Segment 22 - The Perfection Detox
I love this quote if you think about any of these thoughts ever like good enough isn't just good enough if I lose five pounds I'll be happy if I make a mistake they'll see who I really am I cannot afford to fail that I make a mistake what will people think of me any of those kind of I have to be perfect for it to matter I have to be perfect otherwise everyone will see what I'm really like if any of those voices ever talked to you that is coming from a perfect perfectionist line set and we talked yesterday about the imposter syndrome where I think a reason we feel like we have to hold on to that idea of putting on a perfect story because you think we're the only ones and I love this story I am with travel another they would talk about sleep yesterday and having a good night's sleep tonight when you are not on a full night's people you're low on sleep your resilience drops your self esteem drops you're everything drops and so what happened last year was traveling a lot like every weekend...
I know I'm traveling too much and I wake up in a hotel room and I don't know where I am that's that's a warning sign number one so I'd woken up at all times going go and present to you know quite a large crowd and I was just worn out and those self little doubts coming like who might be doing this what if what we have it's different to share with them they've heard it all before I have no real new moves you know tallulah on I walk into the coffee shop and I see a really great fellow present a friend of mine who always seems to have it so together she's got a child she goes back with the force from japan she knows who she is if she's listening she's got it dialed in I said how do you do it I just saw an aura of you but you always seem to have everything together you show up with the perfect in my mind presentation that perfect what you say is always spot on you have the latest research is oh petra I'm like a duck like what you me just honey on the top I'm just gliding but underneath how paddling like raising and I thought the way we get over this perfectionist mindset is recognizing that every one of us are feeling the same way smoke and mirrors and has going where did this come from? Where did I learned this from because this is in me way before I was aware of media and we grew up in england and the pressure then was I didn't have facebook or twitter or instagram or any of that stuff is very different and I suddenly realized we learned this from our families andi I got the ok from my sister to share because our family was anything but perfect we were the crate week I thought we were the crazy ones on the block you know our dad god rest him a little bit of a drinker and colorblind which is really bad because of your dad's a little tipsy but he's wearing an orange shirt and green knickerbockers is going really bad sense of style you see him coming from like half a mile away so growing up I thought we were the only family that was basically a disaster behind closed doors and I was trying to hold on so tightly to be the perfect kid the perfect dan student the perfect student not the perfect system we hated each other going up that's a whole different story but then what I realised going back you know, ten years later fifteen years later every other house on the street at the same story there is no such thing as perfect and I think to take the smoke and mirrors off this cause that I feel especially when you're working for yourself as a sora pra nure a musician create our creative whatever it is that you're it is a mom you know, a stay at home dad whatever it is fostering your relationships it doesn't happen from a place of perfection perfectionism doesn't help us and again we spoke about this yesterday the imposter syndrome now for some people we think that elements ofthe perfectionism that works for us people will perfect you know when I try to be perfected element elevates my requirements of myself and of others on a lot of research is now showing that perfectionists why they may really sore in one area of their life other areas of your life probably are suffering if they're perfectionist at work a perfectionist that work might be fun not lose what flourishing going very well but something often has to suffer to make up for that so I wanted to take a moment right now I'm going to ask you a few questions just find a blank page in your notebook on we're going to ask you these questions and feel free creatives at home take a woman to write this down if you haven't thought about it what does the word perfection mean to you? What do I gain from being perfect or perfectionist? What do we gain from that? What works for me and there might be elements that actually do work but maybe not the whole thing what aspects of trying to be a pretty no perfect am I proud of what you know is there a price I am paying from trying to be perfect? Is there a price someone else is paying from me trying to be perfect other elements of my perfectionism? I would like to keep that work for me another aspect sor elements of this that I need to let go off as kind like in our goal setting? Yes, they would talk about the witch, which things are helping me on which things too we need to let go of and again, this is not an all or nothing it's not black or white, you don't throw everything out that we have some things working, you keep it and I'll hear from you guys in a moment, but just sometimes I think it helps to hear my experience. What does perfection mean to me? It means I cannot fail what do I gain when I'm trying to be perfect? Well, my perfectionist side of me I get it can be a bit of a control freak, I think it does I go back and I think I do good work, I don't let things slide and I've learned now to manage it