Money Talk Rules to Live By
probably the two most emotional things in life. I would venture to say that those two most emotional things in life are money and relationships, right? What happens when you're totally in love with someone and they break up with you unexpectedly, right? I mean, you may react to say, cool. That was best thing that ever have to me. Awesome. This, you know, dude or this girl was awful for me. But it's so emotional, right? And money. We've talked about emotions and money. It's so charged. So now it's How do we bring those two things together? And even though, yes, we're talking about how to communicate with your partner, who's the one communicating with your partner, you write you and not ah, the one that he's having an affair with money rates. So communication. This is in the second key communication. This is the second part of it, right? We did communication with yourself how important it is to have that multi millionaire self talk. And now it's the second part of communication, which is...
all about you and your honey. And as my husband always says, especially when I mumble or say something that totally is out of the blue and makes no sense, which happens a lot, he says. The measure ever your communication is how it is received, not how it is given. So remember yesterday when I asked you a question and you didn't respond And I was like, OK, that was my fault, not yours. There's three people here. It's pretty good proof to show me that That was how I communicated to you, not how you know not how you were getting the communication. Also, my husband likes to remind me that oftentimes what you what you say is interpreted it in a different way like my husband will say, Well, it doesn't really matter like it's so important to me and I'm like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, What's truth? Like I'm a woman. I think he's making up all these things in this head that are really going on, that he's not telling me because they're all these things in my head and I'm not telling him. So we tend to make things up. So this is gonna put you on a path to having this communication where it could be received well and it could be given well and so right now, even though it's with your partner, it comes from you always does, right? So whomever is watching right now and this has been a big, big question that keeps coming up. And I'm glad we're finally here because I want to make sure you get this stuff is opening the can of worms. How do I open the can of worms before I tell you how might tell you a little story. So when I was about well, when I was growing up, start there. When I was growing up, we had some family friends and it was my mom's best friend. I'm gonna call her Sarah, and we used to go there and play, you know, all the time with the kids. They had two boys and one of the boys was about my brother's age, and we used to go over there, and they had this huge dog called Shaggy. Was this huge argument? If I put moxie next to this dog, it would look like a horse. The dog was huge and go in really, really shaggy, like that's how it got its name. And so we go over there all the time, and I remember this one time is probably five years old. I still don't know why they had a slide like this, but they had a wooden slide. And maybe it was that it wasn't finished because I don't remember the details. All I know is that I decided to go in the backyard and, you know, the parents were inside and I decided to go down the slide, and I went down the slide and I got splinters all throughout my bottom, and it was awful. And I remember going into the bathroom and the father, I'm going to call him Joe. The fall like I was, my dad wasn't there. I guess my mom didn't know how to pull splinters out of my but it's like you never say like, I'm pulling this out it like it's usually figure tip that this was literal. Um, and so I leaned over the toilet and, you know, I had kind of like, like this. And my bottom is up five years old, totally embarrassed. And the husband sweet thing that he waas he just pulled out. Splinter by splinter there Probably 100 splinters in my bottom and such. And I'm telling that just cause it's kind of silly, but also to just think about the kind of person who would take the time, you know? And it wasn't the, you know, some other things. Stereotypes of the mom. You know, she takes care of the kids and stereotypes, right? A stereotype. But he was so loving and so carrying. And I always saw him in his wife like he was just He was always kind of putting his arm around Sarah, always just loving her, loving her and giving, giving giving is such a giving man. And what we didn't know was that they had some challenges. In fact, Sarah didn't know what was going on his head because he wasn't communicating. And even though it seemed like everything was great, I mean, they lived in the Bay Area in the South Bay. They had a beautiful, huge house. You know, the the kids had stopped. I mean, there was no scarcity, was all abundance. At least that's what she thought. And what happened waas is that, um talk about the money rolls, right. Uh, Joe, he took care of all the money, and she just said Okay, cool. Like he is doing a great job. She didn't need to know what was going on. She trusted him, and she just bought things, You know, she took care of the family, kind of. And he was the provider, right? And he took care of the finances, and he was the breadwinner. Um, and she was just going about life, thinking everything was great in that relationship was great. And she loved him dearly. And but we didn't know was that things weren't great. And