run this country together well even though we have different opinions and we have to make sure that we know we are a team. We work together as a team. An example of this, let's say that you are on the board of a non-profit. You're the non-profit president or you're starting a non-profit. You would need to raise donations to get money for that non-profit. Your action step would be to build a board of community members who are incredibly influential who have different, varied interests and can go out into the community and get all that money that you need to raise for a non-profit. I'm just trying to give lots of different examples to show how that works. Does this resonate with someone on how they think they could use affiliative in their line of work? Yeah? Just more of a question. Would this be like a weekly sales meeting or something if you were in sales? Perfect, actually typically weekly meetings where like team members are all coming together to check in, it's affiliative. You're not necessarily going into visionary, why does our company exist... It's not that meeting. And it's not necessarily action steps. Everyone kinda has their own. It's not coaching. They have their own to-do list. This is like, are we helping each other? Sales, you need help with marketing. Marketing, have you talked to HR? There's a new hire. Exactly, perfect example. Yeah? I appreciate having this tool in the toolbox. Especially like for healing rifts. Because even my husband a month ago over e-mail there was some weirdness happening and he wasn't quite exactly sure how to best approach it. He ended up having a meeting but having this top of mind to know that okay, it's not like a kumbaya circle, this is like an inspiration to get people on the same page is very, very good. Thanks for calling out healing rifts. I don't think i focused enough on that. Affiliative, sometimes all you need to heal miscommunications is just bringing the people all in the same room or all in the same call. That's using the affiliative coaching style, let's make sure we're all on the same page. We're all coming together and talking about this. I wanna show you... Oops, I'm going backwards. I wanna show you a video of Michael talking, from Creative Live, about how he uses the affiliative coaching style in his business. He didn't even realize he was talking about it but clearly this is his go to. And I want you to listen really carefully to see. I have a little trick question there also, so just listen carefully. So I think I have two favorite things about my job. I think first, working with the different instructors and being a peer with them as they develop out their content. I love the relationships that I get to build with them. And I feel that with a lot of the instructors I'll probably know them and be friendly with them for the rest of my life. The other thing I really love about my job is it really is a group that comes together for a common purpose. And because of that, we have an incredibly dynamic interaction. A dynamic energy that is always moving towards a mission and a goal. I think actually he's talking about two here. Did someone catch the other one? Visionary. Yeah, visionary. Say it louder, that answer is right. Own it! Absolutely, so he was kind of talking about both. He was saying, I know why we're here at Creative Live. We come together for a common purpose, to educate people and bring really good knowledge to students. But that means bringing all different kinds of people together. And the first thing they do when you work at Creative Live, is they're like okay, here's content, here's marketing, here's our growth person. Like they put you with all the right people so that you know what to do. They do this all the time. So I wanted to show you an example of how he knows that's part of his job. That's probably the inspiration style he defaults to on a daily basis. So let's go to number four, which is democratic. So democratic inspiration style, the goal here is to make sure people feel heard. Feel heard. To be able to make a decision or take an action. So when to use it... Solving conflicts and decision making. Getting buy in requires making sure that everyone feels like their voice and their opinion was heard. How to use it... Encouraging participation, making sure that every single person has their voice out there. Including all sides, no matter what, and active listening. All of the listening techniques that we used. The wreck technique, non-verbal attunement. Master questioner to make sure that you're getting absolutely everything. That helps us make sure that for democratic, everyone's voice is being heard. So I mentioned solving conflicts and decision making. So an example of this is a union leader. A union leader, especially if there are some serious problems going on, there's lots of different sides but they need to be able to make a decision. Not everyone's gonna agree. But at least everyone has to feel like they've been heard. So everyone is heard, you gather the information, and you go okay, it's time to vote and we gotta move forward. Getting buy ins is essential for everyone to accept the final decision. So even if they're outvoted, at least they know that they've been heard and we tried. They tried to make sure that everyone was able to say okay, the majority says that this decision needs to be made. I saw some hands up. Yeah, Michael. Is it right that I'm envisioning this as a sort of gear box where you can simply switch from an inspiration style to style in a meeting? It's hard, you don't wanna use too many at once. Typically, you can pre-think about okay, I'm gonna start the meeting visionary. Getting everyone on the same page. Then I gotta go through bringing all the right groups together, so introducing everyone in the room, and then I wanna hear how it's going for you. When I think about approaching a segment, I come in and I start with visionary. And then I wanna hear from all of you, which is democratic. And then I go through the get it done. Like what are the action steps? So I typically use three in a segment. So it's more pre-thinking about it but of course while you're in the room it's the ninja skill, right? Bringing out what you think might need to be worked on. Usually you can pre-meditate what you think you need. Erica, did you have a question? Do you have any tips for getting the quiet person to