Making Big Decisions with Your Partner
OK. Deep breaths to sit up in your seat stretch at home. Do we gotta dio, let's get into this. And I have a treat for you. Yes, this is ah, the seductive art of aligning with your partner. And I got a lot of feedback. People said, Oh, that was great that you brought the guitar. I've never seen a, uh, financial advisor money coat or, you know, business All those things like you per typically, don't seems people playing guitar, so I thought I'd bring it out to get you in the mood before I play. I want to ask you what does seductive mean to you? Someone into some enticing Reena? What seductive mean to you? Ah, to hypnotize. Hypnotize. Okay, great. There's no right answer. By the way. So enticing hypnotize are of it Seductive. What does that mean to you? Large pardon. Blinding, blinding. What does that mean to you? Blinding blinding makes me blind. Everything else around me blind like focused, like I'm with you. That's very seductive. Okay, great. What else? Any other words? Erika, come to...
your mind. Look at this Nice handwriting. I couldn't I could have had my scribe this whole week. Oh, man, that's amazing. Anything comes to mind. Sadako, Focus. I resonate with that, like, gets you in the mood for something. Whatever that one thing is, which sort of goes and gets you in the mood. I like that. What else? It's a point of contact where it's theirs. There's Ah, um, point of contact. And it doesn't even have to be verbal like a connection. A connection? Yeah. So it's like either eye contact contact. Great. You know, great. Anything of the table, please chime in. If your home chap go ahead. What footsies Under the table. Season of the table. Very seductive. Anything else you can think of words that come to mind for you guys? Alluring A Lauren alluring. Anything else? Some other words that that we came up with my husband, I, um, attract So attracting, persuasive, influential. Now, if you if you are seductive, if you're being seductive your partner, it suggests that you're gonna Now this is gonna sound sexy, but just doesn't have to be. It suggests that you're gonna give them some kind of pleasure. Right now, we're thinking about the seductive art of aligning with your partner like Wouldn't it be amazing is that when you align with your partner, you give them some sort of pleasure that your it's enticing? It's hypnotizing that you're both focused. You're focused in the mood, yet a point of contact in connection. I think that's in line with your partner If you were the one, because it's all about you. If you were the one being the seductive one bringing to the table and your alluring and you're attractive or you're attracting him or her your persuasive and there's pleasure and influential. I mean, just imagine that. What kind of response or your are you gonna get when you're being seductive? Probably a positive response. Awesome. Anything else that Okay, give her hand. That was awesome. All right, so just to get you in the mood I got a song instance called Pocket My Pride. I'm just gonna do the chorus, but I think it's kind of seductive. Amuse me, seduce me Please don't refuse me. Entice me to like me Won't you ignite me? Feed me, Need me going and tease me Hold me unfold may come get to know me Get you in the mood All right. Thank you call. All right, so we're in the mood being seductive, and it doesn't have to be sexy, but all these words things you can write down And you think, Well, when I'm about to align with my partner the's air, the characteristics I'm gonna own, right And you picked the ones you like, that's fine. But if you go to your partner instead and you're not being seductive and instead you're being pushy or you like, we have to get this done, Robin said a line with your partner I got a line with you. What do you want? Tell may. Push, push, push, push, push. Right. They're gonna push back. But if you're like I want to hear what you want, I want to listen to you. You know, most people when they start talking, they like, Okay, we're gonna talk about gonna talk about are our goals. So let's talk about it. So let's say, bringing to the table. We're talking about your goals and they searched and they go on and it's like they're going on and on and on and on and on. It's basically like they're vomiting on you. And then what happens? A person that's listening to that. How about that? Okay, they're like, on my hair. So whoever's listening to that if you're verbally vomiting on them, it's all about whom it's all about me. But if you come, you want to get to the table, want to align with them, and it's all about them. Is it more likely that they're gonna be ready to talk because they wanted Don t o I won't do it again. Okay, so this again to remind you were also are still on creation, focusing on what you want focusing on the target. I love this photo. How to make big decisions. This is on page one Fifteens. Let's turn our manual what you've done to remind you this morning you've started to dream storm about what you want And it's not perfect because you're always going to revisit, revise and re