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Master Your People Skills

Lesson 24 of 31

The Science of Leadership


Master Your People Skills

Lesson 24 of 31

The Science of Leadership


Lesson Info

The Science of Leadership

(applause) We are on day 24, the science of leadership. So yesterday we learned how to inspire. So now that you're inspiring people, how do we become a leader? And I'm really excited for this section guys, so I cannot wait to get started. I'm gonna show you how to earn respect, how to build your tribe of people who respond to you and you feel responding to them. And how to find your inner greatness. But of course we have a warmup first, and I wanna know what are the qualities of great leaders? And you can just call them out. So you can pull out those mics if you want, and at home I want you to write down what are all the qualities? Just brain dump all the qualities of great leaders. What comes to the top of your head? Charisma, keep calling them out. Confidence. Confidence. Inspiration. Inspiration. Good listeners. Good listeners, yes. Passion, yeah. They get the best out of me. Ah, they know how to pull the best out of you, which is combining leadership and inspiration. Yeah Maggie?

Congruency with like what the mission is and they live it. I love it. Yeah keep going. Warmth. Warmth. Decisive. Decisiveness. Yes we're gonna talk about bold-ifying today. This all comes down, all these words that were just mentioned, hopefully all the words that you brain dumped at home, is the power of tribes. So Seth Godin talks about a tribe, and having a leader that has a group of followers where you have the same mission. You're in alignment. A tribe is a group of people connected to one another, connected to a leader and connected to an idea. That is the power of tribes and it is exactly what we're talking about today. I want to start with one of the most powerful studies I think that I have in this course. Which is a leader's brain. They found that a leader's brain looks different than other peoples' brains. A leader is someone who is rated as highly transformational. So highly transformational means inspirational, visionary and charismatic. And they have different brain patterns. These are so accurate I briefly mention this in our live section, that we can predict with 92% accuracy if we're looking at the leader of a brain under an MRI scan. I mean that's nuts. You bring someone in to MRI, you're looking at their brain patterns and you're like, yep, this person's a leader. Just from their brain patterns! All right so what was different? They have more activity in specific areas of the brain. Here are the specific areas. One, planning and foresight. Much greater activity in their prefrontal cortex, where they decide what to do next. Predicting what's about to happen next. The handling of emotions. Remember how we talked about in attachment theory, how self calming is an aspect of the secure attachment style. Leaders are very good at self calming, taking in an emotion and processing it. Next, processing new situations or information. Growth mindset. We talked about how people who are in the growth mindset when they hear that they've got a wrong answer on a quiz, they listen very carefully to that wrong answer and they process that new information. Leaders have high growth mindsets. They take in information and they adapt it to their situation. Handling anxiety and fear. So we talked about Fearvanna. Self calming, self soothing, being able to name and tame their fear immediately. They feel it, they feel that shock or that fear snake or accident. They take it in, they self sooth, they name it, they tame it, they move on. Right? Not repressing, just shifting. Yeah. I had a question about that study. So if you were not considered a leader and you did some sort of leadership activities, would you then see those areas of your brain light up? Yes, so our brains grow, and that is actually what we're gonna talk about next. Hold that thought. The last one is they are much better at nonverbal skills. Reading nonverbal and knowing what their nonverbal does. Leaders are very aware of their micro messages. We're gonna talk about today. Didn't get to talk about micro messages in my power of body language course, and today I'm gonna talk about microadvantages and microinequities. Remember this is the exact study that you said that you can actually in certain activities light up your brain depending on what you're doing. So leaders when they hear new information or they're assessing nonverbal skills, they just have overall heightened activity for those actions or information that's happening. But we can change this. Remember Daniel Amen did those studies on the brain where we can change our neural pathways. That's what this course is all about, is all those things we've been talking about, handling emotions, dealing with stress, that's why we had the Fearvana section, is I was teaching you exactly what you need to do in the brain to be able to have the same patterns as a leader. So we're already there. The first thing that I want to do to really emphasize what we've been learning is called being bold or bold-ifying. Leaders are un-apologetically bold about what they do and why they do it. Remember planning and foresight and having purpose. Bold by the way doesn't mean extroverted, it just means assertive. So for my low extroverts if that statement makes you a little bit nervous, I'm not asking you to be a high extrovert. I'm just asking you to be assertive, which is slightly different. Assertiveness is the antidote to fear, shyness, passivity and anger, according to Dr. Mark Goulston, and I completely agree with him. And so this is gonna be all about harnessing our assertiveness in an authentic way. What we're doing when we're bold-ifying is we are purging filler words, disqualifiers, both mental and verbal. And apologetic