Setting the Intention
So here is the first section you just want to set the intention and this is if you're gonna have the talk to bring it up but this is also if you're having your weekly talk which I'm about to talk about this is also if you're having your money date you're about to go into this money date or this talker this this moment in time we're going to discuss things that may be uncomfortable there may be fear remember david ana they said you know, she was concerned like well that he was going to be offended and mostly when she brought up money he was offended because she didn't know how to bring it up she brought it up blaming him you're spending too much or her fears like I'm scared you're spending too much like there's no more money out of all the anxiety so first you want to set the intention they're the three use unconditional love so easy so you're about to have a talk and you start before before you're like honey, can we have a stock even that first first sentence you may want to first get ...
centered on conditional love unconditional how often have you sent set that intention? It was unconditional that means there's no judgment it was unconditionally reason they'll blame it is if it's unconditional and yes, I'm accepting I'm understanding now great example unconditional love is a dog right oh my goodness moxie hole when I get home from this a little bit gone for a few weeks on income she's going to jump but a little and look at my face going crazy like oh I love that pours out of her even if I said bad dog bad moxie she gonna stop loving me no even if I did something terrible was I would never do and like gave her a spanking or sometime and I speak to before when she does something really bad but I wouldn't pay her but even if I did what wouldn't I wouldn't you saw moxie you know it would not even if I did what she still loved me or what she hold a grudge here's my fifteen pound dog holding a grudge starting to ignore me around the house because I yelled at her p outside moxie unconditional love so we played this game in our house called be the dog just to remember to give your partner love unconditionally my husband comes home and I'm literally supposed to do this come up to him I don't have to actually walk like a dog but I go up to him I give him a kiss he comes home I am the dog I go greet him at the door I come home he's a dog he greets me at the door hi honey I'm busy right now god oh you know it's ok it's not perfect doesn't happen all the time or not perfect but because we have this intention of unconditional love a greatly to practice it is just to be the dog I'd like to be pet how'd you like to be pet please my hair please I'll be the dog right unconditional acceptance we're going to go into this in a minute but do not change your partner you cannot change your partner even if you wanted to except who here she is all their faults all their fears all their issues except them if you're not accepting them do you think you're going tohave let me ask you this if you're not accepting them do you have a higher or lower chance of influencing them lower if you're not accepting them you have a lower chance of influencing them if you decided that you want to take your money to mastery to the next level to take your relationship to a rich relationship to the next level you decided that which you I'm sure have already decided then if you want to influence your part and do the same to meet you there right to be on the same page and you start judging I'm not going to accept you because you spend too much money or you know you judge me for not making enough or whatever the issue is he start with not accepting that person do you think you're going to be able to influence them way what do you do when you feel judged rebel what else you could you continue contract to restrain you contract restrain hide scam like I if I if I feel like someone not accepting me I feel like my husband's not accepting me I just I can't be there my go to is to escape luckily my husband hardly ever does that he is so accepting I'm the one that sometimes message leavitt I make a lot more mistakes in the accepting area I make those mistakes ok you're not going to be perfect yourself permission to be okay you know you're good enough you're trying to get better you're growing your growing as long as you're not dying you're growing in your relationship can start to thrive understanding you know so many people come to me I actually I have a radio show and I got a call that we have callers and all that I had I had a call and she she called and she said, oh what you said about money and relationships you know, money breaking up relationships is so true my husband he would hasn't made money in years and he's spending all this money and I finally said enough is enough and I left and I I'm gone my husband my my kids are old enough now that I don't have to, you know I don't have to take that any more and look, I'm not telling you every relationship is going to work out and maybe your patterns are not going to work together like maybe it's, just your goals and your your values and everything that's important to you isn't totally in line and maybe it won't work out, but there was no understanding like, I don't know what is going through, but what if she just underst like, how this heart