in fact, Joe had lost his job. And he had been for years struggling with money. And it had gotten so bad they weren't able to pay their bills. They were going from credit card credit card. I say they, but Sarah knew nothing about this. She gave her credit card. She just use it. She wasn't trying toe managed her finances or or be careful about what? She suspension and think it was an issue. All this stuff was going on that we didn't know we don't know about. She didn't about no one knew about. And they got so bad that show. Hey, he went to a shooting range. Nishi bottoms bigger. I don't know I do what I do like I don't know if that influenced me like I can't say I can pinpoint that point that, like I saw this relationship that seems so great and everything seems so great. And then he killed himself over money. I can't say that that experience is what impacted me. But what I can say is, obviously it impacted me. Number one and number two, is it now that working worked with thousands of couples? And I see these issues, and I see that people don't have transparency of money. And you wonder why I'm so adamant about being transparent about your money and doing whatever it takes to make sure that you can You can talk about your money and be open with your money. I'm so passionate about that. I'm so convinced I don't I'm not even convinced have so much conviction that that is a must like if you want to survive in a relationship and I'm not saying it's gonna be that bad, like that's bad. That is so bad. It's like I can't even it's unfathomable how bad it iss like. I just How could that happen, Sarah? I mean, she was devastated. She was like she kept things like Honey, if I just if I had known, I wouldn't have cared about the money. I don't care about them. I don't care about the house. Didn't care about any of it. I care about you and now you're gone. And I tell you this, obviously, I'm getting very emotional because money is emotional, Relationships are emotional. This is a motion. All death is emotional, right? And you're asking me, how do I open the can of worms? And I'm telling you, Please, just do it. That's number one is that you have to have enough leverage to know that in order to make your relationship last like money, it's not an option to not talk about money. I remember I met someone. I was speaking at another seminar and someone we were at lunch after she had heard me speak and she said, Wow, this is really fascinating. I was telling her about the money Minaj 12 Oak and she was really excited, and she's like, that sounds really, really cool. Like I need to get that book. Let me know when it comes out and you get the book Here's my car and she goes, Well, you know, things that might mean my husband. We've been We've been married 10 years, so things are pretty good. Things were pretty good with us. Um, you know, everything's fine, but But we don't talk about money. He has his money. I have my money. I don't know how much he has. I don't know how you know. I know how you know I have my own. I know how much I have Or maybe she doesn't. But everything's fine. As long as we don't talk about money, this is a lie. First of all, do you want your standards to be it? Fine. It's like if you were getting married and you're about to come out and you're like, OK, my husband, my husband to be is about to see me for the first time. Imagine you come out there and you're like, Oh, you know, the music's going off in the background. You think you're like this in my day, right? And he's like, Wow, you look, you look fine. I'm not talking about like I know you know. You look fine, right? Thank you. That's not what you want to hear like you want your relationship to be thriving. It's a rich relationship. You wanted to be growing right. You don't want it to be fine. And so she said, Oh, you know, our relationship is fine And she said, But you know, we were just as long as we don't talk about money, we're fine And and it just killed me because I can't start coaching her right then And there were at lunch and like No, please, let me help you, because what happens if something unexpected happens, you would mention, I believe if my husband's on around anymore, like death, it happens, right? What happens if you know their their lose their job, One of them lose their job. And now all of a sudden, like in crisis us, start talking about money and the rial things. Are you just gonna let your money go to pot? Right, so it has to happen right away. So here's how you open the can of worms. The three D's is number one. You have to decide to do it, decide to do it. There's a theme here. Oh, wow, Robin, we've heard that before. A decision? Yeah, I've learned that I already know that. Remember? Poor people say I already know that. Do you do it? Have you decided? Have you drawn a line in the sand that this enough is enough to keep bringing that up for a reason? I want you decide. Ok, so you're sitting at home. You're watching, like okay, find Robert. I wanted some juice here. Not just to decide, but just work with me. Work with me on this and just decide. Like you can say it. You can use some new multimillion ourselves talk and say I have decided that my partner and I will talk about money. Done, decide. Simple. Right. But don't a lot of people not decide like that? It's like you said it really, really well. Gian Maria just said I don't care if you get this course or not. Like, just decide. Like if you're gonna make a decision like so many people, they don't make a decision and they think it's not a decision. If I don't decide to talk to my my husband or my wife or my partner, then you know, cool. I