Money Management for Couples

 

Money Management for Couples

 

Lesson Info

Creating a Lasting Change

Creating lasting change that's why you're here on a create lasting change to change you must first decide that you want to change if you're here, my guess is that you want to change but did you have you made a conscious decision tend to change now one of the things in your in your manual at the very beginning that I haven't here but I didn't really focus on is about your commitment, right? I talked about your commitment, I told this story about the guru, right? The person who wanted to become rich and went to the ocean or went to the beach and he said, what did he say? What did he say? If you want to be successful, you need toe want it as much as you want, tio great breathe, right? We talked about commitment and I just want to pull this up again if it had why are you here? How are you committed? This is page seventeen. How committed are you and what I want you to realize? Because maybe you went through this, maybe you didn't if you didn't go there definitely go back because you want to...

be committed at a level ten, so let me ask you this, rachelle, on a scale of one to ten, how committed are you to having what you want with your money? Ten totally attend yeah, okay, cool. Can I ask this question? You don't have to answer this if you don't want tio this might put you if you don't answer it's going to put you in a really bad ok on a scale of one to ten how committed are you to your honey? Ten ten I'm scale of one to ten how committed are you to your future? Ten ten scale understand how committed are you to this course? Ten that's obvious. Okay, so rochelle is all tense totally committed awesome. Now you may not feel that committed or maybe you know you think you're ten but you know, like down there's a part of you you know, I'm committed to the course, but I also want to watch tv or do something else to relax or whatever it is. So and the next question is number five what has toe happen to make each of the above answers attend? So if you're a ten great, then you could instead just right. Why why are you so committed? We're talking about lasting change and deciding I'm going back to this so that you you can really capture why you must change because this is about lasting change for you it's not like create lasting chains like meaning how can I change my partner so I can have lasting change new we're overcoming overcoming your money issues today this is all about you right so what has to happen to get you to attend and why why is it a must why is it a must that you change ok I just want to draw your attention back to that that's page of seventeen and eighteen so to change he was first to sign you want to change that's your commitment now I have a little left hand here as you noticed probably noticed I'm right handed and so I'll tell you quick analogy so let's imagine that you broke your arm ok let's say you're right handed I'm just going to use right hand that is mostly right handed you left people do me a favor just switch it in your mind so it's easy for I don't have to keep going back and forth friend let's assume you're right handed and you break you break your arm and your right arm okay and you're in school or whatever and you need to write so this not like today when you're like at the computer I'm talking about like writing right so now I broke my arm and I have to write with my left hand right thank you and now I have to write so let's start with my name right especially if I'm taking time I can write my name with my right hand look at how neat I am when I'm not rushed this is my neatest okay now with my my left hand all right my name I'm taking my time it's better than my chicken scratch when I'm going fast do you think this is uncomfortable? Do you think it feels weird? Yes do you think it's not as good even even though it's not terrible but not as good as this one right it's different it's just different I think that's that's messier personally but it doesn't matter the point is it's uncomfortable is different it's a change ok as you can see him really playing this role in my arm is totally broken check it out not magic ok so now what happens if six weeks go by and I'm writing with my left hand um I'm going to get better or worse better because I'm practicing right? So let's just assume this looks better and I right even better just trying so hard to write better and so on, right? And after six weeks of writing with my left hand it's probably gonna look aa lot closer to this or at least a lot neater right now what happens if then I get my cast off who and now what happens if you start writing in my right hand again I don't have to do this every time you get it right I start writing a song is I'm taking my time is actually going to be easy it's going to feel natural it's not going to feel uncomfortable and I'm like it doesn't take long for me to get back into my old habit see where this is going I'm writing with my right hand now let's say weeks go by months go by I'm writing with my right hand writing with my right hand writing with my right hand and you say hey robin can you write with your left hand I take it haven't written with my left hand for weeks her months years whatever it is I right it's going to be like this back to where I started I'm going to go all the way back to where I was before even though I had six weeks of practice writing with my left hand is it is it likely that I'm going to go back to the way I first wrote it with my left hand is it likely yes ok what if this is going to be really a gruesome and gory ok and kind of gross but it's illustrative point I'm not actually