feel understanding like I know what you're going through? I mean, just imagine the story with jo, right? If he was like in this example, he didn't have a job, he was getting more and more credit cards try to pay for the life so that he thought his wife wanted to live, they didn't tell her because just like this other guy I just mentioned, you know, if your if your spouse isn't going to accept you and understand where you're at, then of course you're going to try to hide from it, right? Yeah, also in compass going back to that story of of joe that you had shared is also encompass that unconditional love for self, yes and acceptance and raced every point three point I mean, that is that's huge all right, then on my nose, I should totally say about back style now, but that's huge, I mean you know we're focused a lot about you and now focus more on how you interact with your partner but you're absolutely right I mean it's so easy I mean, we did this right with the little girl right? You are another little boy or girl I mean the way we treat ourselves is horrible so harsh so I'm going to show love to yourself unconditional acceptance even if you're not making the money that you want to make understanding I am where I am and I'm not going to stand for it and stay here and do nothing so you're not accepting it and this accepting the thing the circumstance but you're accepting yourself for who you are right? You're understanding where you are and you're letting yourself be free because of it makes something awesome okay here the six money talk rules to live by its all they're all outs we're going to have a conversation here okay? I want to read you this is on page ninety seven thank you for that so in ninety seven was going to read this to you and just think about it okay was in your manual you have similar stuff going on in your book that you can read and just get motivated you may think that telling your partner what to do will help but you have to ask yourself how has nagging worked for you or your partner in the past trust me, nagging doesn't work so the next time you feel the need to condemn or judge or snark about an expense or get a job already bite your tongue remember you don't like to be nagged, and neither does your honey nurture don't nag also talk about the five languages of love I did not make up the five languages of love I didn't even put put it up on the screen or anything you can this great book a great book, you should get that forget the author, but very, very awesome. Now, if you really want to nurture your partner and just like I was telling rina you want to nurture them and give them love in a way that they they like to be loved, right? Not just in the way that you like to be loved her, that you think will make them feel, why don't they feel that I just looked into their eyes in a loving way? You should feel love, right? That may be how you feel love, but maybe not how she feels loved so the five languages on give this to you, these air really, really valuable, so we already said acts of service right, words of affirmation was another one I had mentioned gifts, quality time and physical touch this is in your man I'm not gonna write it down is the new man on page ninety seven it's right under that part where it says really with blank so when your manuals has really listened to your partner acknowledge your partner give your partner a loving touch and then they have the examples here gifts quality of time words of affirmation acts of service or physical touch I'm just gonna spend it a few minutes on this so you can try to figure out if you don't know already what your partner's languages of love are the top languages gifts if your partner you know when you get your partner's gift like here she gets so happy and getting a feel so loved right maybe that's it now you best way to find out what the best way to find out what your partner's languages of love our dr try it one better way haven't take clips yeah it's this isn't a quiz but yeah you get frequent online like this is not okay so the free quiz online or you could just look at these words and you know figure it out pretty easily so awesome so quality time as definitely a language of love for me I mean my husband I just so you know we work at home we both work from home we worked together a lot because he's always helping me with my stuff and I'm always helping him with his him his stuff and we spend a lot of quality time but sometimes it's all business stuff and it's not really quality I wouldn't call it quality then I feel like I haven't seen him in weeks even though we've been spending every waking moment together so quality time is different than time if that is important to your partner you want to spend quality time with him or her words of affirmation man my honey loves this you are awesome you're selling me using honey for this thing right now you were so amazing I love you gosh is just like you know I'm the man probably would do that dance too it feels so good and sometimes honestly I forget to tell him and he hears me on the phone talking to my friends or tie talking to my parents and I'm like oh trevor so amazing he was helping me with my manual and it looks so good I'm so lucky to have me help me all the time yeah it's so amazing and he's like do you think you can tell me that every