tones. Have you ever met someone and you're like, "So what do you do?" And they're like. (sighs) You know I'm just a, fill in the blank, right? They disqualify, just a. They have filler words like um, you know, so, not sure, maybe, probably, actually. And they kind of feel like they're apologizing to you as they're saying what you do. That is not bold-ify. I want you to bold-ify right now what you do. So I know what you do is not a question that we do in this course, so we're gonna expand it. But I just want us to practice, because you get asked that question a lot, and I want us to have solid awesome answers as soon as we leave this course. So at home in your netbook I want to write down, what do you say right now to what do you do? And then I want you to circle any disqualifiers, any extra words, and I want you to get it down to one sentence. Just one sentence. We're gonna practice that right now. So I want you to turn to your partner and I want you to ask your partner what do you do, and I want to help you shave that answer down to one single sentence. No qualifiers, no apologetic tones, so at the end you can say, what do I do? I do blank blank and blank. Own it, okay? And I want you to do that when you do it, just like own it! (laughs) All right so turn to your partner. Do you guys want to come on up on stage first? Just right here for me, oh yes, perfect. Come a little bit further back, okay. So you might already have this. So Jason, why don't you ask Maggie, what do you do? All right Maggie, what do you do? I teach amateur photographs to step up their game and go to the next level with photography. I love it, here's what I want you to take out. You got a little high at the end. That's called the question inflection. It's basically asking what you do, not saying what you do. The words were perfect, I want you to own it. I do this I do this I do this. One more time, ask her again. What do you do Maggie? I teach photographers to step up their game and move to the next level. Ah, ah, that was good! Thank you. All right. Jason, what do you do? I'm a coach, I help people lose weight and get strong. Fantastic. I want to see your hands next time. Okay. We'll try it one more time. Jason, what do you do? I'm a coach, I help people lose weight and get stronger. Okay, fantastic. So the words were perfect, the tone is perfect. The reason why I wanted to see your hands-- 'Cause I did that? (laughs) Yeah, you reached out to her. It gave you a little bit more expressiveness, right? It gave you a little bit more emotionality. And also hands are our trust indicators nonverbally, so showing them shows I'm here. Yeah, awesome! Cool, thank you! How did that go guys? Great, great? Does anyone want to practice theirs out loud really quickly, really just owning it? Who doesn't want to practice? Because I want to call on you. Allie? What? (audience laughs) Baby you got to practice! Erica just totally gave you away. She was like, yeah. That was a trick question, because I knew that if you raised your hand you were good. It was the people who didn't raise their hands were the people I wanted to call on. So Allie so what do you do, what do you have right now? Oh I was saying like I'm such a mess about this, because my answer is too long and it's vague, and it sounds new age-y and touchy feely and I admittedly cringe when I say it, even though I'm passionate about it and I love it. So it's not that you don't feel it, it's the words that you're using to express it are making your cringe? And that comes in an apologetic kind of uncertain tone. I'm sure they can see me wincing as I say it. And that's a microinequity that we're gonna talk about. I'm sure they can see you wincing while you're talking about it. So just don't think about scripting, what do you do? Just what do you do? I help people who've had the same darn problem for so long and they've tried everything and they can't seem to move forward. I help get them unstuck so they can just get going. So that was actually the perfect content, we're just gonna shave it down a little bit. Did you see me like? (quiet groaning) Only towards the end! Only towards the end. We're just gonna cut it down a little bit. So you said, "I help people who have", I like darn problem. You said, "I help people who've been "struggling with a darn problem," is that what you said? Yes, that's my TV version. (laughs) Okay that's part one, you help them do what? I help them get unstuck. Like I help then finally find-- Uh uh, that was it. Okay. I help people who have a darn problem that couldn't be solved, I help them get unstuck. Or just I help people get unstuck. Because if I were with you and I heard you say, "I help people get unstuck." I'd be like, huh, unstuck how, unstuck what, unstuck why? You instantly get them out of social scripts. I want you to practice that as we go. We're gonna actually add on to this statement, okay? I help people get unstuck. Okay, writing it down. Yes, I like it, yeah. By the way don't get afraid later when I ask who wants to volunteer. That's not gonna be a rule for all of today. (laughs) So in action I want you to use this bold-ify. Networking events, meetings, public speaking, right? Taking the stage, getting onstage saying why you're here and what you do. Phone, email and social media. We have so many disqualifiers, so many filler words in digital communication as well. I also want you to go through all of your social media profiles and I want you to bold-ify. Anything that sounds like a maybe or a probably or I'm not sure why I'm here or I'm sorry you're reading this? I want you to take it out. Let's look at the next step, that's step two. Why over what. Simon Sinek has a wonderful TED Talk on leadership. He talks about how people are engaged and motivated by why we do things more than what we do. So we start with what do we do? But I want to expand on that. What how and why. Most people