don't have to worry about the decision. No, you just decided You just decided you're not gonna do it. So the decision. Either way, if you're like, why I am not going to do well then help you. My story didn't didn't move you enough to want to talk about money. I could help you, but if you decide you're already you're already halfway there. What's the next step? Okay, this is important. Don't make it a big deal because a lot of people think OK, now I'm going to bring up the talk. It's time to talk about money. And you're like, OK, I don't want this to be awkward. I don't want to get in a fight. Right? What are the things you're concerned about? What are the reasons why you've convinced yourself of why now is not the time I'll do it later. Well, if you just decided already. You already see number three? You decided you don't make it a big deal. And you must do it within 24 hours from your decision. Right now. At least specific time. It's 2 50 You got 24 hours to have that talk. Maybe you're experiencing some anxiety about it. What is the biggest fear I want you to write this down. What is the biggest fear that you have about bringing up the talk? You're probably assuming something to be true, which may or may not be true. He doesn't want to talk about it. I've tried before. It doesn't work. You know, she's not interested in money. We're going to get in a fight. There's gonna be tension we might break up. Might decide that it's not gonna work. Whatever your fear is around that, write that down, capture it, decide to do it. Don't make it a big deal. So no candlelit dinner. This is not your money date. This is not the point of the money date. By the way. I have introduced the money day, but this is not it. This is This is actually before the money date, right? That's the system that you have. But first, if you're sitting home alone and you haven't committed together as a team as a unit as a couple, that this is important to you. Money is important to you. Your relationship is important to you. What money stands for your money values. It is important to you if you're not yet aligned on that if you not have not yet committed if you've committed. But maybe your partner doesn't even know you're on this, right? You're watching this. That's very, very possible. You've decided, but don't make it a big deal. So what do you do? Well, you have to do within 24 hours. So by this time tomorrow, all of you will have had the talk. What's the talk? Oh, that sounds like such a big deal. Don't make it a big new I'll make it so simple for you. Here is one option. Here's your script, honey. I love you. Lets us stop there. There's a stop right there, honey. I love you. Wouldn't that be a good way to start a conversation? That's a good way to start a conversation. If anyone says, Honey, I love you. I'm like I'm listening. Honey, I love you and I want to talk about our money so it never gets in the way of our incredible relationship right here. I'm presupposing that our relationship is incredible. So you're already having compliments in there? You're saying I love you and I'll tell you, just so you know, you will not always get a great response. Okay, That's reality. You might get someone who is not open. You might be married to someone who is not open, not willing. You can't control that person. You cannot control that person, but you can control yourself. So my advice to you bring it up in a loving way and use thes rules. By the way, you're about to learn the money talk rules to live by. So that is all encompassing for this. But please make it simple and just say whatever feels good to you, but make sure it's positive. Rina, what fears come up around bringing up the talk now You've already brought it up, right? Sure, but it's still like you feel like you have to keep bringing it up or what's going on with that. Yeah. I mean, I bring it up. I've been bringing up quite often because as things are moving with my business, I want him to I know what it is that I'm doing. And I kind of want also know what he's doing so that I know of what our goals can be taking into consideration that I am. You know, I am a business owner, okay? So how is it, Kim? It Can you tell me a little bit about that conversation? Because I'm sure people at home are going well. Tell me like you must have had challenges, right? And you want to know what challenges? Because they can relate. So can you tell him what challenges came up when you have the talk? Like the response that you got? Sure. How? Maybe didn't go as you'd like. Yeah, well, I think part of the issue is that, um my husband just feels really uncomfortable with with disclosing to me how much money he makes. So I'm not exactly sure why that IHS Have you asked him? Um, I think Well, yeah. So when I saw the video, that's a no right. Well, part of it is is that he doesn't want me to tell anybody, Okay, that's what he told you. Yeah, OK, so here's what's really cool. Is that that's a lie. What is probably that's a lie. What? He just said he has d much deeper fears than you telling someone else much deeper for your sure that And you don't know what they are, right? Because he hasn't told you right and he's not being totally honest, probably with himself in not looking in the mirror, right? He hasn't uncovered his money mask in the first way, right? So what I want you to do is to keep showing him love and support so that whatever that fear is that stopping him from disclosing it starts to dissipate. What's away? That you know, outside of money or with money that shows your husband like the makes him feel loved. Well, it's, uh it's taking care of him, which is