commit. Right? So it's not perfect, but doesn't happen. Sometimes that one person wants something one thing and the other partner wants something else. Yes, doesn't it? Of course, of course. So I'm gonna show you a way to align with your partner so that you can make big decisions. Okay, Now, if you don't have a partner or even if you dio, you can do this on your own. You can do this on your own first to see what you really want. So you don't have to start by doing it together. But I'll give you some examples to show what I've done with my clients and what I've done with my husband. Okay, so this is called a pain and pleasure exercise. It really, really works. So I'm going to give you my example. So this is very, very recent that we redid this exercise and you know about my story about fertility. We haven't been able to get pregnant. It's been a year and 1/ and we've done some things I told you. I'm gonna mention like an I u I, as my husband calls it, the turkey baster. And we're considering I wasn't really considering it honestly before we had this conversation. But another option is getting IVF, as my husband calls it Petri dish. If I just say the letters, he has no idea what I'm talking about. He's very cave man. He likes things very simple, because I tell me in Cave Man language turkey baster IVF got it. Now some of you may know that's a very expensive process. And for me, I've just felt like, you know, it's gonna happen like I have total confidence that we're going to get pregnant, But we haven't. It's been a year and 1/2 and so we started talking and I told him, I don't want to even consider I don't even want to do it like I think we can continue doing. What we're doing will probably get pregnant is not a good way to reach your goal. It will just work out, right? It's the same thing, will just work out. I wasn't really willing to go there. And then we decide. Okay, let's do this pain and pleasure exercise so we can figure out whether or not we should do IVF. This is kind of a joint decision. Isn't that this is when it's really difficult. Decide on your own. Isn't that right? Okay, so we had to go through this pain and pleasure. So first, let's assume we gotta assume the decision is made. Okay, That's key here. So assume we're we've decided to get IVF or to do IVF or whatever it doesn't matter if you don't know what that is. It doesn't matter. Okay? So first, what is the pain I had to associate to really get clear on What is the pain for me? For me, I was like, Well, I have to do IVF. It's gonna it's gonna really be There's gonna be a lot of anxiety. I'm gonna have a lot of anxiety and stress because now there's all this pressure on me to get pregnant like it's hard enough now. And I'm thinking, OK, I have all this money tied to it. You know, I'm a finance person. Like money is important to me and not to the important. To me. I'm a saver, so I don't like to spend it. I have gotten anxious in the past spending money, and I will spend it on things that I value. But if I don't value it, if I don't think I'm going to get a return on my investment like I don't see the point in spending it, it just makes me anxious. I don't want Teoh. So for me, I associate ID like pain to spending the money on it. Really, It was really the money But then it wasn't just the money because I also I found out I have to take mawr hormones. I already go from 0 to 100 without hormones. It's gonna be a 0 to 1000 Watch out, babe. Really Good point. You know, our students are engaged here thinking about pain and pleasure. Are there any ideas coming up for any of you about things that evoke that That pain that pain point Rina e having a baby? Because, you know, I'm an eldest of four. And so my experience of what? Having, seeing what my mom had gone through having a kid and having another kid and having another kid after that, Um, I My big fear is Is that the going through pregnancy and this the fear of of the potential complications, even with pregnancy, you know, and and how it changes your body and changes like your everything about your your body and part of me. You know, in what it is that I'm creating, It's like my body will change. Yes, and will I still be desirable? My body changes. That's like all these. These painful things were associated to it. So of course no. Under your, like crying when you think having four kids, right? Not to mention all the associations to being like your mom, right? Right. So this is a perfect exercise for that. Let's just say you put up here, have a baby. Yeah, it's on your list. It's something you said You shocked me and said he wanted to have the next five years. We'll you might as well figure it out. Doesn't mean you have to do tomorrow, right? You might as well get really clear on what pain? Because obviously, the reason you're not willing to commit to that even if it's years from now, is because you associate way too much pain to it. And it may be that you find by doing this exercise, the pain is too much. Uh huh. So that you won't want to ever have a baby. But then, if you realize if you don't, there's a lot of pain in