Aligning with Your Partner

 

Money Management for Couples

 

Lesson Info

Aligning with Your Partner

So what I'd like to do before I get into the seductive art of aligning with your partner, I'd like tio bring up a couple because we have the privilege and honor to have a couple here in the studio even though this amazing man did not start off in the course here he is, he has been working hard at home with the time you probably the few hours outside of work that he has to go through the manual and rachelle has brought it to him and she's been vulnerable and she's brought things up that she was afraid to bring up and things have come up, I'm sure am I right? Things have come up, so I think the audience would like to know what's going on for you because so many people have questions about this at home, and I would like to use you as an example so that people can learn even more. How does that sound scary? Awesome. Give him a big hand. They need a lot of energy bubbling up here. Thank you for being here and thank you for coming up and, uh, taking some risk. Is it important in life to take...

risks? Yes, that's, right? So they're taking a huge risk and part of the reason that they're doing it, by the way is one to help your relationship in my brain yes, ok. And my my other guests is that you want to help some people back home. Sackett always always cool. Okay, so are, but I'd like to hear from you first. Is that okay? Okay, can you tell me just what is your experience been? What we know is that rachelle came home with this huge manual and was like, ok, we got to go through this. I don't know how she said it, but you didn't necessarily agree to it or know exactly what was coming. What was your reaction and how how did that come up for you? Well, I think it's it was a little bit difficult because it was such a wealth of information and putting michelle get something that she's really interested in. I think you've noticed that she's got this natural exuberance and she really, really, really ingrained herself and dives in head first. And that kind of presentation could be a little bit overwhelming, you know, for me, because I've been dealing with people all day, right? And it's just hold on a sec let me just check in here is it possible that when you bring one hundred fifty page manual and you by the way are after you have done this course you're really excited you're ready to change your beliefs have already started shift your emotions have started to shift your decisions have shifted and all of a sudden you're like hey honey plop you know and you're very very excited is it possible that he or she might get overwhelmed yes so that's a great point because that's gonna happen so how did that how did it end up so then what happened from there so you felt overwhelmed go ahead wrote and we worked through a few parts of the manual together okay so I'm gonna pause again I'm sorry I'm sorry I just want to make sure there you're saying such great things I want to make sure they capture this so even though it was overwhelming because some people right might bring it and then they're overwhelmed they won't you know someone someone else might have said no I don't want to do it so maybe what did rachelle say to you that kind of let down your guard even if you felt overwhelmed that allowed you to go through that well I made the commitment that goes through when she said she wanted to take part in this I thought it was a really great idea and we've been trying to find a way to set their own and come together on money issues for several months now and I think this is ideal because it's some place that we can work from together instead of bringing our own disparate ideas to the table I think we have a little bit over assistant tio each other's ideas about money yes and this gives us a little bit more of it coming going to work on from kind of a neutral perspective that's that's absolutely true and that's how it was designed that's exactly how it was designed and most of my clients will say you know this having this point of reference or having this system you know something to work with it it's not your system or her system it's just this is the system that you follow it's been proven toe work so now all you gotta do is fill in the blanks that was a really good point great. So then what happened? She shared with us that she told you she told you something what what is your perspective? What did she say? Do you remember when tests to do and I came home and they said to you that I had to say that I wasn't one hundred percent but I was holding back remember that were sitting out having dinner I think that's what we're going to ask you about oh she said I mean some people she's cheap said some things that might have hurt your feelings I just want to know how you felt because she was being very honest authentic and what we realize and recognize is that even though it was something you probably didn't want to hear there was power in her vulnerability right? Because she she let go and cheat and she told you the truth she was authentic about her fears and a lot of people are afraid they're talked about opening the can of worms they're afraid even talk to their partner about money how do I bring it up? And michelle demonstrated that something that she did and being vulnerable work so I'm sure they want to hear because they're probably scared as well you know why? You know why is it that she said something that wasn't very nice and you still were kind of at her rescue to help and still be part of this? Well, I think the thing is that when you are in a relationship together and you make a commitment each other you're willing to go through the hard things you know it's not going to be easy