when I asked what aspects of my proud ofthe I learned to manage it without being unrealistic, so it is a little more optimistic, but it's and my work sides kind of optimistic to perfection, but not to the point of stopping me and that would lead me what price do I pay when I get stuck in my perfectionism means I don't do the work I get paralyzed perfectionism, the dark side for me it moves me interfere and the fear for me shows itself up as fight flight. Reese, if you're a procrastinator at home, I'm also recovering procrastinator just check in with yourself because I'm going to guess that it's quite possible that the reason you procrastinate is they are afraid of it not being perfect, and if it's not perfect, then people are going to judge us. But it's, not until we share our voice with world is going to make a difference, and it doesn't have to be perfect to make a difference. So for me, the aspect I'm going to keep it like I wantto check things a few times want to make sure I went through the slides like one hundred times, even though they were created for me beautifully don't want to check, I found in one of wandell tiny type o, but I'm glad I checked it there might be more and if you catch them online, please let me know but that's not going to devastate me anymore. I've learned to deal and manage and recognize when I'm getting anti procrastination lord that's normally affair are perfectionism and it's okay for not for everyone not to love my work and my reminder brace that we'll talk about later is it doesn't have to be perfect to make a difference because I waited for tea for effect would never happen does anyone want to share online creatives or you know not even maybe the whole thing but pieces that are working for you? I'd love to hear maybe what perfection might be holding you back because it's working you know and again posit psychology doesn't focus on the negative we're not doing we're not going to ruminate in this it's just bringing awareness to it big difference not ruminating enough in the negative but again plaza psychology we're not ignoring what might need to be fixed and it could be our our mindset a lion in the chat room joyous lion that's perfectionism for me is getting the details right that's a positive that's a great thing yeah that's lovely I can relate to that cause for me it's getting things right? But I think I that expands into getting the approval from other people and that's the area you have to kind of be careful right and again there's nothing wrong it's all in the details. But then when do you know to let go of it? When is it? And again, if we wait for knowing we're never going to know if everyone's going to prove it and then even if you put it out there on maybe we missed a detail because sometimes when you're so in the detail, you step back and you miss it, but so that used to mean to me that was a failure like miss one little things like no well, thank you for pointing that out. I'm going to learn from that and improve upon my work so oftentimes it's the mindset behind it how we interpret the situation but it's nothing wrong in diving into those details? Yes, jenny, because it is a similar theme, you know, it's the perfection that you it takes a lot of time to be a perfectionist on dh that's the price and then the price to others is sometimes you're so busy perfecting something you don't have time to spend with your friend's, right? But there is a price for the people on yourself. Yeah, you know it's, not community and sometimes if we keep it in check and we don't, you know use it as a value upon ourselves. There are times you have to really put due diligence, focus on the details, get work the long hours it's not always but again it can be really, really good and really good can be good enough, you know it could be really khun checked the details and it could be awesome but no perfect what does pays? I think what who decides what perfect iss who's deciding that, yes, jackie, I find that there are two aspects of my life one where perfection I don't really consider it protection I feel we have very high standards for quality it's a product development environment and then in a person the personal aspect of my life my dating life is either you know when when the perfectionism or the high standards of quality you could get in the way so I want to dive into that have a chat shower like oprah okay let's talk about your dating life okay? And I'm single for a very long time so that's the price you pay no exanta I'm kidding no yeah yeah no that's true so but at work they're we have a concept of or just kind of over the years you know we use that term diminishing returns you know you can you can innovate and improving review and read it and revise and go back and re create whatever you know to get those quality standards high and I've been there a long time so I kind of provide a model for that state you know? But then once it gets to the point of diminishing returns it's like it's not worth the time and the effort the cost the resource is you know and then you find that that sweet spot but in but to get there you know you're tenacious, you work hard, you know you kind of almost relentless and achieving a certain state of quality that will differentiate product whatever but then if you take all that into your dating life, you know you feel it doesn't tough it through them, you know? So you're overly critical, you know, maybe there's something better and like, yeah, that's interesting and the fact that you've noticed that though and there's nothing listen when it comes to dating there's nothing wrong in wanting the very best for your life but then again, that isn't anything perfect out that well and I think it also comes from a place of insecurity because what if I'm not