once in a while there's some really I'm on stage I'm like all the others like my husband he is incredible this guy like why don't they tell him that I don't know why it's more uncomfortable or something so I got to keep working on it so I'm gonna be perfect but imagine you're bringing up this talk you start talking about money right? And you want your party to feel accepted when your partner feel loved. So you nurture don't act it's very simple. I'm not gonna read all of it. You got the manual, right? Here's, what you can do right now write this down right now. Ok? In your manual, page ninety eight, how could you be more nurturing to improve your relationship? You may not know exactly the languages of love. My husband it's words of affirmation, physical touch and acts of service. So I joke that if I was saying, honey, you're awesome while doing the dishes and giving him a loving nut, she'd be super excited feel totally left. How could you be more nurturing to improve your relationship? Well, this is how conveying more nurturing and privy relationship you get the point. How could nagging ruin your relationship? We're trying to get some leverage here and then ask your partner so you can take the quiz online. That's awesome there's a quiz or you can just, you know, have him rate or her rated the love languages order of importance this is in your manual say little visual here so and then based on your partner's top to love languages, what's your new success formula this is your personal money mastery roadmap personal, personal, personal loses, customized there's stuff I do with my private clients to figure out what personal can you do so that you have success success in your relationship success with your money so let's get some examples here who's ready? Erica um I know quality time was a big one for okay and he really likes to get outside and go hiking and such so I can plan different hikes or outdoor activities to together we're going camping this weekend and the people we're going with can't go such as the two of us so I can plan more like there's kayaking and there's things that I can put into place cool that sounds really fun exciting is a well when you start to think about how you can really make your partner feel loved and you're like imagining what it would be like when you know she feels that way and when you do that you bring on that gift or you know it is just like telling you depends on their language of love right? You know there's valentine's day people think bring chocolate and flowers and I'm like I don't really care about it it's like I just want to be with few honey I want you to tell me I lost him I am right so really depends that's great example rina something that well I talked about before acts of service yeah our what in what can you do? Yeah did you decide uh well yeah I mean I do I think part of the I think for me it's like it's so focused in on my own stuff that I have going on is I have a lot of stuff um you used to have a lot of stuff huh e don't know if I used okay so weird about that okay look look what it's like why menopause you rusher okay this is an ongoing process you keep telling yourself I have a lot of stuff you're gonna have a lot of stuff all right it's time to be done with all the stuff because the truth is we all have a lot of stuff right now cares you got issues you got issues you got issues I have issues you have issues except him change him and move on songs you keep telling yourself that you're gonna fall back into your pattern right no longer stand for that keep going sidebar yes yeah, she could think about that a lot of stuff um is I'm working on myself to be a better person okay? I'm working on myself to be a better person that basically means you have stuff that you're not happy with and you're working how awesome you're working on yourself to be about a person cool good one I'm sure that going uh worth of information which I actually I don't and the funny thing is he said he tells me what he wants you know how I am with my my husband to my feels weird because then it's like ok honey, I'll do that but then it feels canned he doesn't matter doesn't matter did it anyway way that's really, really important that's so important like I'm all about I like to cook but I like to eat like one food is on the table and ready to go and that's how I grew up so that's why I'm like that you know it was six thirty we had dinner and it's just always the same pattern not always, but this is the same pattern is that my mom? She cooked the dinner and my dad would be in his office and I'd be like honey dinner's ready and he would like like, is it on the table? You know like you waiting till it has to be the moment my mother just kind of, you know, going over dinner it's sunny it's ready but we would eat at six thirty every night and that was like how, how it worked and really important to my mom that the whole family was there at the same time eating dinner together and for me like that's the same that we don't eat at six thirty every night often times nine o'clock but we when when I have dinner ready and I oftentimes cook he does too sometimes but often cooked and I'm like honey it's ready to play that same game like he wants to wait till the very last second, like, are you might? But then he comes in, and I feel first of all, I feel