stay at what and how. They talk about what and how they do something, but they don't really talk about the why, and the why is most important. For example here's a typical kind of ad that we see. This comes from Simon Sinek. Apple makes great computers. They're user friendly and affordable. Want to buy one? Eh, it's okay. But it doesn't really stand out. You're like okay, an affordable and great computer. Neh. This is the what and the how. But what if you change that to what how why? Our computers challenge the status quo. They do this by being both user friendly and affordable. At Apple, we believe in doing things differently. Now that's a company that I would pay attention to. Yeah we address the what and the why, the what and the how. But we talk about the why, and I want you to do exactly this. Having a vision bonds people together and creates a common purpose for your tribe. The way that you create a tribe is you give them a why. Yeah they want to come to you and lose weight or get their body in shape, but what's the behind the scenes? Why do you do what you do? What's your personal mission statement? Skill number 27, why not what. So we learn 33 people skills in this course, and number 27 is about leadership in tribes. Know share and develop why you do what you do. Here's how we're gonna do that. We're gonna do that with a professional mission statement. So we talked about our personal mission statement. I think that sometimes, not always, our personal mission statement is a little too personal to share right when you meet someone at a networking event, right? Well I'm here to change the world and make it a better place and be transformational, right? They're gonna be like, whoa, that's a lot. And you're welcome to do that. But I want to make a professional mission statement for you that still talks about your authentic why, but it's not super personal or too deep, especially for my low extroverts so that you're comfortable with it. So we're gonna talk about what you do, how you do it, and why you do it. Here's an example, here's what I say. What, I run a human behavior research lab. We figure out what makes people tick. I believe human beings are the greatest puzzle yet to be solved. So this is my professional mission statement. It hints at my personal mission statement, which is to help bring out people's inner awesome. But I talk about that I really want to discover people. And this, when people meet me they're like, oh I get it, I get the what and the how. But this is what causes the real deep conversations. It instantly deposits emotional deposits into their bank account by giving them more than just a canned response. Anyone and everyone can do this. Let me give me another example. What, I'm a photographer. I specialize in bridal and new mom portraits. Most people stop here, right? They just do the top two. But when you add the why, because I love capturing a moment a new life begins. Could you imagine meeting a photographer and them saying this to you? It would be totally different then any other photographer that you've ever met, and you get to know them. Allie, yeah? I totally want to hire that person. Yeah! (audience chuckles) Right now, take a picture, take a picture! This isn't me though I shouldn't be like. (laughs) I'm not the photographer. Everyone always stops at just the what and how, but there's so much more there. That's what stops those canned conversations. Yeah. What if you do multiple things? I do as well to some extent. For example if I go to a blogger conference, I might change my what how why specifically for my blog. So you can modify, usually there's two maybe three at the most things you do. I know Ariana you also have this as well. And you have three different ones. That's okay, depending on the context or what you feel in the moment. Like if you go to an event or a party and you're not sure what's going to resonate, you do the one that feels right for you in that moment. Yeah, great question, I also have different ones. Let's try it again. So what, I'm a teacher. How, for ninth grade English. Most people stop right here. I teach ninth grade English, that kind of apologize. This actually happened with one of our students. I just teach ninth grade English, I teach ninth grade English. She was like apologetic, and I'm like, no, there's a reason you teach ninth grade English. Own it, what is it? Why? That class changed my life and I wanted to do the same for others. So when she meets people now she says, "I'm a ninth grade English teacher. "I loved ninth grade English when I was in school, "and I just love teaching it now." Right? And people are like, oh, wow, you're not just a ninth grade English teacher. Tell me about why you love it, what are you teaching, what about it makes you so excited? It gives someone more about you. So now it's your turn. I want you to do your what, your how and your why. And this might take a little bit, right? To shave down what that is, to make it as simple as that. But that's why you have a partner. At home you have the luxury of taking as long as you want on this exercise. So I want you to fill in what do you do in one sentence, how do you do it, how does it make you special? And why, what is your professional mission statement? And keep cutting it down and cutting it down so it's no more than three sentences. Here we're gonna help each other cut down to get it to the essential. So who wants to come up on stage with me, what two partners? Michael and Kim, you guys are comin' up. All right, Michael over here, turn to your partner, and I want you to start. One person start and do what how why. So who would like to start? I will! Okay. So my what is I bring a calming presence in a world designed to distract you. Whew, that's what and how actually. Unless you have a have a how. The how is through meditation and mindfulness. Okay, and what's the why? Why do you do it? Because