perfect? What if I won't be you know what if I'll get bored of the relationship I won't want it had you know, like I said, good what's the word I'm sabotaging kind of we're jumping into the future morse is just being yeah the what ifs the water what if not that? What if it's what if this guy goes green? What what if there are some things that you know I'm not perfect and he's something that often happens insecurity I think for many of us it's um oh byron katie had I heard her say there's three people's business, your business, everybody else's business and whoever you consider up here's business well, they've got it taken care off, they'll have to take care from the south the only person's business we need to be in is our own on when we're busy judging before we even get to know it takes the light off us so we don't have to look at our own insecurities while I'm busy looking at what's wrong in them, so I'll catch that before they catch mine makes sense I've done that for years, not right now because I'm just perfecting my boyfriend's perfect, we have the perfect relationship way do it but with that it's it's snowing that you just show up and be the best that you can just learn to live in that vulnerable, authentic place and knowing that that person is gonna love you and when they get to know you off the shiny bits on dh not so shiny beds, so I think that perfectionism, when we shine the light on others, it takes the lens off ourselves that I don't have that make sense or resonates with you, I love it, we're gonna have, like, an oprah moment I don't want to sit down and get a cup of coffee and that's a whole different show father god, we thank you for sharing so and what that does I mean there's a death there's a big difference between knowing what you want in a relationship and then self sabotaging it's you know, a certain compromises, I think there's a difference between compromising and then just throwing in the towel there's certain things I know for myself and my partner and you know, a lot of people in relationships there's certain things that are non negotiable and then and the other hours your life you learn to kind of give and take a little bit and it's not always comfortable but that's how we live and we learn and we grow and you know, all the yummy stuff happens in their not so shining beds but thank you so much for sharing anyone else yes, so I I thought I always knew it for what I thought perfectionism wasn't allowed to write it down very powerful but being in control of my environment and of myself and what it does is its judgment and what I think other people are judging and how how I'm judging myself but what I realize is it it keeps me from becoming really close with others it creates this little barrier that I'm here and I'm not going to let people in because I don't want them to see who I really am and thank you for sharing and that the two things I want to mention when you write this stuff down it makes it much more riel and you have to take the time to do it on with anything whether it's goal setting when it's thing about your best future self whether it's gratitude the difference between thinking it writing it and sharing it is profound so just note creatives out there if you haven't got a pen and paper, I like to revisit this between thinking, writing and sharing different impacts in your life. But I think this is why I wanted to bring a light onto this and this for a segment, because we're not alone on where we think perfectionism it can help you in the details, and and you keep it in perspective, you could be an optimal ist but perfectionism separates us. It keeps our lives smaller because they're so busy trying to reflect a certain persona that when were authentic, we have the light we have the doc and that's what happiness is that's? What flourishing is it's? Not just a ll this life is not all this life is this. I just realized something we forgot to mention that you were talking about yesterday, and I just sorry one of those bang moments stress perfection just creates so much stress. True, right? And again, we talk about what works you and what doesn't it's not just stress. We need to talk about how you manage your stress, that's what we're showing in our generation, everyone's always been stressed, but what? We're not learning to deal with us, how we manage our stressed when you're trying to be a perfectionist. If the stress is showing up in your life at that level, that means something needs to change because that is not helping you your life for those around you as making a life smaller on water you john said yesterday, you know, what are you sacrificing in return for this perfectionism? Probably years off your life and when you put it into that that new stress our thoughts it actually affect the length off our years? This is concrete evidence then you might take action upon it and see if we can shift it to a more healthy place to be in I'm in perfect I'm perfect ring the bells that still can ring forget your perfect offering there's a crack a crack in everything and that is how the light gets in that's my anthem by leonard cohen I love that it's in that that thing that we consider our weakness our uniqueness is where the light comes in that our story photography beit starting a new job being gone upto hiking and doing your on the top of a mountain top being having date of the guy of your dreams it's not perfect, but it is so good it's in the imperfection moments that we learn it's in the imperfect moments that we stretch our courage muscle you cannot learn if it's perfect, how boring would it be if everything was perfect what would we have to talk about it happy hour so be a very short to be a happy minutes perfect see you tomorrow perfectionism doesn't give you room to