voice their opinion other than asking them? I think that you can answer this question, actually. Because I know that you can. So if someone is low-extrovert, what's the best way they like to communicate? Well with time. Yes, giving them time and space. So I guess you could say hey, I'm gonna be asking this question in the meeting- So you can e-mail them ahead of time and say hey, I just wanna give you a heads up I'm gonna be asking this question. That's why occasionally if I know I have a hard question coming up, people at home, sometimes when I know I have a hard question coming, I give the audience or some of my introverts in the audience a little heads up. Just so you know, I'm gonna be talking about fears today. So I just want you to think about some of your fears. That's exactly what I do. So giving them heads up. And also for them it might not be calling out their answer in a group. If you have a team of a lot of introverts it might not be like, everyone, share your greatest fear and the problem that's going on right now! (laughter) 'Cause they're gonna be like oh no, everything's fine. Nothing that means fine. So then maybe for them you say afterwards, I'd love for you to come up and talk to me about problems that you're having. Sorry, was that- No, that was great. Because I was like, we know this, we did it. So person, let's say it's your family and the need is where to go on vacation or where to have dinner. The action step would be everyone pitch your favorite and we're gonna vote. Sometimes in a family with kids especially they just wanna know that their answer was heard. They're like, do you take my opinion seriously? And so using democratic in family is a great way to make sure that everyone's like, I heard you, but the vote was for... We're going to Mexico. Sorry, that was the vote. We can't go to Switzerland. Whatever it is to make sure everyone feels like they get buy in. I wanna show you an example. Dana talked about the democratic inspiration style while he was talking about his job and I wanted to point out what he said about that and how he talked about it. My favorite thing about my job is sitting in the middle of everything. I get to sit between sort of the execution of the strategy but I also get to work with a bunch of the other teams here. The marketing team, the content teams. Because I have to appreciate everything that everyone does. I think that's what I love the most. I have to have an understanding of everything that's going on to actually be good at my job. This is actually I think a combination of two. I think it's a combination. He said, I have to know how everyone feels to be good at my job. To know what to put in the product I have to know the needs of every single team. So it's partially bringing people together a little bit but mostly, it's him just getting opinions from everyone and then making decisions. So that's using the democratic inspiration style, they're talking about it. Does anyone feel like they can use the democratic inspiration style right now with something they're working on where they have lots of different people they have to get buy in from? I think maybe, you can tell me if you think this is right, a wedding is a lot of different people. It's a lot of different parties. And so I would think and I don't know, you can correct me if I'm wrong, that sometimes you actually have to go and make sure that the mother in law's needs are being met and the bride's needs are being met and the groom's needs are being met. And then you have to decide what the best choice is after getting all those opinions. Do you think that's right? That is right. And to step it up, you wanna coordinate with the other vendors also. Because of course what we are doing it's all interdependent on each other's work there so it works very well there. Yeah, perfect. So before a wedding making sure that the videographer, that you get the right shot walking down the aisle, the wedding planner knows what's happening. That is the perfect example of democratic inspiration style. Showing up at a wedding and being like I want this all to move smoothly so I wanna make sure that I tap into everyone's needs and then we're gonna make the best decision after that. Yeah, absolutely. Feeling is the fifth inspiration style. The goal here is to help people feel... Feel, underlined, bolded... Safe, validated, and understood. So that's the only goal is making them feel like they are being heard. When to use... When people are frustrated or overwhelmed, when you're seeing burnout. How to use it... Letting them vent, letting them exhale, and recognizing their sacrifices. So perfect example of this? This is a therapist's job every single day. Most therapists, they're there to listen. They very rarely have to offer suggestions, a get it done. They very rarely are visionary or sharing a mission, or talking about shared dreams. All they're there for is to make the person feel validated and explore their feelings. Why this is important is because knowing when to use feeling versus coaching is the biggest gift you can give someone. If someone shows up to a session with you, Jason, and they're complaining and they're tired and they're upset and you're like, well you can try this, and you could try this, and you could try this... That might not be the inspiration style they need at the moment. They might just want you to be like, yeah, I hear you. That sucks, that's horrible. Like they just wanna hear that they're understood so you let them exhale. When they get to that moment where they're like (exhales) I've been felt. I've been heard and understood. Does any of this happen to anyone where they have to use this style? Yeah, tell me. This is with the spouse as well all the time. And also business partner too. Every time he is burnt out, he is not exactly saying that, but that's kind of- That emotion is being expressed and he doesn't want from you to fix it. He doesn't need you to go into shared goals and interests. That's not what he wants. He doesn't need you to get other people and bring them over. He just wants to feel heard. Yeah? Great example, sort of meeting people where they're at when you're coaching a big class and you're like yelling and you're like guys, do this, do that and then you see somebody who's really frustrated and you kinda take them aside... Hey, just keep going. It's sort of a little