I have lived like this distraction filled life and it's exhausting and it feels empty. Like the accomplishments don't really fill you up, they just feel like tiring. And for me having realized oh my gosh, meditation and mindfulness, that's what makes me feel like a human, makes me feel alive and grounded again. And realizing oh my gosh, all these other people, like they don't know that they have this inside them. They can have it too. Yeah! And if I can just show them how through this tool then they can get that. So how do we cut that down to one sentence? (laughs) I think we can. I think we can actually. Really? Okay. I liked your what and how. You said, what was it? Being a calming presence in a world designed to distract you. And do you have a title for yourself? Do you call yourself like a meditation coach or a mindfulness coach? Yeah I've been calling myself Silicon Valley's meditation teacher. Okay so I actually think you should start with that, because that kind of orients them a little bit rather well. So I would actually start with that one. And where. And where, actually yeah. Codifies your audience. Mm-hm, exactly, puts the demographic. So let's start with that. So what do you do? I'm Silicon Valley's meditation teacher. Perfect. Now I think your why is something about the sentence you already said, which was-- About being a calming presence in a world designed to distract you. Is that the why or the how? I think it's both, but what if you said I want to be a calming presence in a world full of distractions because it makes people feel more human. Or because I know how bad it can be. I've been there. Or because it saved my life or it changed my life, or it transformed my life. How does that feel for you? I feel the emotion in that. Let's try it, out of your mouth, how does it feel? So it feels like I am Silicon Valley's meditation teacher and I want to be a calming presence in a distraction filled world, because-- I actually think that's it! That should be it. I want to be a calming presence in a distraction filled world. Excellent conversation starter, too. Excellent conversation starter! Like do you want to write it down? Can we high five? (laughing) Yeah definitely! Yes! Better, better high five, better high five. Do you remember it? Do you want to write it down, or do you go it? Do you got it? I'm gonna write it down, can I grab my notebook? Yeah go grab your notebook. Okay so Michael, let me front with you while your fronting partner is gone. So what do you do? I'm a body language coach. I help use, or I help people get other people-- No that's not quite right. Well keep going with it, go to the why. Because I want to teach you a superpower. Which is basically what I stole from you. No, you borrow it, I love it. So I'm a body language trainer. I want to help people find their inner superpower? Can you say that? Because that is what how and why all together. Does that feel good for you? Yeah but not teach them their inner superpower, have them explore it. Explore it, I like it better. So I'm a body language trainer, I help people explore their inner superpower. If I heard that I would be like, what? How? Tell me more. How why what? But the how's not in there yet. But might it be better to leave it out? I actually think it implies that. Because you're saying I want to help people explore their inner superpowers. You're saying I want to be empowering. The why I think is I want to empower people. I want to help them self explore. I think it's there, but it's more important if you think it's there. How would you add the why? Um. Because it saved my life. You could add that. Or a work in progress on that part. You could easily add that, so try it. Try it all at once. I'm a body language coach. I help you explore your inner superpower, because it saved my life. So I think that that last part is only if you feel comfortable in the moment. Right like if it's a more intimate setting, add that last part. If it's more professional you can do the first part. And I think especially regardless of professional or personal, once you just say that first part people will say like, oh, well how did you get into that? And then you say, well it saved my life. And then they go, oh, tell me more. That's perfect, that's it. You have a possible add on if you want it. Yeah guys, I like it! Good job! (laughs) All right. Yeah? How do we feel about that? On stage you guys that was like awesome. I want you to write down yours, okay write it down. Because we're gonna be doing that all day today. Josh do you want to share yours, maybe? Just maybe? Sounds good. (laughs) Your partner called you out. Your partner totally called you out. (laughs) Yeah I was really clueless, and I had an idea, but I never really like deep dived into it, and I was really lost. I'm interrupting you for one second to say that I've seen thar progress. I've seen actually different times throughout the course where you've said what you've done. It's changed. Very very very slowly. So I cannot wait to hear, Joshua what do you do? Well I'm social psychologist, and I help you bring out your true self. I listen to your problems and I inspire you to change, and I don't want fear to drive your life. That is awesome. And I even think those first two sentences, if you just stop right there, you'd have me. Do those first two sentences one more time. All right. I'm a social psychologist, and I help you bring out your true self. Ah! Oh that's it? Like my goal is to help you bring out your true self. I want to help you bring out your true self. You could do all of it, but even just that, especially in a professional setting, like you've got me. I have a thousand questions for you just from that. Yeah, kiss for your Joshua! I love it, thank you for doing that, I'm sorry I called you out. Thank you for sharing that because I've seen yours come so far throughout the course. I've seen