specifically what? What does that mean? Teoh Well, taking care of the house, which I'm not a lot of things that I'm not doing because I'm, you know, in, like exercising my business muscles, right? So I don't cook like I used to. I don't clean the house like I used to. I don't do laundry every week like I used to. I don't do all those home making things that I used to dio, um and that's a lot of like what he coming. So you think and we're just guessing. I mean, you might know Well, it's a lot of what he complains about complains about, so you're pretty sure that he feels loved when you do things around the house for him. So that was There's a book called The Five Languages of Love. On one of them is acts of service, so it sounds like one of his languages of love is acts of service. So my question to you, because I cannot work with him right now. Yeah, is because I want to make sure this is There's a reason he's not sharing it. And it may be when we go. If I were to dig deep into that, I'm afraid you're going to tell your friends and then we go, Well, if you if I would tell if I were to tell my friends, then then how would you feel? Or then what would you be concerned about? Like if that was out of the way? If we said okay, let's just assume I don't tell my friend, right? Let's take that concern out. This is like a sales technique. You're like, Okay, I don't have enough money like Okay, let's just say let's assume you did have enough. Let's take that out of the equation because you're now selling your husband now, but you're like realistic that equation. Well, then what would be the concern? What other concerns do you have? I'm not telling you to do this. I'm just saying Work with me to understand this idea. So then he says, Let's just say he said, Well, I'm concerned, um, that if you know the money, you're going to spend more interesting. There's a trust thing going on. Well, it's funny because I don't spend any of his money. I make my own. Yeah, but I'm making it up for sure. But yeah, that's fine. I'm just saying there's there's whatever underlying fears If we keep taking away, keep taking away, you're taking away. My guess is ultimately what's what ends up left over. I won't feel loved. That makes us ultimately. Our biggest fears is I'm I'm not loved. I'm not good enough. Uh huh. So here's my logic is if you started giving him love in the way that he feels love Not like I love you, honey. I love you, honey. I love you, honey. I love you, honey. And he's like, you know, words of affirmation. Do not work for me. Acts of service. So if you're saying acts of service can make him feel more loved. He will just naturally open up more. And if he opens up more in his life housing and affect his money, right? Right. It might take six months. It might take a year. But you now have a goal. A mission in a process. And if you love this guy and you want to stay with this guy for the rest of your life, you have to put it on all on you. Your responsibility to make this discussion. This Kim Jim money date. This all happened and it's okay. You can be patient. Might take a while. It might take a week. It might take a minute. You say you maybe you say this, honey, I love you. And I want to talk about her money so it never gets in the way of our incredible relationship. And you never said it that way before. I love you. Why do you want talk about money? Because I'd never want to break us up. Now he knows the why. I remember. We talked about why the why is so important. If he knows why you want to know, it might take that seconds and is done doesn't mean they're not gonna be struggles along the way and challenges was done. So what can you do to help? So what I'm suggesting is that you can start making him feel love in other areas in all areas of his life. Now, if acts of services that you have to ask yourself the question even with my business that I'm building these muscles for my business, even though I do need to spend time on that, how can I do something for him and fit it into my schedule? How can I better manage my time so that he feels love? And what an amazing guy he's been providing for me? He's put a roof over my head for years. Yeah, like the man deserves a meal. I don't know what it is, doesn't Teoh, but it's something that you decide if you feel like he really values having a meal. And you think well, you know what? I don't really like to do it, but I love to make my husband feel loved and what's gonna happen if you keep giving him this love? He's gonna want to give it talking about communicating with about money here, Robin, what's going on? Love, huh? Yes, of course. Celeb l love, but isn't that interesting? If you put yourself take total responsibility that you control your life, you're bound to influence others with that same belief. Right? And now you're determined. You know what the end goal is? You know, you wanna have monthly talks about money. You know, you wanna have transparency of the money, which you absolutely must have. If you want to continue in your relationship, you must It's not. It's not negotiable. In my view, it is non negotiable. Then that is the ultimate goal. If that's the first step, yes. This brings me to something that happened yesterday when rain was talking about her mom. Huh? I had a huge realization that I'm terrified to be 100% in my relationship, that I'm kind of holding back a little bit because and I had to go home and say this to my partner last night because that you were open. I have to speak the truth 100% of the time. Great. That's that's my ethics to myself. Awesome. And I had to sit down with him and say I'm terrified to give 