bit more of a quiet like, I know this is hard, just keep moving. Yeah, so you don't use that inspiration style for the whole class, but for that person, you know that that's what they need in that moment. Biggest gift you can give someone. Yeah? It's a big part of the first call too is people need to know that you hear them before they trust you enough to move forward with- Into coaching? Yeah, like they've really gotta know that you've got them in order to. So maybe it's starting with this, not visionary. Leah, you had your hand up. I was gonna say this is perfect for when your friends are going through break ups. All they wanna do is vent. Yeah, I was wondering if that was my example that I had. Because all they want, they don't want it to be solved, they just want to vent on it. So the example I gave was a partner. I think someone said spouse. So your partner, they are just super, super stressed. They are just stressed. And so you're like, let's go do a date night vent session. Let's just go to dinner and you can just talk to me and tell me all about it. That's the best gift that you can give them. I wanna show you an example of Brian from Creative Live. So Brain is my content producer and I'm high neurotic, which we've established, and so sometimes I'll be like, I'm so tired. And he's like, what can we do to fix it? Can I get you a latte? Can we sugar you up? And I'm like no, just tell me how much it sucks. And he's like, it sucks. It sucks, it's so sucky. This is what I'm asking for, Brian. I'm just asking for you to feeling inspiration style me. 'Cause I just want you to tell me like it's so hard, it sucks, it's so long. That's it. I actually have a clip of him talking about what he does. He already does this already so I wanna just bring out what it means to talk about the feeling inspiration style. My favorite thing about my job is that what I do often times greatly affects peoples' lives in a positive. So if I talk to students who are part of a workshop after, they're motivated to go make the next step towards their dream. And when I work with an instructor they come in really nervous. Well of course, they never come in nervous. (laughs) They come in, especially first time instructors, to teach something and do really well and I help them be part of that and watch their career start accelerating because of what they're done here on Creative Live. I love that part. So he's talking about too, he's talking about getting the course done but he's also talking about, they come in nervous. They're first time instructors, they don't know what to do. So he uses a perfect blend of both. Of I hear you, I feel that you're nervous, I know that this is overwhelming, but I know we can get it done. And visionary, think about the end. Think about all the help you're gonna do with people. So he actually fluctuates, he uses all three of them. Yeah? Think about this as like the role of the maid of honor. (laughs) The first lady in the wedding, yeah. It's just sort of like calming the bride down. Just like, it's gonna be okay, don't panic. The wedding planner has to do coaching. The maid of honor has to do feeling to make sure everyone's okay. Yeah, absolutely, I love it. So let's go on to the last one. And I put an asterisk on this one because I think it should only be used in emergencies. Some people default to the commanding inspiration style. But I don't think it's the best one to use. It should only be used when you absolutely need it, there's no other inspiration style that you can do. The commanding inspiration style, the goal is to command attention and action, to set the direction. When to use it... Emergencies and hard, inflexible deadlines. You have no other choice. How to use it... Clear direction, transparency, and mentioning this is temporary. Sorry guys, we have a hard deadline, we've gotta meet it. Sometimes, especially when we're live, we all just sit in our chairs really fast. So the Creative Live people are like okay guys, sit down in your chairs, get your notebooks, phones off. That's commanding style because we have a hard deadline that we gotta do. And they have to get it done. But they emphasize sorry, we're live. Temporality and transparency. Let's say that you have a fire to put out at work. An emergency. And a client's really upset. You have to use the commanding style to get everyone in their places, get it done. You can't do feelings. You can't stop and have time for visionary. You just have to be able to get through it. So it's a last resort of the inspiration styles. What do you do if it's an environment where there are constant deadlines so everyone's kind of always operating in that? Do you incorporate a different style? Coaching. So I think that coaching, it should always be like we're getting it done, we're on a deadline, we have these smaller deadlines to meet a bigger deadline. Commanding only happens when either a deadline is not met or a curve ball is thrown and so aiming for the coaching and knowing that commanding is in your back pocket... Like, if we gotta do it I'm just gonna take charge, step in, and say here's what has to be done. Yeah? I've actually had to use this a couple times and I think I do the combination of coaching and commanding. And I pull in the commanding when the coaching isn't quite enough because they're just too tired, so knowing what the task is isn't helpful anymore 'cause they're too tired to know how to accomplish that task. So you use it as a last resort because you have to get it done. The way that you could cushion that to make sure that you don't create resentment for it is to say, I know we are tired. I am transparent. I don't wanna do this but guys, I'm gonna push us through to get there and as soon as it's over we won't have to do this anymore. That's how you make it okay. So absolutely we have to use it and I love that you stay in coaching for as long as possible. Then you just realize then there's that moment where you've gotta say, we've gotta get it done. Thank you for that. Yeah? Is there also a time that it's appropriate if you throw in a little bribe like hey, when this is all done let's go grab a drink or a meal- Let's call it a reward. (laughter) Yeah, I like that better. And yes, because you know what that ties into? That ties into the motivation hygiene theory. So you know what you're commanding, we have to get it done, this is