Overcome Your Lack of Boundaries
The antidote to no boundaries is loyalty to your own needs by saying no. Now this is the same thing as the oxygen mask on the airplane. What do they tell you every time when you don't listen? (audience laughing) Put the mask on yourself before you put it on somebody else. Why? 'Cause you ain't no good to anybody else if you're passed out on the floor. You're no good if you've let people come in an ransack you're entire yard, take everything so that you have nothing left. You're no good to other people when you do that. In being loyal to your own needs, you really are learning to close your gate. But how do we close our gate when the person on the other side is gonna cry? The person on the other side is gonna be upset. When I close that gate and look them in the eyes I don't wanna feel that pain. So the practice. When we have a problem with no boundaries what's happening is that empathetic part of us gets in the way, and in the moment we can't say no. But we all know where our boundarie...
s are tripping us up. If it's in a sales room with your pricing, if it's at home with your kids, we all know where our boundaries are having a break. So if we have a problem with no boundaries we have to back up and set the boundary a few steps before. So if you have a roommate that comes to you now for the past three months because it's the end of the month and they're late on rent and they don't have enough money to cover rent, and they're coming to you, "I just don't have enough money, can you cover?" And you say yes again, 'cause you can't close the gate, then we already know this is coming. So let's back up a few steps before and a few days earlier and go to them and say, "I know that there's been a problem with rent in the past. I just want to let you know I'm not gonna be able to cover that today or this month." And what's gonna happen is you have to decide that what you're gonna say in advance. So we set the boundaries sooner and we decide what we're gonna say so we're prepared, we're geared up. But here's the thing, you also want to tell them the emotion and their reaction that they're gonna have, because it's the empathy that's getting you hung up. So what I do with my two-year-old is when I need to set the boundary, I see where this is going. I've been here before, right. I know this leads to destruction in the house, so I know where it's going. I say firmly, "Now we're not going to be allowed to do this." or "You need to do this." And then I say, "But it's okay if you cry." I am preparing myself for her crying. I am preparing me; I'm making me stronger because now I am telling them what the emotion is gonna be so I've prepared myself. And when you do that with another person they also get diffused a little bit. Because a lot of the time we're reacting to make sure that you're causing us a problem. I wanna make sure you know this is gonna put me in a tough spot. I wanna make sure you know I'm upset about this. But when you can go to the roommate and say "I can't do this, and I know this is gonna cause a tremendous hardship for you this month," you can use that empathy to be there with them through that emotion 'cause you've already prepared yourself and they already understand that you know what they're going through. Now I will give a caveat, it doesn't always happen that it diffuses the other person. Some people just like drama. But it does go so far in helping prepare you. The workbook, what situations do you find it hard to say no in? What feeling are you avoiding? I don't wanna feel abandoned. I don't want my baby to cry and me feel like I'm a bad parent. I don't wanna feel rejected; I don't wanna feel her pain. Who are you frustrated with and where did you miss setting the boundary? Because remember we said in the first section frustration is the sign that you didn't set the boundary soon enough. So you're gonna be like a little detective now looking. If a boundary gets crossed, where could I have set it earlier? And if I'm frustrated, look back; oh, yeah, I did that. I'm frustrated with them, but what I'm really frustrated about is I didn't say no. I didn't want to go to that party. And when everything went south, now I'm irritated. Didn't want to do that thing, I didn't want to give them that money, but I feel like they twisted my arm, because I didn't wanna feel that emotion, and now I'm frustrated. So look at your frustration with people. Overspending, overspending. The antidote is acknowledging your feelings. Remember our 90-second loop. It's getting ourselves to the place where we can except what is happening. The emotion isn't gonna kill you. And it's only gonna hurt for 90 seconds. But you're making it hurt for a lifetime. Blocking that 90-second loop from running is just short-circuiting it. And then you think about it and you cause it to run again and it keeps running and running and running and you're in this constant state that I just need a break. I just need to go shopping. I just need to feel good for a minute. But really if we could just acknowledge what the feeling is.