showing it so it's not that gruesome and gory but let's assume that instead of breaking my arm it was so bad that I had to get amputated instead of six weeks of writing with my left hand years of my whole life the rest of my life with my left hand after a certain period time doesn't matter how long will it be uncomfortable I would think probably not after a certain period time at some point I've been writing what's a years let's say two years have gone by I have no arm right? And I'm riding with my left hand at some point like this is not going to feel unnatural is not going to feel uncomfortable it's not going to feel weird and it's probably gonna look it might be different because of the left hand I don't know but it's going to be similar like I'm going to write fine like I'm not going to think about it's not gonna be conscious where I'm sitting down I'm like it's been five years I'm still running in my left hand man sox my name and so are you all right? I'm never get this done right I had to write a whole term paper with my left hand after five years or ten years of writing with my left hand it's not gonna be I won't even think about it's going to be unconscious as we call it unconscious competence you've heard that before unconscious competence how does that happen? Bring my arm back it's nice to have both arms and here's what I want you to think about and I wrote this and I think I wrote it in the manual but let me see oh, this what I wrote in the manual you must amputate okay, in order to create lasting change, you must amputate your patterns that are no longer serving. You cut off all options that'll tempt you to run the same patterns because you will be tempted cut off all options if I said the most important thing in my life is a write with my left hand and doing well, not feel bad about it feel good, right? Really easily, consistently no, no one comfort the most important thing in my life to do that, I'm going to do that to make sure that happens. I gotta cut off my arm. It's, like people say, you know, could you lose thirty pounds right now? Yeah, if I said, if you really really want to know if it was one of the most important thing could you lose? How would you do it right now? I'm talking today like in the next five minutes or ten minutes or twenty minutes? Well, actually, she could that's what I was alluding already gave it a punch line you can cut whatever when thirty pounds you with me, that was the most important thing that may get cut it off and lost three pounds. If you cut off all of the options that's the only thing left if it was that if you are at that level of commitment this is the level of commitment I want you how with your money in your relationship doesn't have to be cutting off limbs so you're ok but cut off all those options all those things aren't serving those patterns like this is where you draw a line in the sand he said no more no longer money am I going to choose to believe rena that I need a man to put a roof over my head no more that's a decision but how do you keep it how do you make it last right how do you make it a lasting decision? This is the seas okay conditioning first you have to recondition a pattern right so this great example first I ride it okay I did it once if I do it once and never write with my left hand again am I going to get any better if I write one time with my left hand and then I never again write with my left hand will I get any better at writing with my left hand correct yes ok I did that better this side okay great but if I condition it by right every day every day I love you I love you I love you I love you I love soon I'm going to get really good at writing I love you bye condition it if I do it I have to do it consistently if I do want him like I changed my life, I'm all right with my left hand, I'm gonna condition this. I'm gonna do it three times, three times every year going to get much better at changing this pattern of writing in my left hand. I'm getting better as now, consistency condition it, then do it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. He said you over and over, you know, over and over again until it sticks. When do you give up? Ever ever what's the average amount of time her tony robbins say this what's the average amount of time you give a baby to learn how to walk on average, how much time would you give them? Fourteen. Ok, so fourteen months ago why you're like ok, baby, walk like not walking, crawling right, walk, baby, walk up fourteen months done guess my baby's not gonna walk how much time you give them until they walk? I tricked you reits also help involved there too. I mean, you don't just like walk maybe like you know what? I'm glad you brought up dogs. I'm about to introduce you to moxie, yes, but I'm not holding up, you know. Of course yeah and that's a great point because look I'm not asking you to do this alone yeah I'm not saying you got to go change you've got to go change gotta go change got a good change and good luck you have to have help right? You have help in twelve weeks and the twelve we thank you at the twelve ing integration program and if you want to work with me you can talk about working with me I mean that's an option you know I have group programs I have private programs there's like all levels of programs so that you can continue on your path I'm not think you should do it alone I do not think by the way that you learn this stuff and now you're your own financial advisor no no no you gotta find someone you trust you gotta find some who's in help you we're going to talk about that on day three mainly to make sure that you continue on your path because this is is not over