you grow and own that, own that statement. So I'm like, honored by you. Oh thank you. So let's do it step number three, which is high emotional intelligence. So we've been doing this the entire course right? This entire course has been about people skills and emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is about three different things. It's being attuned, not necessarily aligned. Notice how I talked about nonverbal attunement, right? Like putting your body so that you're showing someone you're listening. That doesn't mean that you have to agree with them, it just means you're attuned with them. So being a good leader doesn't mean that you have to agree blindly. It just means that you know where they're at, and you're showing them that you want to know where they're at. So it's attuned, not aligned. It's making people feel felt, and it's being emotionally responsive. High EI leaders Daniel Goleman has found conclusively, leaders who have high EI intelligence, they're more productive, they increased employee trust. The anxiety in the office, in their offices? Even in the same building or same company, their offices and their teams have lower anxiety on average. They have more team cooperation and they have a higher bottom line. So high EI, it pays off in many many areas. In an MRI they also look different, and here is the specific parts of emotional intelligence, remember in the very beginning we talked about they have this emotionally intelligent response, with nonverbal as well as processing emotions? What they think it comes down to is these two things. I won't get too nerdy on you, but neuroplasticity and micromessage receptors. So neuroplasticity is that their brain grows very quickly right? We were talking about like lifting muscles. Their brain grows, the growth mindset. They take it in, they highlight those neural pathways, and they try to adapt and change. They also have what are called micro message receptors. So let me talk about micromessaging. Micromessaging is a flip side of body language. We didn't get to talk about it in our power of body language course. What it is are small nonverbal cues and gestures that we make towards others. And these come out in the body, in the voice and in the face. Let me give you an example. So when we talk about micromessages, there are microinequities and microadvantages. This was discovered my Mary P. Rowe. She did tons of research on these little micromessages and communications that we send to others. I want someone, who do I want to do it? Erica would you mind coming up on stage with me for just a second? You just wanna stand right here. So I want you to please, I just want us to watch and listen to her answer, okay? Full attunement. I want to tell me about someone you love. Just tell us about someone you love. Oh. I love my husband. He has totally upped my openness and my growth mindset. We met when we were 19, and we've been able to grow together, because we've both had that growth mindset. And I used to be the most not adventurous like timid little person. (laughing) And it was because of like us growing and working together that, like I've gone zip lining and I've done all this awesome stuff. And you're here! And I'm here and I'm like up on this stage and I'm learning. Like I write earlier that my biggest fear was that he would die. And I just am so, I just when to think about him, I feel grounded and excited. Okay, so, whew. (applause) So that's probably like not the microexpression-- I have a really big mirror neuron, so when I see people cry I always want to cry too. But wait don't go yet, don't go yet don't go yet. So how did she seem and feel when she was talking about her husband? Like what was that, yeah? It was interesting, the first sentence she's like, okay, I'm here, and then she mentioned the husband. Smile started coming and she just like started to relax and started to be more expressive. Yeah, absolutely. Now I want to ask you about next question. Tell me about someone who really annoys you. I want you to face the audience and I want you to tell us-- You can call him anonymous if you want or just Bob, whatever you want. And I want you tell us about that person. So I used to work with someone who was very sarcastic, so there were a lot of like under-mindedly things that he would say. Like I would go on a vacation that I had earned and he'd say, "Oh I wish I had your vacation policy." And it's like, what, I earned this! Why are you even talking about that? Perfect. What was the difference, yeah? She moved way less. She was very like closed in and looking down. Right, did you see the different in facial gestures? Like, yeah? I also caught her foot going towards the door. (laughing) Immediately towards the exit! Right so we talked a little bit about feet. Good catch Michael. So when we are present we tend to align towards the person that we're speaking with. As soon as we start talking about annoying, your foot pivoted out, turned out, which is called the L shape when we're talking about foot behavior. That means someone has just disengaged. When someone opens their foot like that? It's like, ah, I'm partially out. I'm out, right? So either you want to leave the stage, you don't like talking about it, or like ugh, this is like a bad topic. What else happened, like face, voice, yeah? I could hear her voice get tighter when she talked about how she'd earned that vacation. Totally and I saw that anger. We saw it, her eyebrows pulled down, and she had these vertical lines, that's a microexpression of anger. Thank you for that, that was awesome, thank you. So the reason I wanted us to see that right away in action is we are going these microinequities and these microadvantages all the time. Here's an example of Stacy doing it. What I want you to look for is the microadvantages. The positive nonverbal gestures that she does when she talks about something she likes. And