one hundred percent of the top there are gonna be issues that come up and yeah got a little frustrating for me because I've been wanting to work on this for such a long time but I just you know, I was the last for how to be able to breathe something to the table that would be seen as collaborative instead of me trying to push my own agenda so what what are the challenges? So since you've had you've had some talks if you've gone through the manual you've done your homework you've done some things together what has come up for you it's um challenges because I know you guys are obviously you were just telling me you're having some challenges around money but first tell me what would have been the challenges in both of you of this process like what's come up as you've gone through this maybe nothing I think one of the basic things is I like to work together at the end of the day when we're built kind of tired on and this is so important but it's so intense to try and get our homework done at the end of the day has been really challenging last night was really challenging were built tired it was really important that we do our homework and we just had a breakdown in communication with each other and we were both frustrated but we both knew that it was really important and we were really trying and yet we couldn't come to a place where we could meet each other we're both trying really hard but it was like we finally just said well so exhausted we have to come back to this which is great. So you come back to and that's a perfect thing to do. You know, I have a lot of my clients who talked about avoider al right, avoider, alice, someone who doesn't like to look at their money, they don't like to pay attention to it because it gives them anxiety. Well, what realizes that, you know, one day when they're looking at that spreadsheet, remember the kim gyms system and you're looking at the numbers what I tell my clients to do because it gets overwhelming sometimes if that stuff freaks you out and you're you're, you're really committed, so you push through, you push through, but it's freaking you out, you need to stop because you know what you're going to do, you're gonna condition a pattern that you're goingto associate pain to it. So this is why this is exactly why I have the fifteen minute chat. It doesn't make sense because I have a limited a finite amount of time, especially when it's heated or it's emotional or you're not getting, you're not getting through it getting on the same page, it's fifteen minutes, it's a little bit different because I said, go home and do this homework, and you guys are really trying to push and that's great. And what I want you to make sure because you have this you have this program you could take twelve weeks to do it you can take three days to do it you can have fast or slow as you want what's important is that you do it and if you do one section money values could take hours right money values itself could take hours and by the way that's not the one chassis mice okay you just that I can do only fifteen minutes well if you're doing money values and it's been fifteen minutes and it's like you're feeling frustrated or it's heated or it feels like it's not working then stop if you're doing is fifteen minutes and you're like enjoying the process and you're getting through it and you've committed to fight figuring out your values then keep going you've got to feel it out you know intention rises you know when that happens so listen to it just don't stop because what some people will do they'll try it they'll push and it gets so painful now they've associate id pain to this manual right that's not what I want I want you to get through it so you do is some of it you feel good about it then even if you did a part that was challenging and that was heated or that was emotional what I advise you to do is go to a part that felt good well remember why are you doing this why is this important and what's great you guys keep saying it's so important what I'd like you also add to that is not just why it's important but what's it going to give you like what assuming you do this and now you know these money issues and I really issues they're just things that we need to get through yeah and assuming you do that all right then how is that can affect your relationship that's what I keep envisioning like it is meaning that when we get past this part we have freedom that's what I conditioning if we get over this when we get to this point and we get to clear communication then we have freedom that's awesome what I love about you too it's so obvious that there is there a lot of love here and acceptance and understanding I mean you have everything you need and all that fear stuff that comes up like remember that when I said thank you for sharing thank you for sharing yeah so as long as you stay committed and you were I mean it's so obvious these two are committed some of your homework I'll that would never happen with my honey who wouldn't be so understanding so if you think that all you wouldn't or she wouldn't be so understanding she wouldn't be so accepting then what do you need to dio if you want more acceptance you need to be more accepting if you want more love, you need to be more nothing loving if you want more understanding, you need to be more understanding that some of them might not experiences there might be a lot of of resistance and I talk to reena about this I said, you've got to take baby steps you know her her husband, she she feels like he's not willing to share like he doesn't want to tell, you know how much money he makes. He told us that, right? And so I said, don't push and don't try to make him robinson, you have to have transparency of