that, right? Yeah, right. So let's continue. So I'm gonna have to be on a bunch of hormones. My biggest concern is a possible waste of money. What if it doesn't work? Let's say, have invested 35,000 or $50,000 then I still am not pregnant. That's a lot of pain. And then I still have to go through adoption. That's more money. It's a lot of pain. Possible waste of money, Time away from work. I'm building my career. I'm very passionate about helping people. I'm committed to helping millions, like not on Lee, is it? Once I have the kid gonna impact me, I've already decided wanted kids, so I don't have to go there. But everything have to do like being at the, you know, BDO an office, like every week. And like all all the hours that it takes, even what I've done already takes a lot of time like that is painful. I could go on and on about pain, right? Pleasure. Well, in my work and I'll have a baby get baby. I'll have a baby. A lot of pleasure associated to that. I want a baby playing. So what? I have been thinking now we had to also think about the pain of it taking longer. So let's say I I can also do this. You can do it on one sheet and pleasure. I like to actually do to because it's easier for me toe. See it? So let's just show you real quick. So I say I don't so don't do IVF, Okay? It was just easier for me to think of. What's the pain if I don't do it? So let's and make the decision. I'm a decision to do I d IVF. I saw my pain. I saw my pleasure, lots of pain and one pleasure. I get a baby maybe. Okay, so then I did don't do IVF. So if I don't do IVF, the pain is I might not get might not birth. Let's say a baby. I already have one baby who's not my blood. I love her like she's my blood, but it be cool to have one that's has my blood. So there's a lot of pain and not birthing a baby. If I don't do IVF, what's the pain it might take? It might take longer, so let's and I'm getting older, okay? And if it takes like an extra six, if I find out, let's say I don't get pregnant for a while. And then, like else, I awaited a year and then I did IVF and the first time I got pregnant, I would have been, like, Why haven't done? Why did I do this? That was too. But I could have done it a year ago. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's quicker. It might be a quicker way. So the pleasure is Ah, quicker, more likely. Chance of baby. That's pleasure, right? Does make sense so far. Okay. Cool. Yes. Was your point for the other turn, though? No. So I switched up. Well, it's a pleasure if I don't do IVF, okay? I didn't do IVF the pleasure. You're right. You're totally right. So that's actually paying. We can put on the pain side or on foot. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. Good job. Totally. I got confused myself. OK? Is it possible that you might get confused? Okay, cool. If I don't do IVF, what's the pleasure? No hormones, right? More times, more money. You get it right. So here's what we realize I don't have to show you every little thing. I want to bore you to tears. But here's what we realized I so back to this even though there was a lot of pain associated to this to do IVF. I had more pain associated to not doing it. And I had more pleasure and thinking that it's gonna work sooner, you know? And it's it's higher chance of it working. And so what? We decided because I was thinking, I don't even want to think. Think about it till next year. Instead, we decided, Look, if we don't get pregnant, this was our decision, the big decisions. And by the way, I came up with some of these. My husband, I talked about it, We were having a conversation. And literally we have this huge whiteboard in our house. Ah, one of these whiteboards. And he was like writing this stuff, and he was capturing the stuff he loves to, just like he also teaches. And so he was like, getting all this information. And he didn't try to convince me because he wanted to dio by the way to do IVF a soon as possible. I thought, I don't even want to think about it. Not until at least weren't If we're not, you know until next year, sometime then we'll see. I want to think about it, But that doesn't really help me make a decision. So I made a decision by not making a decision on the decision to not do it. But I didn't actually decide not to do it right. That's a lot of people dio. And so after going through this process, he wanted did we compromise? You might say, Well, you compromise because what ended up happening? He wanted to do it soon. I want to Did not even really think about her. Do it later. And we decided if we don't get pregnant, if not prayers by December 31st 2000 and 14 start treatments in January. How scares me that. But it scares you more not have baby. And I want to do everything I can and what we realized as we're going through this process. I was like, Okay, let's just say I spend this money and I don't get pregnant. At least I know everything I could. I'm not gonna 10 years from now, almost makes me cry among the 10 years from now. Wonder what if I'd spend the money, I could have had a baby, you know, instead, I'm like, OK, if I spend it so now there's