then I want you to see the microinequities. The negative nonverbal gestures she does when she's talking about something she doesn't like. And I want you to see how different it looks just like we just saw with Erica. What I don't like about I guess Dayton Ohio is there is some sense like staggering limitations. I felt that I wanted to go somewhere that was a little bit more open with culture and had some more art and you know a lot more going on than Dayton. (laughing) My dream job when I was growing up was to be an actress. I wanted to one day win an Oscar for some sort of movie. Yeah I really was aiming for that, and Tom Cruise was my inspiration, which is ridiculous. (laughs) because I still have that little bit of a bug of wanting to perform in some capacity or to act in some capacity. So I do think I have it deep down inside, and if you've ever seen me sing karaoke, you know that it's still there. (laughs) So what are the differences, right here in those two things? I point out a couple below the video, but just the feeling that you got. What other things did you notice that I didn't point out? Yeah? I don't think you pointed it out, but she sighed a lot more in the first one. Right, that's her microinequity for disappointment. Upset, don't like it, even contempt. So what they did was Mary P. Rowe had started to notice these microinequities, these microinequities and microadvantages. She wanted to know does it affect anything in professional environments? Does it actually change the way that we work? So she observed managers that believed that they treat all their employees equally. Most people do. Most of us think oh I don't show that, I make sure that I treat everyone really equally, as a boss or a college. I treat all my clients the same. Parents, I treat all my children equally. Right we say that (audience laughs) we treat everyone the same. And what they found was is that when they watched those managers on silent videos, they could correctly identify easily a managers favorite and least favorite employees simply by their nonverbal micromessages. Favored employees, here's the outcome. So yes we can all see it, but here's the outcome. Favored employees subconsciously feel those microadvantages. They might not consciously know, but they feel them, and they perform better, enjoy their work, and are more loyal to the company. So not only were they able to identify the favored employees, those favored employees performed better than everyone else. It was the Pygmalion effect. They didn't necessarily come in performing better, but as they felt the microadvantage, they were like, ah, I think I'm a favorite, I'm liked. I'm gonna keep performing better and better. The Pygmalion effect comes into account. But here's what happens on the other side. Unfavored employees subconsciously feel the microinequities and are less productive, less satisfied in their job and quit more often. So here's what happens. A new manager comes in and takes a liking to employee number A. Letter A. Employee A feels special and begins to perform as special. The Pygmalion effect takes into account. Other employees notice the difference in treatment and feel snubbed. This results in overall, because the other people who aren't the favorites, there's usually only one. Lower productivity, less teamwork and lower office rapport. And that results in revenue losses. So they find that managers who are not aware of their own microinequities have overall more losses, because they're not making that teamwork, that cooperation, that social lubricant that we talked about, the glue of success. That's why they lose traction. High EI leaders are extremely aware of what their micromessages are. What they found is that, this is the Development Dimensions International. They look at employee engagement. They found that micromessaging is pretty much the same thing as engagement. We talk about engaged employees. You see all these articles, what is engagement? What they're talking about is micromessages. That companies with highly-engaged employees experience significant decrease in quality complaints and they have a lower turnover. This one is the big one. 52% more likely to grow their top line, 52%. That's how much we feel those microinequities. So I want you to think about when have you felt microadvantages or microinequities in your life? So could it have been a parent? Could it have been a friend, a teacher, a boss? Where you felt either you were the favorite or you were the least favorite. What did that feel like for you? So I want you to turn to your partner, I want you to talk about it. Van who's your partner? You wanna come up on stage? I want to talk about this. In your notebook I want you to explore, I have a space for you to explore, when have you felt this? When in your life have you felt both microinequities and microadvantages? So come on up, yeah. Talk to your partner, talk about one that comes to the top of your head. Welcome, all right. So do you have one in your head? Yes, I mean it's a boss. You walk in the office and you're, "Hey, you got a minute?" And they're like, (sighs) "What do you need?" Oh, they said everything! And then you're like, I didn't even-- I don't even want to tell you what it is right now. I feel bad, I feel guilty, I feel unheard. Exactly. Ugh. Like everyone at the PHD program. (laughs) This is the one that you didn't like, right? Yeah. But especially the PHD program director. So he's very clearly low extroversion. Okay, so he doesn't like being around people. Yeah. But he would pass me every day in the hallway. 