really awful. The motivator is guys, we are making so much progress. We're helping so many people. And the end of all this, the motivation is that we're gonna have a giant party. Absolutely, saying the why we're doing it. Example for commanding, you have a friend. It's a last minute wedding. She's like, guess what? I'm getting married next weekend. Will you be my maid of honor? And you're like, I've gotta direct the bridal brigade to get this done. You're doing flowers, you're making sure you're calling the photographer, you're calling the venue. That would be a time where you'd have to use commanding outside of work. I gave a lot of work examples. Even in our real life, sometimes we have to use commanding as well. I wanna make a special note here on inspiration. Which is that sometimes inspiring people is helping them to do it themselves. That it's not us directing or doing something for them. That the more that we can actually help someone take ownership, the more they themselves feel inspired. And this is based on a study by Dan Ariely, the author of Predictably Irrational. So he split participants up into two groups. In group number one, he gave them a little origami bird and he was like, do you wanna buy this origami? How much would you pay for it? And he had them bid on how much they would pay for the origami. In group number two, he said here's directions on how to make this little origami bird. Will you please make this origami? After they made it, he said how much do you wanna buy this origami bird for? Now if you compared the two origamis, the ones that were nicely made and the ones the people made themselves, I mean there was just no comparison. The ones that they made, they were like crumpled and sort of like leaning over to the side. But people by far always paid more for the one that they themselves had made. It didn't matter that it wasn't the prettier one. It's that they had ownership over it. It was something that they had done, that they had tried, and that made them inspired to wanna have it. So I bring this up because I think that it's important that sometimes it's not us telling them what to do, that we wanna help them do it themselves. One more study on this. Cake mix today, if you look at Betty Crocker cake mix, when you build a cake... If you've never bought one of those boxes, you have to add oil, eggs, and water typically. You mix it all up, you put it in the oven. Betty Crocker did a big thing back in the 1960s. They were like, we're gonna make it so that you don't even have to add eggs anymore. We're gonna put powdered eggs in there. All you have to do is add water, put it in the oven, and bake it. Sales plummeted. They were like, what? We made it easier. We took an ingredient out. We gave them an easy button. But what they forgot to think about was that actually adding the eggs and mixing in the eggs gave people a sense of ownership over their cake. So instead of it being Betty Crocker's cake, it was theirs. So I just throw this in there that if there's something that you can do with a client or a colleague or a friend where they can take an aspect and make it their own, that is sometimes the most inspiring thing that you can do for them. In action, working on projects, reaching new people, supporting friends, helping others. That's when we wanna flexibly use these inspiration styles. Coming up tomorrow, so we've inspired people... Now how do we lead them? What's the next step? We're gonna talk about how to earn respect, how to build your tribe and find your inner greatness as the best leader you can be. Then on day 25, we're gonna shift gears a little and we're gonna talk about human vampires. The four difficult people, how to get along with anyone, and how to prevent toxicity from entering into your life. My challenge today is I want you to do one action step for each inspiration area. Even if it's a really small one. I just want you to practice what it feels like in each inspiration area. So in your chart, go through and think of the people, the needs, and the action steps, and I want you to just try one for each. And they will hopefully thank you as well. It's time for what was the most important thing you learned today. So at home, I wanna hear what your a-ha moment is and what you've learned. Go on Twitter and use the hashtag "people skills" or @VVanEdwards and tell me. The best answers at the end of 30 days Will win my dating and entrepreneur course. And we've had some great responses so far. Yeah, I know. It's exciting watching everyone, seeing what they're learning. So what did you learn today? What was your a-ha moment? Yeah, Maggie. I really appreciate the refresher on the feeling inspiration method because I tend to always just go into to do. Like, let's get it done, what's gonna make you feel better? And I always forget to stop and just listen. So I appreciated the refresher. Cool, yeah, yeah. For me, it was just the definition and the word for the affiliative. Because I think it's very important for me and I didn't know how to put it in words. And that was like the biggest thing that drove me away from my PhD program was that there was on connection there at all. So that was really awesome. Wow, congratulations on that a-ha moment. That's a big one. Thank you. Yeah, Erica? Inspiring ownership is huge. One of my goals is to make things easier for people and so I can see that I could've gotten too far over on the making things easy, so I'm gonna reign that back and think of ways that people can take ownership in me helping them with their health. Yeah, creating their own meals maybe? Putting together their own recipes. Letting them build their own nutrition toolbox. Maybe that's an experience that will help them take ownership over that. Cool. I love it, thanks guys. Can't wait to hear yours at home, tell me. Absolutely, it's amazing stuff so far. The hashtag for Twitter is "people skills" and don't forget, you may have seen that our students all have the workbook and Vanessa's been referring to this. Doesn't matter where you're joining us in this course, this workbook is vital. Every day is covered but there's also some exercises here that Vanessa will not be covering live on air, so I important recommend that you get this and it's a purchase bonus. Thank you so much for joining us for this segment. We certainly look forward to seeing you again. (applause)