the finances, we have to have transparency about the finances. No, no, you give him more love, more acceptance, more understanding. You meet him there and then you take baby steps and you be the example I just told you on the break I think I did on a break, right? I said, you know, arena. So what you need to do is like rena said, well, I want to get my husband on the same page and I feel like he's he's, not there. Like I say, I want this vision and she has big dreams, this girl and he basically doesn't act like at least that he has total faith in you is that accurate? Yes doesn't really believe it's going to happen go get a job let's let's like make some money that's not not top talk about this pipe dream right? So instead of me saying do the exercises get on the same pain, prioritize no, you're going to do those on your own and you're gonna bring things to him as it's appropriate because he's not just give him a book hit him on the head with that you've got to get this stuff right gandhi was appropriate so you have to start doing things and bring it to him if he's not willing to show you how much he makes, you need to show him how much you make honey here's my money mask look how much I keep its negative one thousand a month that's vulnerable I'm not proud of it I spent more than I made I made some decisions that I think we're good because I'm investing my business but I'm not proud that it's a negative thousand dollars whatever you feel I'm right here that but then I'm going to show you honey this is the confidence that he needs to see I'm going to show you honey that negative one thousand next month it's going to be zero I'm gonna keep zero and it's always here I know it's not what we ultimately want cause we both want we want me to make money and I want that's really hard to say I want to make money and you want me to make money were actually aligned, we we want the same thing right now. It's zero now I'm going to monitor my mask, his honey, I get it, you're not going to show me yet. So now, next month after that it's going to be a thousand and first you just tell him this is what I envisioned because I am so committed to making this happen, and I want you to be happy and I want you to believe in me, and I get that maybe I haven't shown you so that I can do it, and so I'm going to show you I'm going to show you so you could be excited for you instead of like, honey, we're doing this together. I'm excited for us, like he's gonna be like, dude, you went to some freaky seminar. She's probably nothing and he's, right brings up a really good point because one of our users says how much of the manual is individual so base, so that if you don't have a partner or partner yet, you can still set yourself up to be your best self, financially minded and free of that inhibition so you pointed out that but what's true about that statement that is like such a phenomenal question thank you for asking that so you can do the entire manual on your own let's take an example let's look at the multi millionaire self talk your own right but let's take something that's supposed to be with your partner and you are supposed to ultimately bring that home to your partner like the money talk rules to live by that's how to communicate with your partner but what is it? Who is it focused on you? What if you don't have a partner but you become more nurturing and you don't nag? What if he just nurtured yourself and you didn't ask yourself what if you just nurtured other people you got really good at being nurturing I'm gonna be nurturing to my boss I mean urging to my co worker whatever it is you don't tryto fix your partner so you like, well, I don't have a partner we'll do you ever run that pattern with friends where you're kind of like, you know, pushing them to be someone else, to have a run that with your parents you're like mom, don't dio you're trying to fix them instead of accepting them practice on everyone you know you will become the person that will attract the person that you want to be with into the entire manual on your own, but if you do have a partner you do it yourself and with your partner you bring it together so you want to do it with your partner but you have to meet them where they are and then you you do this like a little bit of the future pacing this is how it's going to be and you meet them where they are and then a little bit above I'm gonna get you where you are but I'm going to do these things as far as showing them and involving them I'm going to show you my stuff now I'm making and then you show them right I said you were negative a thousand zero thousand you show them now you show him I'm now keeping a thousand now I'm keeping two thousand and it grows and grows your income is growing look how much I make now honey, I'm getting like chills I'm excited because it's happening and you're showing him and then guess what? You start talking about your dreams but seemed like a pipe dream to him but he's seen these changes within you and with your money that's like so unbelievable that now he's going to start to believe you and you're not just talking about making a billion dollars you're talking about the thing you're going to do in the next three months is going to be huge and you're going to do it because they already started to do things awesome let your partner come meet you where you are so you've had some challenges. What is your biggest issue? Or what has been your biggest issue between you guys and money that I spend too freely and quickly? Okay, you spend too freely in quickly. You have spent in the past. Let's just put it in the past. Learned that one. Yeah. Okay. You used to spend too freely in too quickly. And then how has that been for you? What's