exercise your courage muscle muscle or muscle your courage muscle on only perfect write this down really quick to go to your book if you would and they were going to start moving against I know some people on line waiting to move there's three amps here when you are perfect you tend to do three things and you're striving from the negative side of affection keep what's working don't change that but there's something that's not working your three m's we tend to magnify we overreact thomas take on flaws you know I couldn't find the word a few moments ago I started a few months I oh my god was wasn't perfect this whole two days is I mean crazy thinking but I have lived in that space for a long time all we tend to minimize when someone pays you a compliment we talked about this essay perfectionistic goal setting you reach your goal while the goal obviously wasn't good enough I'm goingto discounted someone compliments you on your hard work discount it was luck we discounts like the taff lan and the velcro and then the making up oh I forgot to call they must hate me I made a type of they must think I'm an idiot they make things up I had a lead on incident, not some dramatic incident no, I had something happened recently I was getting ready for a television segment and you know, it's really going to be tricky about what you talk about, you want everything through and I was, you know, not trying to promote anything, but I was asking if we're talking about energy and and food and I wanted to talk about nutrition and they wanted to have a certain bland of nuts and I did what I was just saying could I have this other nuts because I do represent a nut company? I'm not going to bring them up these long conversations and went back on the force, and I went into this whole puffer that perfect, perfect someone say the word from a perfection perfection isn't ironic what would freud say about that? But that works and I wanted to that mindset and throw me into really almost like interim a really dark place. Well, I did not handle this well that they're thinking I'm trying to sell something, they don't like me, they're never going to get me back on the show all this really I'm going to lose the segment it and it really here's the thing with these rivers, our thoughts, our brain doesn't always know the difference, they never go away, those channels don't go away, they just get a little drier when we don't feed them but I thought you could really fill up that negative channel very quickly and I found myself going into this really very not constructive place for me my relationship anyone around me at that point I was going to this really downward spiral and it for two days I was like what can I do to fix this whole don't need under there was nothing to fix I had made up this whole situation has forgotten about it they were you know several producers do this all the time okay whatever bygone shoe they want into another conversation with someone else that they had the same thing with and I talked this thing and blew it up in my mind I made it up and to magnified it and I minimized the good stuff that I could bring to the segment and the end of the day I did the segment and it was great in the last missus we love you would love to have you back anytime on dh I lost two days of my pie precious life on the people around me suffer bad with for two days I'm sorry michael but I lost that time just going into crazy thinking if you wait till this perfect it's never gonna happen and I just want abraham as one of the such a great thought leader it's like we gotta make a mistake we need to reinterpret failure and many times we get locked in that brain thought when we're sitting and that's, when those thoughts come through, we need to learn to fail, they'll tow, learn this tall would say, and if we don't fail enough, guess what it means you're not stretching yourself enough if you never fail you, you're not even beginning to stretch and when you don't fail you limiting your old opportunity for growth, happiness, self esteem and your potential, you gotta fail for the good stuff to happen and someone actually on my facebook page. Yes, they posted this quote, they watched the show yesterday and they said, I love this course, I thought of you as well. You got to see it tomorrow, and I just love that. Now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good and good is good enough. It doesn't mean ignoring the details. It doesn't mean not doing your very, very best work and then going the extra mile, but it also doesn't stop you from shipping your work. An idea is only an idea until you share it with the world and to share it with the world you have to repair. To fail, you have to be courageous, you have you repaired for you, not everyone to love your work. But we're showing that people who flourished and in their personal life in their work life are the ones that view the negatives of the negative experiences fleeting. We spoke about this yesterday. Look at the negative as they actually reverse it. They look a negative as well. Luck flies off on a positive. They let the positive stick to them like velcro and that's. What we need to move from. And then also we talked about everyone needs your story. Yeah, an imperfect voice is better than the perfect silence. You're in. Perfect story is better than the perfect story that's never being shared. So with that what we want to do right now is move. I'm thinking, because what happens is we get stuck in our thoughts and, uh, perfectionism and moving from perfectionism versus optimal ism. When we sit, we self judge when we self judge what happens, what part of our brain shuts down creative so all us creatives out there, we need to get up and move. Teo, move the thoughts, move the breath, move the body.