right ongoing process so consists conditioning plus consistency equals change now there are five ways to create lasting change they're more than five ways so this isn't and don't like the chat room they're like there are six ways don't you know there's probably like one hundred ways to create lasting change I'm using some some that I know that I think are really, really valuable the first way is to get leverage now what I mean by that is to really get leverage on yourself meaning that you need to associate to the pain remember I told you about my fertility story and I told you that I thought it was just work out now a lot of people think that way about money it's just gonna work out now if you continue to tell yourself that you're just allowing yourself you're giving yourself permission to not reach your goal oh it'll just work out so let's say you say well, I need to retire one retire in ten years and I have nothing saved by the way I think it's the u s census or the american dream foundation I forget sorry forget this this exact statistic but the average american sorry it's forty percent forty percent of americans have less than ten thousand dollars of net worth so I don't have the exact statistics I could get it maybe you guys can look it up but it's like forty percent ok, so what I'm saying is it's easy for us to say it's just it'll be okay I'm going to retire in ten years and I'm sure it'll all work out if you keep telling yourself tomorrow is ten years from now it's tomorrow it's going to come whether you like it or not but if you instead allow yourself to sit in the pain get leverage on yourself because right now I'm just talking about you and you could get leverage by someone else giving you leverage and here's what I mean by that for example let's say there's so so this is this a true story it's just real short but there's a man who was a smoker right has been a smoker all his life and I smoke in twenty years or whatever it is and hey, he knew we should stop smoking you know he knew wasn't good for his health and he you know, he thought about quitting and he kind of tried to quit but never could really quit and then you know, nothing really got you didn't feel like he could change it was like I'm just a smoker that's how it is and then one day he's sitting down his daughter four years old comes up to him sits on his lap and she said, daddy, I don't want you to die daddy, please stop smoking I don't want you to die imagine your four year old said that to you you want to be there for your four year old you want to watch them grow grow up to be you know bigger kids grow up to be adults right to live their life and you like your your daughter your son believes that you are going to die because you continue to smoke that's leverage that was it he said enough is enough I'm done never smoked a cigarette again in his life that's leverage so you can get leverage by someone else making comment or saying something or doing something or you can actually make this this is all having you control it so so you can give yourself leverage by associating to the pain do you want to come up and talk about your situation? Sure. Bring tissue with me tissues let's bring rina up because she's got a situation she started to tell me about and you want change and I think people at home want to hear what's going on because people probably a lot of people can relate to your story. So tell tell us, you know if you can somehow because I know there's a lot a lot of it but one of the things you told me well, you tell me, okay? And I got you. I want to hear something else. Ok, so so tell me what's going on with you and your husband around money. So, um my husband is very successful. He works in health care industry and he's very successful. I envy his success and I would love to be able to meet him where he's hat in his success I didn't grow up the way he did um so that in and of itself our belief system so I could put you different around money um I think also because of um me being an older sibling growing up and feeling like I need tio show up to be a role model for younger people my siblings and and others was important to me and tell me more about like your situation like so he has a good job and on what's going on with you and your dynamic with money what's the problem if I said what's the what's the challenge what's the biggest challenge you guys were having well, I'm I have this deep passion teo uh make a difference under my terms so I refused tio refuse well yeah pretty much it refused teo teo working a job okay? And he told me during the break that he wants you to work a job he thinks that it would be better for me to work a job work it for however long which means like forever pretty much that's your beliefs I will notice by the way, no dishes we're starting to learn some of your beliefs a cash so that one you just said is say that one more time that um my belief is that you were to get a job, you did a good job I would probably end up having a job for the rest of my life working for somebody else okay, so I'm not saying you need to get a job just so you know but what I want you to recognize is that the belief that if I get a job I will be doing that for the rest of my life what's what's going on there it's called pain there's so much pain she is this is do you have lost city? Sure have a lot of pain associated to working a job she believes if I start working this job, I'll be doing it for the rest of my life. This is why she's not doing it there's so much pain associated to that now she also believes that her husband not only suggests this because it might be that what's true, maybe just he has suggested that as an