come up for you when that happens. Well, it's, a little bit difficult for me because I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum, like fifty thousand dollars fell into my lap from the sky. I wouldn't buy a bmw by a volkswagen testing case broke down tonight have some money left over to get it fixed. But rachelle would buy the bmw. And then if it broke down, she wouldn't have a job. And then I make the money to get a fix, right? Right, right. Ok, so great. So great. That's. Awesome that I can relate to that. By the way, do you guys do the money types? You do that exercise? No, not yet. Not yet. Okay, call. So I'm not going to tell you what I think you are, because that I don't want to I told you not to do that. I said, don't tell your partner what who they are, so I don't want to do that to you, but that, by the way, would be huge for you. So here's a great example. Like what? To go through the manual, you know you've got you've got to just go through it one by one, and things were going to come up and it's designed in a way, by the way to go from, you know, page one to page one hundred forty seven or whatever it is, but you can go through and you can choose like, well, this is kind of an issue for me, like I feel like, and you might not know exactly the money ties, but I feel like, you know, I'm spent through sally and my husband's cheap chip and, like I know that's a big issue, because he's always judging me for spending money so you can go to the money type section. What was a con if you were money, would you date you way? You go to the money section and that's where you spend time, you can use us however you want, you go to the video and that's how that's the one you watched as a that relates team also you don't have to go through page one two one forty seven we're trying to figure that out yeah, I mean it's great if you do what it's okay, like go through what's most relevant to you and and what's going on in your life you say however you want it's timeless in these parts of it maybe we'll use this year in parts of it you'll use five years from now. It's fine. So that's interesting. So one of your challenges has been that you have have in the past just spent money freely and you are more sounds like of a saver and you not just a saver you plan ahead and you also anticipate challenges. Is that accurate anticipating challenges and you're planning in case those challenges happen. So is it possible that maybe if we're on a continue on a spectrum here that maybe you plan too much like it doesn't always happen like you might focus more on the negative right and that's? Why she was asking question earlier, but the difference between realism and negativity, right? But on the other hand, we've had several financial challenges over the last nine months a lost count sick cat have a lost cat, a lost cat on a sick cat and roommate moving out, and I prefer not to deal with the stress of having to find the money to take care of those problems on top of his problems, right? I mean, just the fact that you know the cap needs one thousand dollars soon medical toast is trust and stress enough and then what happened is she bought some some, like, beautiful is she just lovely describe some beautiful what was it? The cat carrier cat carriers and I know how much is spent, but she said that was a mistake. You said that was a mistake that I made. So here he is, this guy who sounds extremely loving and supportive, right wants to make it work and then like he's just trying to, like, just get through his own stuff of not feeling total anxiety about money and like a thousand dollars for a cat procedure or something medicine the testing, the testing thousand dollars dropped for that and then boom she's like don't do not check out this view cat carriers and she was like, honey, these beautiful cat curious you confined the user and he's like no okay what's great is that she's already recognized those patterns. So my advice to you was to start to recognize what's one of the things we've been doing is how is it serving its and recognize a pattern so a pattern of yours is to anticipate challenges and that's that's serve you in a lot of ways, I'm guessing you have money for those challenges, but then you want to look at what's holding you back because maybe they're maybe I'm just going to guess because I want to make sure to get through the content as well, but maybe like but you're you're living more in scarcity and you keep bringing like because you are always focused on what might be go wrong, and I only know this because I'm just like this, my husband is this optimist he's always thinking of how everything's going to be so great and I'm like, what if this happens? What if this goes wrong with this having them? I think that's not realistic, and so I say negative things, and it really pulls him down, and I've noticed that if I just let him dream, I could be going in my head like that ain't gonna happen. I don't think that's gonna happen. I'm a good go to the moon, have fun, I'll be there with you, you know? It kind of can can play along, humor him to some degree. But if I if I stifle that if I say no, that won't happen. It kills him because that's who he is she is this beautiful person who just loves to be optimistic and dreams and if you accept that about her and I mean I know you accept it because you obviously love her but accepting it would be to hold back some of your patterns in your fears thinking that might never happen and just keeping it quiet you're thinking that might not happen right now because we're not talking about how to make it happen when you get to that point this is exactly what we're covering here like what's it going to cost what you need to invest and