more pleasure there's more pleasure. The pleasure is I knew I did everything I could to make it happen. Obviously, that's what this says now that's a lot of pleasure. And so we made a decision together and we didn't have to compromise. It was just that once I understood what his reasons were, what he was like. He was coming up with things I hadn't even thought about. That's great point. Once he understood what I was thinking because we had. We had unconditional love hates all coming back again. We had unconditional acceptance, understanding, and we came to a decision. Is that cool? This works every time, So I'll give you a couple examples, and I wrote it in the book. I have clients who now I have clients who who wanted to who didn't know if they wanted Teoh sell their house, actually were in Santa Cruz, and they didn't know if they wanted to sell their house. They've been talking about it for years. How many of you have been talking about some decision for years and haven't made it? Does that sound familiar? That happens all the time. They've been talking for years about selling their house and moving to San Francisco in our first meeting. Remember I told you our first meeting? It's like four hours. I sit with people and we go over their goals and figure things out. So I know like how I can help them. In our first meeting, they said that was an issue. So I gave them the pain and pleasure exercise said. Right down cell, right, I'll do it sells house and I had them do both sides. I just think it's easier to do. Don't sell house like I think it's easier, new both. You don't have to, but I think it's easier. So I have them do this. They came up with all this, this long list of things of why they have pain and selling the house. We got to put it on the market. We got a pave the driveway. We got a, you know, renovate the whatever. We got to get the roof, like all the things that were painful to them, and that's why didn't want to do it. But then when they do the rest, don't sell the house, Let's just put it here. There was a lot of pain associated to that and we're stuck here. Our daughter is not gonna, you know, experience this. I'm not gonna have a job that I want. I'm gonna naive have a job. I mean, there's all these things associated to it, so, you know, you can look at it like just, you know, focus a lot. The reason I keep focusing more on the pain is that people will do more to avoid pain. Then they will to seek pleasure. So you condemn innately. They still wrote the pleasure. But what happens when you flip? It is you find more pain in the other decision and what they ended up deciding after this exercise, I gave him this exercise. They went home, They did the next meeting. They came back and said, We're selling the house. Cool. I didn't influence them. They didn't compromise and figure it out. They just decided because they figured out what they really want. They got aligned. They online with their goals to start talking about what's important to them. What pain and pleasure. How easy is that? The other thing you can dio second part is ask yourself if you still haven't decided, is this gonna move us closer to or further from what we ultimately want. Well, how do you know? Well, you know, because you did your money value. So you know what's most important to you and your partner? Well, for us own, write it all. But we will move us closer, closer to having a baby. I think it probably will. It's more likely the quality of life we want, cause having a baby gives us a better quality of life. Having a family, a sibling for Phoenix, making my parents happy, his parents happy having another grandchild. There is a lot like of ways it was moving closer to what we want, because ultimate, like family, is so important to me. All right, quality of life is so important to me further from, well, how it's moving us further. From what I can say, that's moving further us from financial freedom. It's gonna be more bills, and that's moving us further away. Remember this? This is not about money. Would I rather have a child or would I rather have a 1,000,000 bucks? We put it like that. Rather have a child, right? Isn't that cool? So this is gonna help to decide it works. Amazing. Another example is that I had clients. They were They were actually, they wanted similar kind of situation. Ellen and Paul. And they were thinking about, um, buying, like upgrading their house, buying a new house. Okay, It was so quick that they realized that they were not willing to do what it takes to buy a new house. They realized they were gonna need, like, you know, $100,000 or whatever, and they're gonna need to move into a different neighborhood. Like when they realized so. With both combination of what we talked about before and a combination of what I'm doing right now, they realize it would move them further from what they ultimately wanted. Like they're like, we can live in this house and be fine. We're. Instead, we're gonna, like, move somewhere and be strapped and barely be able to pay our mortgage. Just we can have a nicer home because I don't like the chandelier. That