option. Sure. Okay, but she believes that he thinks she should do this on my right. Yeah. Okay. So because he believes that that that doing that and contributing financially is what is going to save our marriage. Okay, are you believe that he believes that her? He told you that's what I believe a little bit of both. I mean, I have to believe what he says well, you know, we're all wearing masks, but ok, so got it so he you think he believes that you need tio if you not that you need to get a job that he believes that you maybe it's a good idea to get a job and if you were to have a job and have more money than you guys wouldn't have problems like marriage right? We're sure because is for me to start a career selfish ok, so you also believe that he thinks you believe it's selfish or you think he knows it's selfish I think he thinks that me having building a career for myself itself it did he tell you no, but other people who are involved in his life have told me that so by the way you're not the only one with issues sure we all have issues but he's not here so I can't really work with you know too bad but that's ok but what's great is that you're going to project and I'm projecting necessarily but you're going to guess these beliefs and they could be based on other people he might have even said that but if he said that, where is it coming from his own issues his own fears his own beliefs right leaves about me well it's actually not about you okay it's not is about him and what he thinks he needs and what is important to him and all that it's not about you it's just that you're representing what he wants right or not right with that what he doesn't have not so I mean if you want to make more money so my point here is this is it right now you know, you're focusing on what you believe, but you're focusing more on what you think he believes and beliefs are what they're just made up, right? Right whether he made him up because his parents made him up it doesn't matter and I'm telling you that you can overcome your money issue so you can ship your own beliefs now it's gonna be hard and I wouldn't advise to try to shift his beliefs all right, you could give him emmanuel, you could say, hey, honey, this is really important to me I want to work on this together. I know I have issues by the way, when you admit that we're going to talk about admitting mistakes when you admit that the other person surrenders typically I have issues and I have mistakes and I'm working on them and I walk so badly honey for us to work on it together and if you could work on yourself look, I know you're amazing, I love you and I know like I don't want to change you I want you to to see what you want to change so that we can make this work your intentions love it's that we stayed together, it would make it happen right so let's focus on you for a session for I know you can't forget you him in your situation right now but your situation what you've told us so far is that he gives you a roof over your head right you you told me this on the break I'm going tell tell them that you have your money is separate yes or money separate can you tell them what's happened two thousand nine um well without getting in trouble um filed for bankruptcy in two thousand nine you did or you both did I did great and you told me during the break that it was it doesn't matter why right because you got advice from someone it wasn't good advice it doesn't matter and then the advice that you got was also to split up your finances yes ok so ever he wouldn't be liable for it so you wouldn't be liable ok which I'm not going to comment on whether that's right or not but it doesn't matter it happened but the fact is that now the way you run your life as a couple is that he has his money you have yours and if he is spending money on things for you guys he is taking care of you and it's kind of like you feel indebted to him on my right yes and you feel shame you told me yes yeah and you feel like you're not good enough I don't I don't feel like I'm not good enough I created like I I should and I could okay you're making money awesome having todo because how he wants you to make money yeah let's say that's safe to say he wants to make money oh yeah and you want to make money yeah ok so notice this by the way oftentimes you're going tohave a line goals but you have different ideas of how to get there right but you know it doesn't matter how you get there you just have to get there like there's no conflict right here right here with this what you just said you want to make money he wants to make money you're in line I'm going to make money he doesn't really care if it's a job he just has his beliefs and he believes that because of whatever's happened in his life all in experiences and parents and all this stuff happened he believes that the best way to do that is to have a job my security like a lot of people believe that that's not weird yeah well I think the difficulty the deeper concern is that because I have been struggling to build a business and I have no no experience and no education in business which is why I love creative life because I've learned all the things that I've learned because of you know a lot of it because of creative life and all the you know, the educational and financial tools that are available for free if you you know you don't make money so that's I've been able to learn as I go along, but yet you know, when I build a building there are, you know, potential struggles, potential consequences and potential failures, and sometimes I have gone toe that's crazy, you know? You never know never fail, you know, make mistakes, right? But all the thing is he's