you start to become realistic it's really more like a choice of whether or not you're willing to do what it takes and then you have that conversation just make sure to have that conversation after she's done her dreaming because and she's going to tell you instead of you telling her we're shells going to say you know what? I'm not willing to do what it takes to have all the money to buy cat carriers that are beautiful all the time whatever right she's going to tell you that you don't have to because of you tell her she's gonna want to fight don't try to change me I am who I am I'm optimistic I think everything is beautiful, life is beautiful and isn't that what you love about her but it's not just our fears, right? We're just trying to like we don't want her, you don't want her to get hurt and so you do that because you think by doing that it's gonna make sure to protect her and that's lovely, it just doesn't work like that you're not broken, you don't need to be fixed, you need to be accepted and loved and then she will tell you I've made mistakes, she will tell you, she's no longer going to do that anymore draw a line in the sand it had enough. I'm ready to look at my money. I mean, have there been changes in her over the last couple of amazing? Do you see how your future together now could work even around money, even though before it seemed like money issues will never go away? Can you see how this process could help you come together and become aligned? Cool? Is there? Are there any questions? We'll see there any questions with a couple before? Because they've been amazing, so on people to get a taste of what it's like and what goes on and how, how all this content that you've learned just starts to filter in like I could just bring back I mean, I keep bringing back pieces of content that's appropriate, right? Because it's all coming up so all you gotta do just go through the man, you'll find out what you need what's appropriate for you take baby steps. Progress equals success. Any questions? Questions that a lot of positive deepak back for the both of you, a couple of our chatters, goop and also fanny are just saying that you guys are adorable and a very cute couple on that. They're they're happy that, you know, for you to be here together doing this so just some really so I want you were not done, we still have the rest of the day and you're going to experience that. So you have everything you need to do this together. But I also just want to compliment you, because my guess is that if we had you up here a two very beginning and we didn't have that privilege and it's so awesome, by the way, change his schedule made this happen so he could be there for his lady right, and be here for all of us. So that's awesome, but if you had been here, my guess is just even the way they're sitting would be different, even the way they're talking would be different. It's, like he's, let his guard down because rachelle stepped up and let her guard down became vulnerable and authentic. And if you take one thing from that is how do I talk to my honey about money? If that's a big question that you're still asking and opening the can of worms, just do it wasn't enough. Then you just need to take those steps of what you can do to become the person that you are meant to be. Start showing up, take baby steps. You be vulnerable and you will start to see the guard will come down getting that is a huge round of applause. Thank you, weigh do actually have a question for you that's come in and I know that we've got more props flying in everything's rolling uh, here. Rolling, rolling, rolling now the question comes in from d koenig, who says robin has mentioned many times that she is not judging one way or another, whether or not couples keep their money together or separate. What is her ultimate belief? Or is it? It depends. Nice question. So it's a pen? Personally, I'll tell you personally, I really like having our money together because I feel like the morris together, the more it really is like this is forever and ever we are a unit like there's, no, your money and my money. Like it's just hours I don't care if you make it doesn't matter if he makes it or I make it or I have some and he is um it's just that this is we and as you know, when I came into the relationship that's how it wass I was a financial adviser I had money, he had gone through bankruptcy, he had negative and I say negative even though he wiped the slate clean as a bankruptcy he had borrowed money from friends or family and even though he didn't have to pay them back, he still had this integrity integrity that he wanted to pay them back and so in my head I saw like negative numbers over here, but once we got married to me that was a huge shift like I don't know if you're married or fear and just, you know, in a partnership or where you are, but for me it was that's just how it wass I just decided I decided that once we're together we're in it together, his dead or his, you know, whatever he wants to pay is is ours because we're in this partnership, so I like bringing it together but you don't have tio so it really depends on what you want, so I'll give you an example I don't think I mentioned this already my parents my dad made he was the breadwinner and he made you know over one hundred grand a year living silicon valley and did very very well my mom she didn't work she was a stay at home mom for the first I think it was eight years of my life and then she became a preschool teacher at a private school making less than twenty grand a year probably less than fifteen grand a year it was a much right and before before they were before she had a job the only money that they had was his money but it was never