The Wheel of Misfortune: Over Giving
Now, I need to make something super clear. I am 100% for giving. 100% for giving. How much percent?
100% 'Kay, so just so we're clear. But what I'm not for is over giving, or what we're calling over giving. So let's talk about the difference. The difference between healthy giving and over giving. Healthy giving is really ultraism, because it is selfless giving. I'm giving and I don't need anything in exchange. I am giving out of the joy of my heart. And oftentimes it's in secret. I don't even need you to know that I'm giving because it's selfless. But in over giving, we're giving to get. And most of the time we're giving to get a feeling. Because if I go out to dinner with my friends and I'm like oh it's okay, I got the bill. What I'm really hoping is that you will see me as important or respect me or see me as the big shot. When I'm giving so that someone sees me and respects me or thinks, oh gosh wow, isn't she amazing that she paid for this? Then I'm stuck in over giving. (...
woman speaks off mic)
I am an over giver. (audience laughs) I mean a lot of the--
I've been an over giver.
I've been an over giver for a long time now. (laughs) However, I would just like to say I am changing that and that is one of the most excruciating things that I've ever been through in my life, is the idea that I had to give people things to make them like me.
And Sue has done a complete paradigm shift around this. And it's what I'm hoping all of you will do because remember, awareness is progress. When we know better we do better. We're just seeing now, so it may be hitting us, like (gasps) I'm doing this. And that's okay. It's okay because just the awareness of it means that you're far better off today than you were yesterday. So how do we see over giving? Well maybe we start off with not thinking the money's ours in the first place. Maybe it came from a death or inheritance or you have some windfall of money and you basically don't feel it's yours so you get rid of it as fast as it comes in it goes out. Maybe we use over giving as penance. So in this particular case, maybe we use giving to make amends for something. Maybe we use giving to our children because we feel like we're not spending enough time or giving them enough attention. And so we're buying them all of these things in order for them to love us and respect us. Maybe we are using money to avoid a wrong decision. Perhaps you started a business and your spouse or friends or family told you you shouldn't do it. And the business isn't working and we just keep giving money to it. If I just give it a little more money and a little bit more money, then it will prove that I didn't make a wrong choice. I'm giving it money so that I don't feel this or so that I feel like I made the right decision. And maybe you use money just to prove that it's not your fault. Sometimes we see this with parents and adult children. The child is not doing what you think they should, they're not at the place that you wish that they were, And so you keep giving them money to prove that it's not a reflection of your parenting. To prove it's not your fault that your kid went that way instead of the way you thought they should go. And so I keep feeding them money to make me feel like I didn't do something wrong, even though that's your own idea of whether you did something wrong. And mostly over giving, we are sacrificing our finances for an emotional return. We're putting our finances on the altar in exchange for getting back that feeling of importance. I just need a little respect. I just want people to admire me. Now we're gonna talk about it this afternoon, because it may not be conscious, 'cause we have to look at what we're actually doing when we're over giving, to see if we're trying to get that feeling. But I promise you, if money's going out, to buy a feeling, it's blocking your money. Because you gotta get that feeling for yourself. You can't expect other people to give it 'cause they never do it the way you want 'em to. It's not their responsibility.