also very sensitive, and he feels when I am in pain or when something I tried, I'm not afraid I'm not afraid to succeed, but I'm afraid tea to show my failures because I feel like I'm also thinking and by the way, she's the only one afraid of to show her failures, right? I mean, are we all afraid to show our failures when uh I mean, you know, you've been watching you've been here and I've shared aton a town with you about like, my failures and what I want you to notice, and by the way, I will share more, um, let me ask you this when I told you that I struggle, I've been struggling with fertility, and when I told you that I was single for ten years and when I, by the way that's a failure, right? I mean you can think of it as a failure, so just let's just pretend it wass okay? I failed to have a baby. I have failed. You can say it's all my fault you can say it's ok, but if we look at the meaning of failed, it failed to happen. I don't have a baby yet, right? Yeah, I stale to be in a relationship for ten years, right? I mean, what else did I tell you about? You know, I forget that so many things, I, you know, whatever it doesn't matter, but my point is, when I told you that you were sitting there on the couch and you were sitting there and some of it was fun when I got brought out the guitar, but when I told you that, did you feel like, did you start judging me and feel like, oh, I shouldn't listen her advice anymore? No, she doesn't know what you're talking about financial adviser who was single for ten years now. She's not money relationship or did my vulnerability give you even more confidence? Like I've been there like I've learned from it should learn from my failures. And because of that, I have power like vulnerability gives you power. Right, okay, so what I want you to take away from this and this is just a new belief you may or may not choose to adopt is that your vulnerability that you're afraid to make mistakes or t reveal those mistakes that one thing if I could take one thing and there's a lot of things we could change right? But let's just for fun take that one thing we took that one thing being afraid to share your failures let's just put it that way is that is that resonate with you the way I said it give me the give me the one sentence yeah, but words and you know, just really like to sink about failure and what you do that you don't want to share it or they don't want to reveal it or whatever you just said right? So um I don't want to be I don't want to be shamed because of my failures I think it's like okay, but what you wait don't don't you know I feel it okay, so so what I'm going to take because of the belief is I would be ashamed if I fail, okay? Awesome awesome. So here's my here's, my hallucination that I will read your my um if you embrace that and turn that around, turn that belief around instead adopt a new belief because you get to choose that if I reveal my failures not only one not feel shame, but I will instead feel empowered and be able to help more people that that one thing business explode I'm not joking, I'm not because right now people, if you're wearing this mask right and you're acting like everything's cool, I'm gonna help you make money, right? You told me you help businesses, you help them make money, right? Well, I help them help them, so expect the most exposure. Yeah, more exposure ok, cool so you help them, you know, grow their business and whatever way get more exposure awesome and you're like this will help you do and you're like everything is great with me money is good like you putting on this mass that things were great, our relation of screen my money is great like because they don't know right? Please don't be watching right, but they don't know but my what what I'm saying is, if you could reveal if you could reveal some of your mistakes like I tell people that my husband went through bankruptcy, I'm not saying it's my mistake, necessarily, but that's what that's vulnerable to tell people on stage when you're teaching people and he teaches, you know, thousands of people how to make money and he's like I went through bankruptcy and I made a mistake and he reveals that people come out from all the time well, thank you for sharing that because I've been on the brink of bankruptcy and I didn't know what to do in the fact that you did that you turn your life around like I'm so inspired and you can have that same story and it comes with you beginning to like change that belief right? Just decide ok and the other part which were just talking about is getting leverage so let me ask you this if you don't change that belief I believe they'll be should be shamed if I fail okay shamed if I fail and another belief is I need a man I only need to be this take care of me and you're like please write with your left hand again teo cruises I could do a lot faster okay jane, if I feel I need a man to take care of me with another limiting belief that you noticed oh gosh, there were so many um that I need well in order to make money I'm going to have to work for somebody else awesome make money work someone else obviously that says that right? Okay, so these air some beliefs and there are a lot of them right now if you do not change number one if you don't change his beliefs and if you don't change the behavior meaning you start making money ok what what is that? What could that potentially cost you? I want you to dig down here you are and here's a good way to do it five years from now nothing's changed what's happened how do you feel if you haven't made money if you're still feeling shamed if you fail if you if you have these beliefs and that the result is that nothing in