his money it was their money now my mom by the way was never that involved in the finances and to this day my mom doesn't really like to be involved in the finances and much of what I'm doing and what I've done has gotten her more involved to see see how it benefits the relationship and there is total transparency but I mean he's the leader and she's the support that's still how it isthe and that's not going to change but that's ok you don't have to be partners in the sense of the money rolls but it was their money it was their money the way she looked at it this is our money she never thought like I'm using his money to buy our children or my children dinner it was never like I'm going shopping and then maybe when she went shopping on herself maybe there was some guilt involved, but for the most part it was just their money and it was just they made choices and some my dad felt were not appropriate maybe when she wasn't working that she would spend money on clothes that he made he didn't like but then she started working and then it was their money which is what my dad's money was their money and my mom's money was her money my mom still to this day she's like, oh, I want to take you guys out I'll take you and trevor in phoenix out for lunch this is on my account because she feels empowered she made that money she had her little stash my mom is so generous she just donate she's the one that she is donating all the time like she she basically burns a hole in her pocket she's a giver because she just wants to give it all away like she just feels like it's great to give it away whether it's giving it to my kids like will go on a family vacation I'll pay for this this is for my account but that's what she needs so they have their money all together in a sense like I mean I don't know I think my mom's account is her account it's under her social I'm sure but like my dad knows exactly how much is in those accounts he knows exactly how much money she hasn't those accounts and there's transparency and when it's low he's paying more attention and like ok honey you might you know but I want to spend less this month because your account you only have two hundred dollars after two thousand dollars left or whatever it is and she's like you know she'll write checks and she does this thing and uses her card for herself and not empowers her and that is very important and I believe that for them like if they just combined everything it would not benefit my dad because he loves that just with her money she goes and spends it on whatever he doesn't care says it closes on taking people out going out to lunch of their friends like he's like great he was so excited to help that because now it doesn't have to be their money going into that stash so it totally depends and some women especially if you're not the breadwinner it's really important to have your stash because there's this inherent guilt these beliefs that I you know he makes all the money he puts a roof over my head and there's always believes that you can shift you can change but sometimes it's just the behavior so I know I spent some time on that but I know that's a huge question people ask that all the time and I want to make sure you get it is that clear? Yes, it also shifts the power dynamics to you know, I know that when originally on my husband I first got married we did have a shared account and when it was that way I felt like I had to ask him if I could spend something for myself or you know, on whatever and it really dis empowered me to have to ask for permission on because I'm very I don't know I'm the way that I am I'm very a powerful, powerful woman don't ask, you know, write a thing and so we had to separate our accounts because it was just too much of a you know a thing because I would like to be a catholic so you spend money on something you can ask me it was there was that struggle to write so that's perfect example so it really depends on what is appropriate for you and how it works. Well, the thing that that that is absolutely the most important thing that is non negotiable doesn't matter if it's in his social your social, her social, whatever I don't care about that whether it's together it's not what is non negotiable is that you must have transparency none of this secret stuff I gave the example of of sarah and joe remember joe committed suicide secrets, no secrets that's what will kill your relationship

Class Description

Strong financial management skills are a must-have for a thriving, healthy relationship — but conversations about money can trigger feelings of guilt and anxiety. Simple financial discussions don't have to turn into emotional minefields. Join Robyn Crane and CreativeLive to learn the skills you need to manage your money as a couple, without letting your finances get in the way of your relationship.

This course will teach you everything you and your partner need to know to manage your finances effectively – without stress, guilt, or conflict. You’ll learn concrete tools for communicating about finances openly and honestly. You’ll also build strategies for recognizing and correcting flawed beliefs about financial management. You’ll explore why money issues are among the most common reasons for break-ups and divorce, and learn how to safeguard your relationship against the friction financial disagreements can cause. You’ll also create a concrete, easy-to-implement system that allows you to achieve financial health by playing to your and your partner’s strengths.

You’ll leave this course with strong personal finance skills and an understanding of how to collaborate with your partner to work toward a thriving financial future.

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