love just when he comes in, when it's hot like that makes me feel loves, and you're going to learn the daily questions and one of the questions that we ask every single night we've done this for the last three years is what makes you feel loved so that we keep remembering how, because how do you know what they tell you? And so I told my heart, like, so he starts eating and stuff, and I'm like, honey, can you tell me it's, delicious and really the perfect ingredients, like I gave him a line once, like, wow, this is the perfect ingredients of and just taste so delicious and he's like, wow, this is the perfect ingredients taste so delicious, and I'm like, thank you, and it may be a feel good even though I came off the line and you know, sometimes I'm just like I need I needed to tell me that I'm awesome and he's like you're awesome and just ready that line and it's still feels good, so it's totally can, but how are you supposed to know what does saying what to do if they don't tell you so just do it it still makes you feel good and the cool thing is is that you start to train yourself so now I know like now he will sit down to dinner like this is years later and he's like this is the perfect ingredients, you know, that's the language I use so he's like perfect ingredients awesome like I like to hear perfect it's really cool so now he knows how do you use that language to make me feel good? I love like places my hair and sometimes I'm like, honey, can you play with my hair? Uh huh, like a dog, right? So I tell him that because I want I want experience it so first of all, what that means to me, if you aren't get it receiving that, that means you also aren't good at telling him so that you can receive it so he probably doesn't know how to make you feel loved because you're afraid that if I tell him and he's going to tell he's going to do it's going to feel canned, you have this belief that's just a belief yeah, like it's not authentic, yeah, no, get rid I believe who bears yeah, tell him what you he needs to do, let him win right especially men out there you know they just want to win they wanted to what you want them to do and they don't know what to down just tell me, lady, what did I do? I don't know what you're thinking, you crazy woman wait tell me where that reset button is on your husband where he knows like the food is still warm and and I'm not take lingering around like my husband does that where I'm like it's ready and he's like ok and I'm like five minutes and unlike you, I know and I try to give I try to give warning after warning like the countdown, right? You're like five minutes honey, two minutes on ending is ready it's ready it's on the table and that warning doesn't seem to matter, right? So, yes, I don't know the magic formula because he doesn't always do it, but it does help to remind him that it makes me feel loved when it comes to the table on the dinner is ready so that's that's one key and uh yeah other than that is to also to allow him to run his own pattern and that might be that he comes a little bit late and like if you can just change the meaning like I used to really believe now my husband says food time is happy time my husband had to train me about that because I used to get super anxious like I wanted to eat what I get really really hungry like I need to eat and when I need to eat if I don't eat I feel grumpy green just by the way angry that's all I remember that so if I don't if I don't get unlike now it's now it's like we've reached the threshold he's like oh no it's over the threshold oh no no no eat and he's like I don't care if then there's ready eat please eat and he told me remember he he interrupts my pattern all the time food time is happy time so sometimes I need to let go of making him come to the table exactly when I want to eat right yeah and also respecting the other person's rhythms and patterns and their sense of timeliness and practicing patient yes but because we're talking a lot about the spoken word as the affirmation but texas lady says my partner's big on written words I often text him in the middle of the day totally unwarranted to tell him how amazing wow that is so awesome that reminds me of another story about keith cunningham I told you about the rich dad rich dad poor dad um he met his now wife and when he was like he had learned from past relationship that he wants to make sure that you know, his wife always feels love. And so on their first day, he like he was excuse me, circuit like he really had a strong connection. He knew he wanted to be with this woman, and he was like, excuse me, waiter, can I get a piece of paper? You know, they gave him, like, a menu or something like that to write on the back up and he's, like, tell me what makes you feel loved. Just talk, right? And it is, like twenty minutes later, you had all these things written down and he's like, ok, I got the formula figured out, and one of the things was that I feel love when I get a note every single day. Now some people might say, well, I'm not gonna do that that's a lot of work I'm doing now and so he writes her a post it note. I love you every day she gets a note if he's out of town, he sends a text every day she gets a note, I put a card, I put a card in his pocket so he finds it on his way to work. Yeah. That's really, really cute.