your life changes stays the same yeah you don't make money you're fighting with your husband you don't you know you're not on the same page and what does that mean to you? What how are you going to feel I'll be miserable? What else will happen in your life? What could happen? What might you lose? Although I'll lose my passion for life, my life would have no meaning oh is that all? So what you're telling me is that if you don't change whether it's these beliefs, the behaviors actually go and make money because you can you should and you will help in effect like maybe millions of people it's always millions of people right, right you respect me, I affect them they effect right? Yeah if you don't do that and step into who you really meant to be, you're going to be miserable, fine everybody's miserable no big deal right, fine, you will lose passion for life life will have no meaning what else what's your relationship look like nothing's changed my relationship will be the same I will be saying whatever it is or can I guess if and I'm saying potentially or it will be over could be right yeah financially I know maybe you have serial having four kids and maybe they have no for kid home and they hope that you'll be state you know don't want to do that is that like ultimate pain for you? Um no offense mom she answer like kind of can get calls upon us like that ultimate pain like in that interesting but I might have thought that losing passion for life might be ultimate pain she associates ultimate pain look at this can just find it you don't having four kids and being a stay at home mom so here's what I want you to do because that's hard to focus on obviously bringing tears to your eyes not gonna want to do this you want to change you have to think about that every single day that's your leverage well that's and that's and that's that's the thing it's like I think about I think about my mom and all the things that she could have done or that she still could dio and doesn't ok I'll tell you something you know you are not your mom and you are not gonna live her life right and use that pain and you that fear to kukrit that's all you need all the stuff in the manual all the stuff you're learning is all great tools you need all that stuff is and you know what to do and how to do it but this this power right within you now the thing that brings you to tears that is going to change your life that's what I mean by getting leverage go ahead and take a seat thank you, thank you actually, before you do that, do you know who e I don't want her to leave this is like I don't want her to leave like I I'm crying my eyes so I just want to change your state. But here's the cool thing that she's got leverage now and as long as she chooses to use that and go back to that all she needs to write down on a piece of paper, I mean, it stinks man doesn't feel good to be in pain, but it works. It works right when you hit rock bottom when you're at that point, you know, when I was like single for ten years and I had a date and I was writing all the cynical of songs and I I didn't have money and I was like no more and I focus on that pain and I could turn my life around now if you focus on it and then feel sorry for yourself and play the victim like it's not gonna work right but if you look at that let's say one today and you're like no more e no longer but that control my life that will never happen to me here okay to loop it's not very heavy so don't be so don't feel bad it's like you're not like amazing at it oh my what I want to do I guess you can't play any music here so it doesn't look at the camera here and what can you say while you hula hoop what can you say that the opposite of this these crafty beliefs like something really easy like I don't know what do you want to believe like I instead of a man I need a man to take care of me what's a what's a better belief that I uh I don't know how but I control my life just for lack of anything that that work okay so what I want you d'oh get ready okay it's probably gonna fall it's ok guess what you're going to do your first this is gonna be your first failure get ready she's gonna fail and you're not going to be shamed to do it ok ready ready and say I control my life I control my life I control my life and let's do it I could see oh thank you office. Okay, so why did I do that? Because sometimes we get really focused on that pain. Hey, it's, painful.

Class Description

Strong financial management skills are a must-have for a thriving, healthy relationship — but conversations about money can trigger feelings of guilt and anxiety. Simple financial discussions don't have to turn into emotional minefields. Join Robyn Crane and CreativeLive to learn the skills you need to manage your money as a couple, without letting your finances get in the way of your relationship.

This course will teach you everything you and your partner need to know to manage your finances effectively – without stress, guilt, or conflict. You’ll learn concrete tools for communicating about finances openly and honestly. You’ll also build strategies for recognizing and correcting flawed beliefs about financial management. You’ll explore why money issues are among the most common reasons for break-ups and divorce, and learn how to safeguard your relationship against the friction financial disagreements can cause. You’ll also create a concrete, easy-to-implement system that allows you to achieve financial health by playing to your and your partner’s strengths.

You’ll leave this course with strong personal finance skills and an understanding of how to collaborate with your partner to work toward a thriving financial future.