Class Description


Learn how to inspire, influence, and engage people in this life-changing program with Vanessa Van Edwards.

If you want to succeed in business, life, and love you need to master the science of interpersonal intelligence. Master Your People Skills will show you how to effectively communicate with partners, clients, and colleagues so you can flourish in all aspects of your life.

In Master Your People Skills, Vanessa will teach you the communication methods and relationship-building strategies that will transform your interactions. You will learn how to increase your likability, deal with difficult people, be a master conversationalist, and quickly identify personality types.

This is class has 30 lessons each 45-60 minutes that are comprehensive lessons, activities, and challenges to assess and improve your people skills.

You’ll also develop techniques for overcoming awkward interactions, avoiding toxic people, and building rewarding relationships. Not only will Vanessa show you how to be proud of your in-person interactions, but you will also learn how to communicate more effectively online — via email, text, and social media.

Here’s how Vanessa will help you increase your impact:

  • You will be able to command respect and supercharge your first impression.
  • You will know exactly how to win more deals and attract more clients.By the end of week three you will have learned the art of speed-reading people.
  • You will have mastered your presence to be more persuasive, likable and influential.

Vanessa transformed lives in her previous CreativeLive class, The Power of Body Language. In Master Your People Skills, Vanessa will go beyond non-verbal communication, showing you how to boost your emotional and social intelligence.  

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