'Cause I like to get in early. Are you high conscientious? Uh, not sure. Okay, I'm just curious. I'm low neurotic but perfection is my-- High contentious, okay, so you want to be in control. Gotcha. And he like wouldn't say hi, wouldn't talk to me about anything ever. And you felt it. And I felt it. And you left the program. And I left the program. Thank you guys, that was perfect, perfect. Thank you for sharing those stories. Van, air high five! Okay. (laughs) So what was interesting that I just heard in those stories is that they had two different leaders. So one was a PHD program director, a leader, and a boss, and they both admitted those microinequities. You left the PHD program, right? Like you let it because you felt like, I am not wanted here. That's how powerful those are. I also want you to think about, and you can just journal about this in your work book. When do you show microadvantages or microinequities? Because this is how we stop them. What Mary P. Rowe found that awareness, the second you become aware that you're even doing it, you stop doing it. Because you know the consequences of doing it. We want to treat people fairly. We know what it feels like to be treated with a microinequity. It feels terrible. Awareness is the easy way to do it with gentle auto-corrects. Self auto-corrects. That in itself, one hour of training gets managers to stop doing this. Just showing them videos of themselves doing it, and they're like, a-ha, I don't want to do this anymore. So my homework for you and what we're gonna talk about in challenges is in your workbook think about when do you show microinequities? Do some self exploration, be really honest with yourself. When do you think, who do you think you show microinequities to? And how do you want to gently self auto-correct? Tomorrow because the reason why I end on microinequities is because tomorrow we're talking about human vampires. And when we are annoyed by difficult people or we feel like toxicity is coming or our boundaries are being pushed, we show a lot of microinequities. And so I really want you to think about this before we go into tomorrow. I'm gonna teach you the four difficult people, four difficult types of people. How to get along with anyone and how to prevent toxicity. Then we're gonna talk about persuasion. I want to show you how to be an agent of influence. The psychology and the science of persuasion, this is like one of my favorite days. I love persuasion and sales, and how you can motivate people to take action. Whether that's in your business or in social life or a family member. My challenge today, I want you to solidify your professional mission statement. So your what, how, why, keep shaving it down, shaving it down, shaving it down. Get it really really dialed in so that when I call on you tomorrow or on Twitter you can send me your official mission statement of what do you do. I want to hear exactly what that is so it fits in 140 characters. I also want you to practice bold-ifying. And I want you to go through all your social media profiles, look at your emails and see how can you take out some of those disqualifiers to own who you are. And lastly I want you to just begin, just begin, because this is a lifelong process, auto-correcting your microinequities. And we're gonna talk about that more tomorrow. So I want to hear what was the most important thing you learned today? What was your a-ha moment here in the audience? And at home I want you to tweet me, at me at VanEdwards or #PeopleSkills. The best most awesome answers will win my dating and entrepreneur course at the end of the 30 days. So we have some good ones, yeah Lacy? I learned that my why was missing from my mission statement. Also it's hard to make a mission statement. (laughs) That is true, that is true. I want to help you guys as much as possible, I also want you to help each other, right? Just asking for help, this might be your Franklin effect opportunity. You're having trouble with your professional mission statement. Think about who in your life is like really bold and direct and assertive and ask them for help. Ask them to help you do this. This could be your Franklin effect opportunity. Yeah. That the why is a good thing, because I always would go to things like networking with other engineers, and I wouldn't want to tell them that I did other things too. Because I didn't think that they cared. (laughs) But now I can say I'm a biomedical engineer, a fashion designer and a writer, because I want to transform ideas from imagination to reality. That's like all one thing. Oh that's cool! (applause) Round of applause! That's so cool. Who wouldn't want to know that? And if they don't they're not your person. If they interrupt you or they don't want to know that, they are not a person that you want to be around. But I think everyone wants to know that. That's cool, yeah. I just thought it was just amazing to see how how short you can make your personal mission statement and how effective it is with just a few words. You don't need to spill the entire beans of what you do, you can just use like keywords and it will really hook them into knowing what you do. Yeah, absolutely. Shorter can sometimes be stronger, yeah. And I was gonna say the minute we got it short down to I help people get unstuck, I had like five visual images that I could put on my website. Like getting it that clear makes all the other marketing decisions easier. That's awesome. I want to see your before and after, the website. I wanna see it. Awesome, I can't wait to hear your guys' at home. Send me your professional and personal mission statements. Use the hashtag PeopleSkills on Twitter. Actually my struggle is with the middle section. I've actually got the how, I've got the why. So we'll talk about that after, I'll share that with you. But don't forget you need to have the workbook to really follow along with this entire course. Doesn't matter which segment you're joining us in, this is really vital. And there's some information here that Vanessa will not necessarily be covering live in the video. So I really do recommend that you have that. Thank you so much for joining us for this segment! We'll see you again very soon. (applause)

