Money Management LOVE
I acknowledge where I was on the wheel, (mumbles) green. But I will acknowledge, first of all, avoidance, for me, changed my world. Avoidance is, to me, why would you avoid money? Why would you avoid looking at your own bank account, managing your own money. Especially when you owned a business. It seems incredible to me. I avoided it at all costs. Like Tiffany said, it was cause it gave me pain. The pain it gave me is what I wanna talk to you about, just very quickly. Because this is what you have to do. First you identify what makes you feel uneasy on the wheel. And then you have to identify what actually the pain is that you feel. So whenever I looked at money, I just avoided it straight away. In fact, I put such a dopamine fix around money I would eat it, spend it, ya know, over give it, push it away from me in every way. I would just avoid it on every level. But what I wasn't acknowledging was how it actually made me feel, when I did look at my money, I felt like a uneducated lose...
r that could not look after herself. Incapable of running a business, even though I was, and paying eight staff. I was doing it, but I still felt like a fraud. Like a big, fake, fat fraud that was just faking it and lying to everybody. Cause, outwardly, I had this business that was making money. But it was not keeping any of it. I was not managing any of it. And I was not getting any of it for myself. So I looked so successful on the outside, but I felt like a fraud cause I was a fraud. I was lying on the inside to all of you saying, look how successful I am. And the best part was, it's I'm throwing money down like Daddy Warbucks, paying everybody for lunch, get my money machine. Like, look how successful I am. And inside I'm dying cause I've got nothing. Nothing. And to me, avoidance, avoided the fact that I actually felt so out, unable to manage my own money and business that I avoided actually doing it. And it still worked. I just didn't keep any money. So, Tiffany said the bank account doesn't lie. The bank account does not lie. It's that simple. It was telling me the truth. You got nothing. You look good, but you got nothing. Alright, and that's exactly what I was living. This life of, look how successful I am. Look at me over giving. Look how important I am. Over giving is lording over people. Look at me. I am incredible. I can pay for this, you can't. Dun, dun, dun, dun. And, still, giving it away, pushing it away from me, pushing it away. When I turned my avoidance back, I started looking at my bank account everyday. Everyday. Sometimes twice a day. I've had this extraordinary shift. Because I was unable to receive money for my work at first and then unable to keep it. And now I am doing both. I have been doing both for nearly five years, flawlessly. Now, it doesn't mean it's not a daily practice. The daily practice for me is, on a daily basis I will get a red flag around over giving and no boundaries. I still feel sick when I have to defend myself, stand up for myself, or confront someone. I am terrible at boundaries. I have no boundaries around saying no. Around telling people I'm upset. Around processing my anger. No boundaries. And it reflects, also, in my money. It's everything I do comes down to these things. Over giving and no boundaries. Now, they're big red flags for me now. I also have not receiving in guilt. And now what happens is, I call it cotton mouth. You have cotton in your mouth, somebody says how much is it, and you're like, $7,000. (audience laughs) And I'm like, I know I have cotton mouth right now, but I'm saying it and then I'm shutting up and I'm letting them pay me. So I say it, it still trips me up, it's still cotton mouth, but to me I'm saying it. And then I hear the voice say, don't speak. Don't speak. Don't speak. Don't speak. Don't speak. And, inevitably, they say, excellent. And then I say, how would you like to pay for that? (audience laughs) But the truth is, is the avoidance is my daily practice. That was my biggest one that was the one that just hit me the hardest. Just the avoidance of not taking management. Now, the question is, who did I think was gonna take control of my money? Was I hoping to find a husband that would? Was I hoping to find a business partner that would? Was I hoping that somebody, and here's the thing, the little girl inside me wanted my father to do it. And he didn't know how, so I didn't know how. And I'm still carrying this. I am unable to look after myself. I am unable to provide for myself. That comes from my family idea that they can't look after me. I still want dad to look after me. I'm 44 years old. And nobody's looking after me. Who do you think is gonna step up and look after you? And this is what I wanna talk to you about right now, because the second you're disempowered, somebody's gonna overpower you. So when you're disempowered in an area, somebody's gonna take charge. And if they take charge of your money, you can firmly put yourself, nice little turquoise area called resentment. Because, how dare you control my money! You know, the other day I went to pay something, a big thing for my business, and the bank put a restriction on my card. And my first response was, it's my money! (audience laughs) And then I was like, Sue, they're just keeping you safe. And I'm like, it's still my money. I can spend it however I want. Like, I was instantly reactive. But the truth is, is as you start to uncover, go into the feeling, where does it come from? Follow the root of it. You know, I had receiving block cause I had so much guilt and shame around receiving money, I couldn't price myself. I started a business where I had to tell people how much I cost. That was pre cotton mouth. Pre cotton mouth was full mouth paralysis. I would speak and I would kinda make this awkward sound that wasn't really speaking and I would have an unusual body sweat and temperature, because I was discussing my worth. Right in that moment, I was discussing my worth. And you can't price yourself when you have no self worth. You also cannot keep money when you have no self worth because, this is the biggest thing you're gonna learn today, money redistributes back to the people who value it most. And that is the furtherest away from me. Money redistributes back to the people who value it most. I do not value money, I'm afraid of it. I do not value money, I'm not worthy of it. I do not value, I'm not good enough to keep it. I do not value money, who do I think I am? I do not value money, because I give it away, I push it away, and I do everything I can to avoid it. Why would money stay with me? I don't like it. I'm doing everything in my power to get rid of it. It is running away from me. And that's what Tiff changed for me. She bought me back. Now I have a savings account. In the savings account is a number. It is a lot higher right now than I imagined I could say for myself. I look at my bank account, and my first instinct I feel in my physical body. I look at this bank account and I go, (exhales) and then I say to myself, are you worthy of this money? And my now response is, yes. I have worked hard for this money. And I'm allowed to have it. I'm not a little poor girl from South Auckland anymore. I am a proud, powerful, independent business owner. (audience laughs) And I can manage my own money. In fact, I will go so far as to say I have now gone past avoiding my bank account into full blown love of managing my money. I actually am excited about money now. Now, the love of money is the root of all evil. And this is where I walked into Tiffany and I said, I'm in love with money. She said, the love of money is the root of all evil. And we talked about it. And I said, no Tiffany. I'm not in love with money. I'm in love with managing my money. I feel more grown up and independent in this moment than I have ever felt in my life. I left school when I was 15, I do not have an education. I make more than most, in my small business, I make more than most college graduates. I know this. I do not need to be educated to be in business. I needed to educate myself in business. That just because I don't have a university degree does not make me stupid. Okay, it just made it different, about how I was going to build my income. And yet I did it. I did it without an education. But the whole time, I felt stigma, I felt absolutely judged, I felt stupid, I felt useless, lazy. And the underlining feeling was, I am unable to do this cause I can't even manage my own money. I feel more in control of my money right now than I have ever experienced in my life. And I must say to you, I have never felt more independent, liberated, or powerful in all of my life. Ever. Period.