was one of the issues. I don't like the garage doors, something like that. So instead, they decided to to upgrade their home their current home a little bit. They spent the money there. They actually refinance the house. Something they've been talking about doing for years. So I helped them. Do you know what I did? I help them chunk it down on the Kim Jim money date worksheet. Remember that tab that says action? Each one of these clients, You know, what they had to dio was the first baby step. So in this case, when they wanted to refinance their home because that was gonna help them get the goal, they wanted to have a nicer homes, have some more money to actually save money, too. Because they'd get money, they'd have to pay less on their mortgage. They were talking about it for years. It was so overwhelming. So it's like, What's the first thing you need to do? Talk to ah, agent. You know, to a broker, mortgage broker, whatever it waas remember it was what Sorry. It was Who What what specifically by when do you guys remember this? See how this all comes together by Wen Really? Who? Let's say Ellen. What? Talk to broker what specifically scheduled meeting or have meeting, have meetings. By when? Next week. Whatever day, next Friday. Whatever the date is When did it really happen? Friday they were able to start chunking things off, checking things off. I did it. I did it. I did it step by step. And guess what? Within the time frame of working with them in the first couple months that refinanced the house, that $800 more per month in there keep makes one keep. Are you telling me, Robin, that all of this goes together? It's amazing just saying there's a question that's coming in from Latin. Abby Lynn from Georgia, Who says, You know, what would you say is the number one problem for newly married couples making financial decisions on? How would you suggest approaching those decisions? Is this the system that you would that you would suggest for the newlywed couples as well? And those financial decisions? Yeah, let me let me answer that. Yeah, um, And then what's the most common issue? Our financial decision that you find newly married couples making. I think the big question is the question that I already answered, which is, should we put our money together? You know that that is something you just have to figure out. You have to really just talk to your partner about and see what you you feel comfortable with. By the way, at first, you might not want to do that. Because maybe you're not there. Maybe it doesn't. You don't even think about your like that. Be great. Like I'm just I just want to be a unit together. I don't think of it. Minor. So you just got a seat that decide. But maybe for the first year or two, you kind of have. You know, you you kind of try it. You know, you got to see what works and how you feel. And as long as you're communicating, I mean, I'm so proud to say that I mean, my husband I'm in our relationship is not perfect. I mean, I've told you many mistakes that I make, and I'm sure if he were here, he would tell you many mistakes that he's made. It's not perfect, but the one thing we're like unbelievably good at is we don't hide anything. Nothing. He knows exactly how I feel exactly what I'm thinking. Like I tell him everything. He tells me everything we communicate so well. And because of that, we have a great relationship, despite all the mistakes. But we're authentic and real and honest, and nothing is too scary to talk to him about. So you need to communicate newlyweds like, just be open. And as you are open and you go through this manual and he starts to use these parts, you see what works for you. This is your personal money. Mastery road map. Right. So you want to prioritize and revisit or revise your goal? So this is in your manual. This is the choosing part. It's on 1 Go to page 1 And now you just choose like we chose, right? What did we choose? We said we're going to do IVF. I have it here by when we decided we made a decision. This is decision making time. You take those goals you dream stormed, right? You chunked it down, figure out What is it that's most important to you? What do you want most? How much is gonna cost? I must have to invest to get it right. What do you have to invest? What kind of time and energy. And then you decided you went through pain and pleasure. Closer to further from, and now you you have the decision. And by the way, if you've gone through this and this is what's happened, happens all the time like you say, I want to move, I need to have $100,000 then you're like, What does it take? What's gonna take me saving $2000 a month or $10,000 a month to get there for the next X amount of years? I'm not willing to do what it takes. And so you decide to upgrade to a different size house or you decide to renovate like the example I just gave you. So this, what's it going to cost will change to something that's realistic, which all that means is that you have a plan to make it happen, and you're doing things that are in line with you, making it happen so that it happens. That's how you choose