Class Description

Short on time? This class is available HERE as a Fast Class, exclusively for Creator Pass subscribers.

Learn how to inspire, influence, and engage people in this life-changing program with Vanessa Van Edwards.

If you want to succeed in business, life, and love you need to master the science of interpersonal intelligence. Master Your People Skills will show you how to effectively communicate with partners, clients, and colleagues so you can flourish in all aspects of your life.

In Master Your People Skills, Vanessa will teach you the communication methods and relationship-building strategies that will transform your interactions. You will learn how to increase your likability, deal with difficult people, be a master conversationalist, and quickly identify personality types.

This is class has 30 lessons each 45-60 minutes that are comprehensive lessons, activities, and challenges to assess and improve your people skills.

You’ll also develop techniques for overcoming awkward interactions, avoiding toxic people, and building rewarding relationships. Not only will Vanessa show you how to be proud of your in-person interactions, but you will also learn how to communicate more effectively online — via email, text, and social media.

Here’s how Vanessa will help you increase your impact:

  • You will be able to command respect and supercharge your first impression.
  • You will know exactly how to win more deals and attract more clients.By the end of week three you will have learned the art of speed-reading people.
  • You will have mastered your presence to be more persuasive, likable and influential.

Vanessa transformed lives in her previous CreativeLive class, The Power of Body Language. In Master Your People Skills, Vanessa will go beyond non-verbal communication, showing you how to boost your emotional and social intelligence.  



This is the best course I have ever taken on anything, anywhere, ever. As an adult with Asperger’s, I have been studying social skills and nonverbal communication for a long time. All the books I’ve read and other courses like these I’ve watched prior to this one, didn’t even teach me half of what Vanessa has taught me in this course. Master Your People Skills has provided me with literally everything I have ever wanted to learn from inner confidence, charisma, making conversation, making a great first impression, being memorable, etc. Vanessa is such a charismatic, passionate, and knowledgable mentor, who has a real gift of taking her many years of research and hard work, and teaching it in a way that is easy and fun to learn. This course is the real deal, you will be a master after you are finished with it, and I would recommend it to anyone.


I have just finished day 13 and so far the course has been amazing every single day. Vanessa is a great teacher and I love how her work is down-to-earth, practical, very applicable and rooted in scientific research. It's not the usual "ra ra ra, I can turn you into a master people schmoozer-type courses" found elsewhere. Anyone that wants to improve themselves and have better relationships in all aspects of their lives, both professional and personal, should get this course. There is so much quality material in this course, I look forward to going over the videos and the workbook more than once in order to improve my own people skills. The course is worth every penny and much more! Thank you Vanessa!