100% to you because I'm terrified. If I do that, it's gonna be like my marriage and something bad is gonna happen and I'm gonna lose you. And I'm terrified to become 100% vulnerable because I'm afraid something bad is gonna happen. Why do you believe that? Cause I've experienced that and the not so recent past. Can you share with us what it was you don't have to? I was with my ex husband for 15 years and he was a a recovering alcoholic and was supposedly sober for we were together for eight years and married for seven. And for our marriage, the entirety of our marriage. He was supposedly sober and was lying to me about it. And the lies became really transparent. Happened. He started to become violent, and I needed to be out of that relationship. And I had Teoh get a divorce and secret. And then he refused to move out of the house and he stayed in the house. I had to live with him for a year after I filed papers and I didn't want when I was having him served, I asked him where he wanted to be served. I said, I don't want you to be embarrassed at work. So where would you like the paper served? And that was the first he knew of that. I had filed for divorce. Thank you for sharing That is very difficult to share and for being honest and open about how it's affecting your relationship and is not interesting that it's an experience has affected your beliefs affected your behaviours, which is affecting your bank account. So right now you're you, by the way. Oh, my goodness. I know people at home are going wow, like I reach out to you. You know, my heart reaches out to you, and I know people have been chatting before and just saying, How amazing is all of you are being so open and honest because that's helping them. So when I want to thank you and I also want to acknowledge you for talking to your partner and to beat and for being honest with him, most people won't do that, especially when it's that deep. That fear. So what's your biggest concern that this relationship will turn out to be like my marriage and that I won't have. I won't have acted on the lessons that I've learned. And the guns that are you seeing similar patterns is Is that based on truth? Or is it or is that just based on your fears? What I mean by that is you said you're the biggest challenge with your ex husband was that he said he was sober, but he was not. And then you got to put he was lying to you. My question is, with your relationship now are the same themes. Are they? Riel is he is He's not lying to me. No, he's not lying to you. And his He is an alcoholic. No, but he does drink. Okay, that's what I'm exploring in therapy. Is his drinking something? It triggers me. Yes, and it I am trying to work through that. It's not the alcohol that's being consumed. That is actually a problem. It's the behavior. Sometimes when he drinks more than he should. Yeah, it's gonna trigger. Of course, of course, is gonna trigger. And that's okay. And that's okay that you feel that way. It's awesome. Congratulations for working through it in therapy. That's great. So coming back to money. Part of what I think you're saying is that you're not fully committed to him and because you're not fully committed to him. You're not committed to what, Teoh? I think Teoh, um, being fully transparent about money. And we said we sat down and talked about that last night. So let me ask you this. If you're not totally transparent about money now, let me do it this way. If you are totally transparent about money transparent, I'm not saying you necessarily throw your money together. That's a choice you need to make, but totally transparent. And let's just say history does repeat itself and whether it's the same or similar or not. And he lies and you break up. What's your second happened? Well, I was transparent last night about money. Okay, so you're already doing it. Okay, so I just brought you there, because so the really isn't a challenge anymore. Just so you know, there used to be a challenge because you were afraid to be transparent about your finances in the past. Ah, whole day ago. Not even a whole day, right? Because, well, it must have been a day 24 hours but not last night. And then look, you made a decision. You decided to talk to him about it, despite all the fear to act in spite of fear. Whoa, Remember that? Well file. Well, I'm sorry. This is really I don't know. I might have to stop the program. You're kind of acting really wealthy right now. That's making me feel uncomfortable. Stop acting like you just are totally, well thing on the plate. So isn't that interesting? In one day, less than a day you've already shifted your behaviors and shifted your beliefs. Wow. Now we're talking about how to talk about money. So you're doing it. So I'm I'm just reiterating to those of you out there so often times, you have these fears and you think that it's gonna be way worse than it is. Part of the the fear that Rochelle had to have this conversation to tell someone that you love that you don't know if you're fully committed to being with them. That's pretty scary, right? But she acted in spite of beer. And did it hurt your relationship? Did it make it better? Yeah. I rest my case. Goodbye. Isn't that amazing? like our deepest fears were most afraid of you. Face those fears. This is in the book. Talk about facing your issues and face your fears. You face your fears, things get better. It was like walking on coals. It was like walking on coals. You're like, so nervous, right? So let me give you some tidbits that you can use those of you home and all of you can use in your as you continue to progress and have these conversations.